Reflection

Hi I'm Kim and I'm a perfectionist. Huge newsflash, right? Not if you've known me for longer than two minutes it's not.

I'm the one loading my barbell with the exact same color plates in the the same order on both sides. I'm also the one who will pull all the plates off the rack and put them back on so the colors match. There's a chance I get a little freaked out when I find a 10 pound plate on the rack with 25 pound plates.

All that aside I want perfection from myself. I want to have a perfect deadlift, squat, and bench press. I am smart enough to understand perfection isn't truly possible, but it doesn't stop me from striving for it.  And since I'm being honest, being upset with myself when I don't get perfection. When a coach corrects me there is a part of me that feels as if I've failed. That's not the case and the corrections have certainly never been presented to me that way, but I am my own worst critic.

I'm better than I used to be. There was a time, not so long ago that critique and correction made me cry. I don't cry as much any more, not usually. Occasionally depending on the day I still tear up, but I've learned to blink back the tears, listen and do my best to do what I've been told. Sometimes I don't do so well. When the critiques come one right on top of another or in the middle of my set I tend to lose my temper. Then I feel bad. I've never yelled at a coach, but I have snapped at friends. I feel awful about that, I apologize and vow to do better the next time. After all the people taking time to offer advice and let me know what they notice care about me and my performance: I should be grateful for that. I AM grateful for that. I just don't always express it very well.

My perfectionist tendencies don't stop when I leave the gym. I carry them with me to work. I must be doing okay there, no one has said any different. I still worry, especially if the time it is taking to get the food out is mentioned. Sometimes it is out of my control: I do my best, I go as fast as I can, but there are times my fastest isn't fast enough. Besides, I'm not willing to put a messy sandwich out. I don't care who that sandwich is for: it will be the best one I can make every time. I have had people tell me "This is for the owner: make it good". I've set a few of them straight: I make it good every time, not just when the owner is taking it. I would assume that's what he expects, if not I'm still not changing the way I do things.

Another downside to my particular form of perfectionism is that I don't let things go. I've read that once you've learned the lesson and taken what you can from it you're supposed to let it go. You mean I'm not supposed to carry everything around? I shouldn't be hoarding the hurts and disappointments like a squirrel sorting nuts for the winter?

My shoulders are fairly broad, I'm pretty strong, but I do get bogged down by the baggage. Some lessons may take longer to process, integrate and let go, but I need to do that. The baggage is heavy and it's hard to look forward to the new when you're bogged down in the old. I can't keep looking back, I'm not going in that direction.

It occurs to me that life would be easier if I didn't approach new situations and people with fight or flight firmly in mind. I don't know that I'll ever be enthusiastic about change or warm and bubbly with new people, I'm not even sure I'm warm and bubbly with people I know well. In 2018 I am going to strive not to approach new experiences and people with every exit mapped out in my mind. I might even see how it feels to go into a meet with some confidence in myself.

I have goals for 2018, and it's probably no surprise that many are powerlifting goals.

1. Achieve a three lift total of 1000 pounds (currently my three lift total is 994 pounds).

2. Compete in the USAPL NH State Championships in April.

3. Have a total that will qualify me to compete in the USAPL Raw Nationals in November 2018.

4. Continue to lose fat and gain muscle.

5. Figure out what I want to do with my life when I grow up and pursue that as hard as I've pursued powerlifting.

Thanks for taking time out of your life to read my ramblings. I will continue this blog, it's a way to document my journey and my passion.

2018 will be another memorable year.  I have no idea what will happen, but I will be doing my best to approach the experiences with an open mind and an open heart. Don't expect me to be a completely different person. I am as I will always be, a work in progress.

Thanks for reading!