I could just ask, but that smacks of sounding super needy and I try so hard not to be needy I just can't ask. I watch the videos and I see a chunky fat woman trying hard. It might really be easier on my self esteem and my self-confidence if I would bite the bullet and ask. Pretty sure my coach would be willing to sit down with me to watch the videos and tell me what he sees that is good and what needs work. I also think my friends would be willing to do the same.
But I don't ask. I put on the mask, the one that makes me look somewhat competent and comfortable. No surprise to anyone I am sure I wear that mask a lot. Even in the place I feel the most comfortable, Pride Fitness Performance, I wear the mask more often than not.
You would think after 5 years, losing 100+ pounds, completing three Tough Mudders, entering three Pride Games, and competing in six powerlifting meets I would have developed some confidence in myself and my abilities. I still feel like a fraud. A complete fraud. There are times I walk into the gym and wait with my shoulders hunched up around my ears for one of the coaches to ask me what I am doing there and why I don't just stay home and stop wasting their time. In class when I make a mistake on a move I find myself looking around, praying the coach isn't seeing what I'm doing.
Let me assure you there is NO reason for me to feel so insecure and worried neither coach has ever been anything but gentle and kind when correcting me. For anyone at Pride who has ever felt intimidated by me: DON'T. If you could see what's going on inside my head you'd probably laugh and shake your head. I'm a hot mess 99.9% of the time. Even when I do what I love best, especially when I deadlift, I feel outclassed and unqualified.
My friends seem genuinely happy to see me so I should feel confident with them, right? Yeah, not so much. I see them as the cool kids, the group I have always wanted to be a part of. When I announce the next meet I am entering I am still surprised when my friends get excited and start making plans. If one of them can't come and expresses sadness about that I feel bewildered. Huh? You wish you could change your plans to come watch me pick heavy stuff up and put it down? Really? Why?
I love my friends. When I don't believe I can do something I lean on them and trust them. My friend Nikki has been at every single one of my meets and she gets so excited and pumped up for me. All my friends do that, but since Nikki and I live in the same town we often make the first leg of the trip to meets together. Her excitement is infectious and I owe her a huge thanks and an even bigger hug for always doing her best to pump me up. All my friends do that. They know I am nervous and worried and they do their best to pump me up and keep me from getting stuck inside my head. It's a tough job and they all deserve medals for their herculean efforts.
A little while ago I saw a post from someone I know and admire who insists that working on beliefs, self love and confidence are even more important than working on the outside. Thank you for those thoughtful words Lynn Tanguay. My shell might look better, but inside is still a mess.
I think I must bewilder one of my coaches with my complete lack of confidence and faith in myself. I am constantly asking him if I really have what it takes to go further in the sport I love. He's patient with me and assures me he wouldn't tell me to do it if he didn't think I could. I'm not sure I understand how I can feel proud of myself for something I accomplish and still not think I'm capable. Somehow I forget the four months of training, the hours of squatting, pressing and pulling. The thumb I smashed in the squat rack, the bruises on my shins and thighs from pulling that bar as close to my body as I can. I seem to believe it is nothing but a miracle I accomplish what I do, it's not hard work and grinding away when everything feels hard.
There is evidence I am capable and yet the doubts persist. Maybe the first work I need to do inside is to clean out the muck in my head. The mean voice that cuts me down, the garbage from the past: none of it is helping me become the person I want to be. I read a quote recently, in fact I seem to encounter it about once a week: Stop looking back, you aren't going that way. Hmmm, do you suppose there might be a lesson in there somewhere?? Maybe...
Not everything in my head needs to go: the beast is there too and she needs room to stretch out and roar. If I can clear out the other garbage the beast can get bigger and stronger. If I let the beast loose I can focus on my goals.
Do you know my goals? The first and second I've shared before. The final one I've kept to myself, it just seems so far outside the realm of possibility.
1. I want to compete and place in a national USAPL meet.
2. I want to do well enough at a USAPL meet to be invited to compete in the Arnold Sports Festival in the raw powerlifting meet.
3. I also want to do well enough to be invited to be part of a USAPL national team and compete internationally.
I don't think I can accomplish any of those things if I don't clear out my head. I will need every ounce of persistence, dedication, commitment, hard work and confidence to work to that level. The third goal scares me the most, as it should. At this moment the nasty voice in my head is reminding me I am 47 and I don't have unlimited time to achieve these goals. True enough, but in reality none of us has unlimited time and I won't let that stop me. At the meet on Saturday there was a wonderful woman in her sixties who was competing: she was so kind and sweet and so enthusiastic about powerlifting: I want that when I am in my sixties.
I'm coming to the end of my recovery time and I am ready to get back to it. I have a bench press technique to perfect, a deadlift lockout to nail and a 1000 pound total to achieve. I want to hear "simple", "easy" "Good work" "YEAH!" and every other phrase my coaches use to express their approval. I want to earn fist bumps and hugs and not wonder if I really truly deserve them. I want to get ready for time with my friends and not feel like the geeky outsider hanging with the cool kids. I want to feel like one of the cool kids. I want the beast to have room to roar more often. I want to walk into Pride knowing from the moment I step in the door I am where I belong.
Time to find the confidence and focus to make my dreams come true. My coaches and my friends can want it for me, they can even give me tools to reach my goals. The work, commitment, dedication and drive to get there have to come from me. No one can do it for me.
Me with the "cool kids" and my amazing coach.
Thanks for reading!
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