Big Bad

It's been a long time, just about three months in fact. I wasn't at all sure that I would ever come back to this blog. I couldn't imagine I would ever want to write again, or that I would have anything I felt I could write about.

I've learned that life moves forward. No matter how improbable it seems life doesn't stop, it continues to move forward even when you're positive your life is over.

I'm not getting into what's gone on since the last time I posted. It is over, it is done. There is nothing to do, but continue to move forward. I have learned so much, almost none of it pleasant. There have been positives: I learned whom I can truly trust and count on in my life. I'm not angry about those that decided they couldn't be a part of my journey any longer. They fulfilled their purpose in my life and it was time for them to move on with the rest of their journey. I wish them all the best and thank them for the lessons they taught me and the time they spent with me.

I find myself at the moment with a job, but without a career. I thought that would hurt, that it would bother me. The truth is that it is a relief. There was a time the career I chose was my passion and I believed I was making a difference. Perhaps I did, but in more recent years I was going through the motions, doing what I had to do and collecting a pay check. I am not that person, not when the job I was doing for the pay check was so important.

To those that have stood by me: thank you. I can never repay your kindness or support. I will try to do so, but I know anything I can do is nothing compared to what you've done. For the outings, the hugs, the messages and emails: thank you so much. I am forever indebted to you

Enough about that. As I said earlier I am not getting into it. Nothing good would come from it. A friend suggested that someday I should write about it. I think not. Some things don't need to be written about. nor should they be. This would be one of them.

My passion is fitness, specifically powerlifting. My job is just that: a job. Don't get me wrong, I do my best and I give all I have for the time I am there, but when I walk away it is over and I don't think about it until I walk back in for my next shift. Call me crazy and turn up your nose, but I find more satisfaction in this job than I did in the last three years of my career. So sad to think of the time wasted, but life moves on and I'm not dwelling on the past. I've learned the lessons and I have to keep moving forward. Even when I'd rather dig a deep hole, crawl in and pull a nice boulder over me.

Since I last wrote my workouts have come to mean even more. I can finally give all of my energy to them. I'm not sure I'm lighting the world on fire as a powerlifter, but Coach D usually gives me fist bumps when I'm done training with him, so I must be doing something right. Okay, so I ask for most of those fist bumps, but he gives me one and most times tells me "good work". I have to believe that means I've done well.

I competed in my first meet with USAPL on April 29. It was a learning experience from start to finish. I was competing without my coach being there. I had plenty of support, but for the first time, no Coach D to handle me. My dear, sweet, amazing friend Hailey stood in as my coach that day. She did a wonderful job, but I know I didn't make it easy. I was nervous and on edge. As a result I made 3 of my 9 lifts. The worst for me was failing all of my deadlifts.

As you know, the deadlift is my favorite lift. Usually my best lift too. Not this meet. When the meet was over, Hailey and I asked a judge about why my first two attempts got two "red lights" (meaning I failed them).  I knew full well why I failed my last deadlift, my grip gave and I dropped the bar (UGH!!) Anyhow, the judge told us that I was obviously strong, that it was a pleasure to watch me lift, but my knees stayed "soft".  I relayed that to Coach D and since that moment I've been researching and practicing. I've watched countless videos of other deadlifts and I think I understand. My pulls were good, I got to lockout, but I wasn't pressing down through my heels. You can bet that every time I pull now I am practicing that.

Good thing too. Normally I compete and have 6 months or so to train for the next one. This time about two weeks after my meet I got an email: there was a USAPL meet coming up in Vermont on June 17. A meet? In Vermont? Hells to the yeah.

Then I ran it by Coach D: he wouldn't be able to attend. At that moment I decided I wouldn't do it. Besides it was 6 weeks away...I didn't think there was any way I could be ready again.

Then I remembered what Nikki told me. Basically she told me on April 29 after I said I would never compete without a coach present again that I should never let my decisions about what to do hinge on who could or could not be there. I thought about those words, then I talked with Coach D more. I asked if I could be ready and if he thought it was wise. He said if I wanted to do it we could make sure I was ready and that we would talk more about it when we trained next.

The conversation was simple and pretty brief. He asked me what I was thinking, I said I was scared. He smiled and said "Then you know what you need to do". There are times I really love my coach, that wasn't necessarily one of them. Even though he was spot on. I hate things that scare me and I feel duty bound to face my fears. I need to get over that!

So here I am, one week out and prepping physically and mentally for the USAPL Vermont State Championships. I will go, I will have plenty of support and I will do the best I can do. I have hopes for the outcome, but in the end as long as I have done my best I will strive to be proud of what I did.

I'll write after the meet.

Thanks for reading!