This meet was the first one where I actually felt confident. I felt like maybe I had what it takes to be a powerlifter. Never mind the hardware I have earned in previous meets, I just never felt like I was really a powerlifter. I felt like a fraud. I could analyze why that is, and I am sure some night when sleep won't come my mind will drag this up so I can overthink it for hours on end.
All I know is that on Saturday, December 7 I finally showed up for my own life. I left everything I had to give on the platform. I actually felt proud of what I did. I finally felt like an athlete.
Was it my best meet ever? In terms of a total, no. In terms of feeling calm, ready, and worthy: ABSOLUTELY.
My first squat went so well. I got to depth easily, remembered all my cues, and waited for the commands. I was in the game from that moment. I wasn't overthinking anything and letting my body do what it knows how to do. If only it had continued so well. Squat 2 felt heavy and I came out of the hole with a little too much power and my feet moved. UGH! Then squat 3 I didn't go quite deep enough and I am pretty sure I rushed that rack command. Ah well: I still had one good squat.
Bench press is my weakest lift and Saturday was no exception. My first bench was wonderful, it felt light, and I got all the commands. Attempts 2 and 3 weren't as good. On the third attempt I had my tension locked in, my feet pushing through the floor and I was gripping that bar like I was going to break it. I got off my chest and could not press up. My left shoulder is sore and I've been using it cautiously since the meet. I am not going to stop moving it, that will cause more problems than it will solve, but I am cautious. If something hurts I won't do it. I plan to sit down with my coach soon and put lots of accessory work into my program to make both shoulders stronger so I can build my bench press up.
The final lift of the day was deadlift. My absolute favorite lift, the one I felt most confident in. So confident that I had three choices for my third attempt: one super safe, one pretty safe, and a complete long shot. My first pull was 385#. An amount I know beyond the shadow of a doubt I can get to lockout. I wanted to make sure I had one successful lift even if it wasn't as heavy as I knew I could pull. For my second attempt I jumped to 440#. A 55# increase. I felt confident in it and when I asked Coach T2 to review my attempts he didn't object so I figured he thought I could do it too.
My third attempt I gave myself three choices: 451#, 457#, and a long shot: 463#. When I stepped up to the table to give my third attempt I decided to go for it. My friend and amazing videographer, Hailey, was thinking along the same lines and told me to go for it. I told them I wanted 210 kg (463#). I wanted to see if I could do it. No fear, no second thoughts, no playing it safe. I was going to put everything I had to give into that deadlift.
When I stepped on the platform to that bar I felt good. I felt confident. I felt like I was home. The inner critic was utterly silent and I heard my coach's voice in my head as I got my feet positioned and wrapped my fingers around the bar. I heard the words "Pull that bar" as clearly as if he was standing there watching. For a moment I thought that he hadn't seen my last deadlift PR of 450# and maybe I should have gone for 451# or 457# so he could see that. I don't claim to know him completely, but I felt pretty sure Coach Tyler would have encouraged me to go for 463# too.
I dug deep and mustered every bit of strength I had left, squeezed the bar, drove my feet through the floor, and pulled with everything I had. I wasn't successful with that deadlift, but I got it off the ground! I wasn't strong enough last Saturday to pull it, but I will be strong enough.
The best part of the meet was having my two biggest supporters/cheerleaders there with me. Nikki and Hailey have both been at all but one of my meets. For anyone who thinks I am an inspiration they need to meet these women. I adore them so much. For the first time I had family there too. My sister, nephew, a close friend, and my nephew's girlfriend were there. They got to see me do what I love. My sister was so impressed she has convinced my mother to come to my next meet. I even got to reconnect with someone I haven't seen in a long while. It was an amazing day.
I had a number of people approach me on Saturday to tell me I inspired them. A few even told me they stalked me on Facebook. I thanked them, but I was honestly mystified. I've decided that I am never likely to understand why others find me inspirational. I see the faults: the times I trip on flat surfaces, or the number of times in a workout I walk into the pegs where the plates hang. I am realizing I don't need to understand it, I should just be thankful and appreciative. Trust me I am both of those things.
What did I learn last Saturday?
1. It's time to believe in the woman in the mirror. I'm not perfect, but I work hard. It's time to believe that hard work is important and the woman I face in the mirror deserves my support.
2. It's okay to go for something you aren't one hundred percent sure about. It would have been wonderful to make all three of my deadlift attempts, but I believe I have a 463# pull in me, just not yet.
3. I am an athlete. I am a powerlifter. Powerlifting isn't the only sport out there. It certainly isn't the most important, but it is the sport I love.
4. Being a one-trick pony isn't something to be ashamed of. Being good at lifting heavy things up and putting them down is cool and I am proud of my talent in that area. Of course I need to work on my weaknesses and those things that are hard for me. I need to build up my endurance, my balance, and my flexibility. I need to put in the work to build the strongest foundation I can have.
5. I am enough. I always have been. my coach seems to believe in me. He supports me in every way he can. I really don't think he'd waste his valuable time programming for me, reviewing my attempts, or giving my hardware a home if he didn't believe in me.
6. The powerlifting community is amazing. Miriam, Michael, Donnah, Aja, Sara, Ally, Tony, Chaz, Jeremy and so many others were so kind, encouraging and inspiring. I am thankful to be part of this wonderful community. From refs and table help to fellow competitors it was a pleasure to be a part of it.
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| My new hardware: 2nd place in my weight class (red ribbon) and 1st place in my age class (blue ribbon) |
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| Left to right- Kriss, Col, Me, Bran, Anna. Thanks so much for coming guys! Love you!! |
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| These women. Hailey and Nikki: you are my inspiration. Love you both. |
My total for the day was 909.4#. Not my best total for a meet, but of all the meets I have done it was the one I feel best about. Back to the drawing board with Coach Tyler to make me better for 2020. Let's do this!
Thanks for reading!
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