Sunday Rambling

I had an unanticipated bump in the road this week: I got sick. I know, shocking. Turns out I AM human after all. I'd like to be a beast, in many ways I might be a beast. If that's true, even beasts get sick from time to time.

I should probably have had a clue when hang cleans and front squats were even harder than normal during Muscle Hour. It didn't really occur to me that anything could be wrong, because I'll be the first to admit that my cleans and front squats SUCK. They aren't just a little rough people, we are talking really, really awful. Yes, I need to work on that. Then during The Heat we were doing pike presses (or for the more athletic and capable among us: doing handstand push ups), deadlifting and doing Ab Rollouts.

Normally I LOVE to deadlift. Given the choice I would spend the majority ALL of my time deadlifting. So it should have been a rad flag when Tyler asked me if I minded if he did a few sets of deadlifts with the bar I'd been using and I said sure. Not that I would normally have snarled at him and hunched over the bar swatting him away, but I wouldn't have felt the sense of relief I did that night. It was maybe 50% of my max deadlift and I was struggling to pull it. Yeah, red flag moment there, but it didn't dawn on me then.

I left class wondering what was up with me, but given some other things going on in my life not too concerned. Plus I've been reminded that not every time I train is going to be my best performance ever.

About midnight it became startlingly clear that it was more than stress and ridiculousness that was impacting me. I'll spare you the blow by blow. I dozed in between bouts from midnight to 6 am, called in sick and then went to bed for some sleep.

I know I was sick because until I woke up at about 11:30 am I didn't think about letting either of my coaches know that buddy training probably wasn't going to happen. Normally my workouts are the first thing on my mind. I sent a message, offering to come in for measurements and was assured I should stay home and rest.

I did a lot of resting. I don't think I was awake more than an hour or two throughout the day. Abbey who normally loves her walks and won't stop letting everyone know it is time for one wouldn't leave my side. My mother offered to walk her, but Abbey was having none of it. She appointed herself my nursemaid/guardian and took her job seriously. She's normally my shadow, Thursday she was my second skin.

It's Sunday now and I am finally feeling more like myself. I might even get brave with food and venture beyond eggs and sweet potato today. Yesterday that was the extent of my culinary bravery: scrambled eggs and sweet potato. Hey maybe I'll even be hungry for 3 meals today. One step at a time, one step at a time...I don't want to get too radical.

I went back to work on Friday. I even worked out at 5:30 am. Not my most stellar outing, but I didn't give any gold stars. I even had my measurements for the end of the Pride 9 challenge done. In 9 weeks I lost 12 pounds, 4 inches from my waist and 4 inches from my hips. I don't remember the body fat percentage, but I do know it went down.

I am proud of what I did and best of all: I moved down a weight class for my meet on April 2. Now to be sure I maintain that loss while getting proper nutrition so I can knock it out of the park that Saturday. I know, I know: the fact that I am going to get out there and compete is a win already. Let's be honest though: I want to bring home hardware.

Friday afternoon was kind of a big deal too. I teach, I am used to being in front of groups of children talking. Friday afternoon Itook it a step further and talked to the sixth graders in my school about perseverance, goal setting and my journey. I asked some of the people who support and encourage me to come and they were there as well. I choked up once when I talked about change and how sometimes what might seem to be the end of the world turns out to be exactly what is needed. This time the choking up wasn't about the change though, it was about one person going out of his way to make the change less difficult. It was about finally realizing it was okay to extend trust and let people in. Not that there would never be betrayal or disappointment again, but those things won't destroy me. See, I am learning.

I also realized as I was talking that being open to new experiences and extending trust has opened up a whole new world to me. A world where I can embrace being strong and celebrate it. I might not be comfortable being called a trend setter or being a one woman show, but maybe if I put myself out there it will encourage and intrigue others enough to want to join me. I'd love to go to my next meet as part of a team. I like blending in so much better than standing out, but if I need to stand out to spark interest and excitement I will suck it up and get it done.

Saturday was the "Be Your Own Hero" photoshoot at Pride Fitness Performance. I wasn't sure I was actually going until I walked out the door. Even though the day before I told my coach I was coming and I never want to go back on my word to him, I still told myself I didn't have to go: no one would fault me. I wouldn't be the thinnest or best looking one there. The moment I had that last thought I gave myself the fierce look in mirror and got out the blue eyeliner: the warrior was going. I. Am. Not. Anyone. Else. I. Am. Me. There has never been an expectation from either of my coaches that I will be anyone but who I am. They seem to think I am good enough just as I am, my friends seem to feel the same, so I got to work.

I showed up at Pride with my hands shaking, my stomach rolling and I looked like a deer in the headlights. It turned out to be a lot more fun than I anticipated. I got to deadlift and I hear I looked fierce. I got to be a part of several different group shots and it was truly fun.

So I am not a super model, I am not a size 2: that doesn't matter. It has never mattered. It will NEVER matter. The people who matter respect me for who I am and they see something in me they like. That's enough.

It's been a big couple of days. There are big days coming up too...not sure if I'll have anything else to say before April 2, but be warned that following April 2 I will have plenty to say.

Stay tuned and thank you so much for reading!

What if...

Do you have those nights when you go to bed tired, definitely ready to get some sleep and find yourself spending most of the night staring at the ceiling? Not just staring at the ceiling, but trying to stop your mind from running through every disaster scenario it can come up with?

I don't think I'm alone in having a wildly overactive imagination that keeps me from getting the sleep I want. I'm not quite self-absorbed and self-centered enough to think I'm that important and special.

My fitness journey is going along just fine. The Pride 9 challenge will end next week and I think this has done the trick to teach me about how to eat to get the best performance I can from my body. I won't tell you I have been a perfect saint during the challenge, but I have paid attention and if I choose a piece of pizza for dinner I have thought about it, I am fully aware it is probably not the best choice, but it is one meal and I can make a better choice at my next meal. Could it be that I have finally figured out this isn't all or nothing? It would be nice to think that I really do understand that one not so good choice doesn't mean that I can just throw it all away.

So what's my hang up?? Seriously, if you are not asking yourself that right now I would be surprised. I ask that question every early morning.

As confident as I would like to be in my abilities my nasty little critic won't give it a rest. Right now the critic is stuck on April 2 and the 2016 Vermont Powerlifting Master's and Women's Nationals.
I've been registered for this meet since early January so obviously I knew I wanted to be there. I've even posted the date and address for the meet on Facebook and invited people to come watch. I worry at times I'm being a complete pain in the ass and showing way too much ego by talking about this meet. I've been assured by friends if I were really the ego-maniac I think I am no one would be interested in coming to see this meet.

SO WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?!

My problem can be summed up in this one question my critic uses:

What if you let everyone down?

There it is: what if I completely fail and let my coaches and my friends down. Considering I didn't fail at my first meet when I didn't get the bar on my back or step out of the squat rack before I started nodding to the head judge to signal I was ready for the squat command I should be able to put that fear to rest easily. I can't.

I worry about letting my coaches down. I mean they came up with a solution for training me that gives me the best of both worlds: warm-ups and finishers with Coach T and strength work with Coach D. They are both coming to the meet. Which brings up another worry. Every article I've read about what you need at a powerlifting meet definitely said you need a coach/handler and every last one said you needed to pay them like it is a personal training session. I am all for that, I just don't know how to talk to them about it. I don't want to offend them, not that I think it would, but hey if I'm going to worry I'm going to go big. I would happily and willingly pay them anything they wanted for being there to make sure I'm warmed up and focused on my job. It's not that I'm afraid of either of them, I'm not at all, it is just I hate talking money. I'll figure it out, I always do.

Then there are all the people who I know are going to be there, and some I probably don't know are coming. I love my Pride family, I truly do. They are supportive and I know they will cheer me on at least as loudly as they did at the first meet. I want to give them something worthy of the long drive to cheer for. Reading this as I write it even I KNOW how stupid that sounds. They are going to go because they want to and not one of them will think I let them down no matter what I do.

I might know how stupid I sound, but I can't seem to shut it off unless I am standing before the squat rack, before a loaded barbell or am under a bar on the bench.

When I am working on my lifts I feel confident, competent and strong. I know I am doing what I am supposed to do, maybe even doing what my body is pretty well designed to do. I still need some coaching cues to focus in on parts of my form ("shoulders back" and "get back on your heels" are pretty common), but by and large my form is pretty good. There is a point in every training session when the day falls away and I feel the warrior/beast inside wake up. She's fierce and she won't quit. That 335 pound bar might feel heavy on my first pull, I might even have to back away and reset on round one, but by the final round the beast is awake and she wants more. She knows that bar is coming off the floor, she knows the pull will be smooth and the lock out will happen. I'm working on figuring out how to get the beast to silence the critic without a bar in my hands.

To my coaches and all the people who will be there on April 2. I am so glad you are coming. I am thankful for the support, I am truly humbled by the support. I probably won't be a sparkling conversationalist that day, I might even look like a complete wreck  for part of the time. Just know when push comes to shove, when I step up to that squat rack for my first round I will not be competing just for the fat girl who never thought she was good enough, I will be doing it for every single person who has supported me, encouraged me and kicked my butt when necessary. I am doing it for me too, don't get me wrong, the warrior/beast needs to be let out to play from time to time, but I know I am where I am because of the most incredible support system any person could ask for.

I will make myself proud. I hope I will make you proud as well.

Let's do this!

Thanks for reading!