The unknown...

So here I sit on a Sunday afternoon. I've checked into the hotel, redone the parts of my Algebra III homework from April that needed to be redone, set up my Calculus binder (formerly my supportive nutrition/warp speed binder, but that information outgrew the binder) and unpacked my things. Now I'd like to go home thank you very much. Yes, I am within 3 classes of completing my master's degree in curriculum and instruction with a specialization in K-8 mathematics, but right now if someone said "just go home," I swear I'd run them over if they didn't get out of my way fast enough. What gives??

I'll tell you what gives: I'm afraid. Calculus is an unknown. I try to avoid unknowns whenever possible in life. When the unknowns can't be avoided I retreat inside to peer out from behind my wall. Right now I'm standing beside the wall, ready to dive over it and hide at the slightest provocation. The worst of it is that I KNOW I am surrounded by people who care about me and would support me in a heartbeat if I asked for support. Not just my VMI cohort (though they are the closest now), but I have an address book full of people who would do what they could if  I asked. It's only Sunday, so right now I have no idea what I need: just that great big unknown in front of me and the strong urge to go into hiding.

So the question now isn't am I afraid, the question is what am I going to do with that fear? Funny you should ask: I have a plan for that! I am going to keep my schedule and routine as normal as I possibly can until I go home at the end of the week.

That means the following:
1. Get to bed by 11 pm so I can (hopefully) get some sleep (if sleep won't come I will take Melatonin).
2. Get up when the alarm goes off at 5 am.
3. Monday, Wednesday and Friday go for a 3 mile run (last week I managed to finish 3 miles in 30 minutes one day, I'm looking forward to seeing what I can do this week).
4. Tuesday and Thursday pop in a Ben's Bootcamp DVD and get some familiarity, comfort and a whole lot of sweat!
5. Eat supportively. Lean proteins and fibrous carbs for everyone!
6. There will be a cheat this week. Al's French Fry is right next to the hotel and I want a maple cremee sometime before I leave.
7. When the stress mounts I will move. I will not sit and hide wishing very much for a warm furry cat to hug: I will lace up my sneakers and MOVE.
8. I will take in what I can and give myself a break. I will not let the nasty little comments I still like to make to myself take root this week.

Number 8 is probably going to be the biggest challenge for me. I'm used to putting all the effort into the nutrition and exercise. It's really time to bring that same focus to bear on the mental "stuff". Does someone have a dumpster or 2 handy? Digging through the mental muck isn't going to be easy. Too bad there wasn't a "Biggest Mooser" competition for the mental garbage.

So, again, not the most uplifting post I've ever produced, but it's honest. At the end of the day I could make this blog all sunshine, roses and happiness, but that is not the reality and that is not me. I'm real with real thoughts and feelings and lots of worries.

Someone very special and dear to me once said that before you say something you should ask yourself 3 questions: 1. Is it true? 2. Is it necessary? 3. Is it kind? His mother told him that and it is amazing advice. My blog is true and I try to keep it kind (I'll never bash someone in these entries...if I need to do that I have a personal journal that will never be published anywhere: I write, rip out the page, tear it up and toss it). Lastly, I feel my blog is necessary. For me it is a way to fulfill my dream of being a writer and it might be encouraging for someone else to see me making this journey and see that it's not always a perfect, straight path: sometimes it twists and turns and I go backwards, but I keep going. I might not finish first, but I will finish. Watch me.

Back to your Sunday and thanks for reading!