Day 21

I've been thinking about my goals a lot this week. Not that they aren't always on my mind, but buying those size 16 jeans yesterday brought those goals front and center in a big way. They look so small and I'm not seeing a different me in the mirror yet so it seemed like so much wishful thinking to believe I was going to fit into them.

So I got them home, hung them up on my closet door and just stared at them for a good long while. The entire time I was setting up my new laptop one eye was on those jeans and the voices in my head weren't all positive and affirming. I blocked the negative voices as best I could and I looked at my goals (a nicely laminated copy just happens to sit on my bedside table). I CAN do this!

I was chosen as a semi-finalist which means someone thought I could do this. I was voted in as one of the finalists which to me says my friends believe I can do this too, or they wouldn't have voted for me. So it's probably well past time to change the voices I choose to listen to and let the positive comments and support in instead.

So what to do with all those negative angry comments I have listened to up to this point. As hard as it is I am writing them all down in a journal. You never realize the awful things you believe about yourself or say to yourself until you commit them to paper. I am appalled to put it mildly. I am a teacher, I care for all of my students: I would NEVER speak to them the way I speak to myself, nor would I allow them to speak to me or each other that way. I would never say things like that to my friends. How can it possibly be okay to speak to myself that way?

The truth is it is NOT okay, it has NEVER been okay, but until very recently I didn't care enough to stop.

When the journal is full I plan to burn it.

I recently learned that someone I've admired much of my life called me a loyal friend and a great defender, because I chose to stand up for what was right when a dear friend was being bullied and harassed. If I won't let people bully my friends I can't let myself be bullied either.

So what sorts of exercise have I been up to since I posted last?

Thursday night was TRX Rows and Push Press, then it was supposed to be Kettlebell Swings and Burpees, but my knee was still pretty sore and unstable so I got planks and some other ab torture move (leg lifts maybe). A couple rounds of each of those and I was ready for some Burpees.

Saturday was Escalator. You start off in a station and do 10 seconds of work, 10 seconds of rest, then 20 seconds of work and 20 seconds of rest, then 30 seconds of work and 30 seconds of rest. Our stations were Push Press, Battle Ropes, Plate Pushes and Jumping Lunges or Weighted Lunges. Not an easy workout at all and I felt it last night. A nice Epsom salt soak and I felt better.

Am I perfect at all the exercises? No. Do I try? Yes I do. I get discouraged too: I want to have the stamina to keep going when I don't think I can, and many times I find that drive to keep going, sometimes it isn't there though and I can accept that. This is MY BODY and MY LIFE and I will give it my all, but I am responsible for knowing when I might need a second to catch my breath before I tackle the challenge again.

As always...thanks for reading and feel free to comment if you like. I'm going to keep writing, it's one of the things I love to do, but everyone likes a pat on the back or an "atta girl".

PS: Those size 16 jeans: I was able to pull them up to the tops of my thighs, almost to my hips. So my goals might be lofty, but they are not unattainable.