I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I haven't given up on writing. I've just been busy: overthinking and working. The pandemic and subsequent stay-at-home order didn't net me any time off. I am actually totally thankful for that. My anxiety might have climbed through the roof, but I was busy keeping shake and frappe machines clean and running. The running joke may be that McDonald's shake machines are never working, but I do my best to make sure that isn't true in the four stores I work in.
My gym opened up again on June 2. The break was much needed, but it was hard. I went from working out with a fully equipped gym to no equipment at all. Abbey, the canine trainer, kept me busy walking, and I moved as many heavy things as I could find at work, but it wasn't the same.
The break was good. When Pride closed I was honestly questioning whether I was a powerlifter, whether it was something I even cared about doing anymore. My body was tired, even more my mind was tired. During the time I had away from Pride I couldn't stop thinking about lifting: it was all I wanted to do. No matter if I had to start at the beginning when I went back: I was a powerlifter and I was going to keep lifting as long as I could.
I went back to the gym feeling renewed...unfortunately what they say about bringing yourself with you wherever you go is true. In this case I brought my inner critic back with me and she was in full voice from the first day.
My conditioning has always been an issue and my progress in that regard feels like it moves at a geriatric turtle's pace, if it moves that fast. I may be lapping everyone sitting on the couch, but just barely.
I love Aevolv, I love the women I workout with, I appreciate and respect my coaches (maybe love them as well...but let's not get too sappy). The problem is my inner critic loves to point out how slow I am, how utterly uncoordinated compared to these women. I am strong, that even I can see, but in all other ways I see myself as lacking. One bright spot is that I've learned not to compare myself to Coach T2...I have wisdom enough to recognize that I will never equal his athleticism and ability.
Comparison is the thief of joy. I can attest to that. From the first class back try though I might have, I couldn't stop comparing myself to the two women in the class.
It came to a head Tuesday, June 23. The second part of the workout called for hang cleans. Cleans are my nemesis, one of my biggest weaknesses. I respect the skill they take to perform, but I just can't seem to put all the parts together to perform the move. I haven't quit on them, but I just can't do one yet.
My conditioning has always been an issue and my progress in that regard feels like it moves at a geriatric turtle's pace, if it moves that fast. I may be lapping everyone sitting on the couch, but just barely.
I love Aevolv, I love the women I workout with, I appreciate and respect my coaches (maybe love them as well...but let's not get too sappy). The problem is my inner critic loves to point out how slow I am, how utterly uncoordinated compared to these women. I am strong, that even I can see, but in all other ways I see myself as lacking. One bright spot is that I've learned not to compare myself to Coach T2...I have wisdom enough to recognize that I will never equal his athleticism and ability.
Comparison is the thief of joy. I can attest to that. From the first class back try though I might have, I couldn't stop comparing myself to the two women in the class.
It came to a head Tuesday, June 23. The second part of the workout called for hang cleans. Cleans are my nemesis, one of my biggest weaknesses. I respect the skill they take to perform, but I just can't seem to put all the parts together to perform the move. I haven't quit on them, but I just can't do one yet.
I was hot, tired, and feeling like I would never measure up when I walked in. The hang cleans only made it worse and I got angry. I walked away from the group and completed the end of the workout on my own. I apologized to the coaches before I left, because that is not who I am: I am not going to let my temper get the better of me. Coach C took the time to talk with me and offer very valuable advice and reminders.
Thursday night I want back to the gym with a renewed purpose. As I was setting up my area for squats my gym log opened up. The log I am using now has quotes at the top for every workout. If you are interested it is "Strong Starts in the Mind: Workout Journal 1" by Lisbeth Darsh. I love her work, her writing resonates with me and the quote I saw when I looked down after getting the barbell in place stopped me for a second.
"Stop making excuses. Stop explaining failures. Stop looking to take the heat off. What's the worst that happens? You fail, SO WHAT? At least you had a go at it. At least you had guts. At least you showed your big and beautiful heart."
I needed to see that. I needed to read it and remember my why. I needed to take it to heart and remember conversations with people whose opinions matter. I needed to decide once and for all that it is time to DO ME. Time to BE ME. Time to do the thing I want to do, the one that scares me and excites me. I have been saying since I started powerlifting that I wanted to compete in a national meet. I could always come up with an excuse not to sign up though: I wasn't good enough. My total wasn't high enough. I wouldn't get a good enough total to earn any hardware. A million excuses that boiled down to one thing: I didn't think I was ENOUGH.
Maybe I am not good enough, but I know I can achieve a three lift total that will allow me to compete in a national meet. That's enough. I need to stand up, stand strong, and see just where my ability will take me. Maybe it won't be a gold, maybe it will be. At the end of the day all I know for certain is that I need to try. I need to be brave and confront the thing that makes me the most nervous.
A national powerlifting meet, for a former couch potato is pretty heady stuff. I am from a tiny corner of Vermont, not athletically gifted in any way, and 50 years old (birthdays during quarantine...I don't recommend them). I might feel like an impostor most days, but there is something in me that KNOWS I am not. Tyler Tinker wouldn't spend his time and energy on an impostor: I don't for one second think he would. Neither do I think that Brad Collins would want to talk goals with someone he didn't consider worthwhile. There are other people, just as important and impactful who think I have something amazing inside.
Time to take a chance and let the chips fall where they may. Nationals 2021 is the plan.
Sorry for the long absence. Thank you for reading!
Thursday night I want back to the gym with a renewed purpose. As I was setting up my area for squats my gym log opened up. The log I am using now has quotes at the top for every workout. If you are interested it is "Strong Starts in the Mind: Workout Journal 1" by Lisbeth Darsh. I love her work, her writing resonates with me and the quote I saw when I looked down after getting the barbell in place stopped me for a second.
"Stop making excuses. Stop explaining failures. Stop looking to take the heat off. What's the worst that happens? You fail, SO WHAT? At least you had a go at it. At least you had guts. At least you showed your big and beautiful heart."
I needed to see that. I needed to read it and remember my why. I needed to take it to heart and remember conversations with people whose opinions matter. I needed to decide once and for all that it is time to DO ME. Time to BE ME. Time to do the thing I want to do, the one that scares me and excites me. I have been saying since I started powerlifting that I wanted to compete in a national meet. I could always come up with an excuse not to sign up though: I wasn't good enough. My total wasn't high enough. I wouldn't get a good enough total to earn any hardware. A million excuses that boiled down to one thing: I didn't think I was ENOUGH.
Maybe I am not good enough, but I know I can achieve a three lift total that will allow me to compete in a national meet. That's enough. I need to stand up, stand strong, and see just where my ability will take me. Maybe it won't be a gold, maybe it will be. At the end of the day all I know for certain is that I need to try. I need to be brave and confront the thing that makes me the most nervous.
A national powerlifting meet, for a former couch potato is pretty heady stuff. I am from a tiny corner of Vermont, not athletically gifted in any way, and 50 years old (birthdays during quarantine...I don't recommend them). I might feel like an impostor most days, but there is something in me that KNOWS I am not. Tyler Tinker wouldn't spend his time and energy on an impostor: I don't for one second think he would. Neither do I think that Brad Collins would want to talk goals with someone he didn't consider worthwhile. There are other people, just as important and impactful who think I have something amazing inside.
Time to take a chance and let the chips fall where they may. Nationals 2021 is the plan.
Sorry for the long absence. Thank you for reading!
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