Strength and Pride

I have addressed both topics in the title in previous blog posts. I wasn't planning on writing this post, I already posted once this week, but this one keeps weighing on me, popping into my mind when I should be focused on other things and pushing its way into every conversation I've had to the point where I have wondered several times when it was going to pop out of my mouth.

As I mentioned before I am no longer a teacher. I don't regret the loss of that career, in fact if I am honest, it is a complete relief. The reason I am no longer a teacher horrifies me. That is not the person I am, nor the person I want to be.

The fact is though: I AM HUMAN. I MAKE MISTAKES. I MADE A HORRIBLE MISTAKE I CAN NEVER TAKE BACK.

I made a mistake, I am doing what is required to move forward with my life.

There are people who have stood by me, supporting me, continuing to care about me and include me in their lives. I love and appreciate those people more than I can express. They know I screwed up, they don't condone what I did, but they recognize that people make horrible mistakes. I did. These people are the best people I have ever met, far better than I deserve. I am fiercely loyal and I will stand by any of them at any time. I am there for them as they have been there for me.

There are also people who offered their support and then for whatever reason decided they could not be supportive. I'm not going to sugarcoat it: that hurt. It hurt quite a lot. I understood, I don't support myself so why would anyone else support me? I am not angry, I don't hate those people, but let me be crystal clear: those people will never have a place in my life again. I wish them well, but they will never be welcome to be a part of my life.  I want to be a kind person, but being kind is not the same as being a doormat. Be well if you chose to walk away, but don't think the doors that were closed will ever be opened again. Those people fulfilled their part in my journey and they've moved on now. I hope the road in front of them is smooth.

I also made the decision for some people by stepping away from them. Whether I was right or wrong there were some people I decided it would be better and easier if I stepped away from. Not that I thought they wouldn't be supportive. I have no idea if they would have been or not. With some people it just seemed like it would be better for them if I wasn't a factor. As I said I might have been wrong and if I was I apologize. Remember, I'm human and mistakes are a part of life.

Why call this post "Strength and Pride"?

My first, smart ass answer is "Why Not?" My more thoughtful answer is that I have learned in the past few months just how much strength I have and that despite being human and capable of awful mistakes there are things I can still be proud of.

My happy place, Pride Fitness Performance, has been my lifeline. On days I couldn't figure out why I should drag myself one more step my happy place was there. My coaches and friends were there encouraging me, reminding me to keep going. I owe them. I owe them everything.

I can't say my training in the last few months has been stellar. There have been wonderful days when I've had my head in the game and performed well. Then there have been the other days when I can barely get out of my own way and the barbell is not a familiar comfort, but a horrible enemy. I'm not going to make excuses or whine about what happened, the important part is I had coaches who reminded me to hold on, to keep working and when all else failed they reminded me to breathe because I could control that.

My strength is not just about squats, bench presses and deadlifts. It is not my 991.1 pound three lift total. It is not the three trophies and the gold medal on a shelf at Pride. It's not a gold star with my name on the floor or pictures on a wall. My strength is just as much about those days when getting out of bed or eating were struggles. It is about doing my best and giving my best to everything I do. It is being honest and open when it would be easy to sit back and be silent. It is not hating the people who said horrible things or walked away.  It is believing, despite a mountain of evidence to the contrary, that this too shall pass and everything happens for a reason.

Strength isn't just physical. I know I've said that many times before. Strength is mental and emotional as well. There are even times that strength is being real enough to cry when you achieve a goal you didn't think you could. Strength is also letting people know when they've done something that has touched your heart, even if they might accuse you of  "going soft" on them.

I am not in any way proud of what I did. I am horrified, sick and disgusted by it.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I am proud that I took responsibility. I am proud that I have moved on and am doing what I need to do. I am proud that I haven't given up on my training or my life, crawled into a hole and closed it after me. As I said, maybe I'm wrong, but I am proud.

Not much fitness related in this post, not physical fitness at least. Plenty of mental fitness though.

Thanks for reading!