Monster

How many of you were ever called a monster as a child? I know I was and I know when my mother referred to me as a monster I deserved it. Now I'm starting to refer to myself as a monster.

Have I suddenly become a screaming brat? Did I decide my needs matter and no one else's do? Do I expect the world to adjust to my schedule? No. No. Hells to the NO!

So why "Monster"? I'm a pretty nice person, other people seem to like me. I am not prone to tantrums or angry outbursts. No, it is not because I have decided I love Lady Gaga's music and want to be one of her "little monsters". For the record I do like her music, but it's not that. It was a song that made me decide I want to be a monster though.

Monster is a synonym for beast and I have talked about letting my inner beast out to play when it's time to squat, bench or deadlift.

Last March, when I was coming up to my second powerlifting meet and trying to figure out what I could do to keep the nausea and nerves at bay I decided maybe putting a bunch of motivating songs into a playlist would be a good idea. I asked friends for ideas. Several people suggested "Monster" by Skillet. I didn't think I knew the song, turns out I've been hearing it for years. It is loud with a great beat that never fails to make me want to push harder when I hear it at the gym. I didn't end up using a playlist at the meet, but I think it will be coming with me for November. It's only September, the nerves aren't too bad yet, but people are starting to ask me if I'm getting excited for November or if I'm ready and my stomach sinks. I'll be ready that day, I know how to get it done, but leading up to that day I will doubt, I will wonder, I will likely drive my coaches and friends to distraction with questions. I'd like to tell you as I approach my third meet I am confident I can do this, that I know I'm going to smash my previous weight total, but I'm not going to lie.

Back on track, sorry for that tangent, but if you've read any of this blog you know it happens frequently. Anyhow...let's get back to it.

I think of a beast as infallible. A beast is strong all the time. A beast is confident and never flinches. I aspire to be a beast, but I am not there yet. I doubt, I question and I don't always succeed. In my mind a monster is strong, but there is weakness too.  A monster gets it done, but isn't always sure about the outcome. Both monsters and beasts are fierce, but I always think of a monster's fierceness as coming from a different place, from a combination of fear and anger. A beast, I think their fierceness comes from a place of confidence.

I'm working on beast mode. For right now I'm at monster mode and that's a good place for the moment. As I mentioned previously I have plenty of anger right below the surface to work with.

I'm deep in training for November. This week I worked on box squats. First up was a set with just the barbell so I could get a feel for the movement and so Coach Dane could be sure I was getting to parallel. Then he started loading the bar and I'd squat. After I'd squatted 185 pounds he decided it would be a waste of time to go to 225 pounds and opted to get to my working sets of 245 pounds. Squatting 245 doesn't feel that hard normally, but squatting it to the box then trying to be explosive driving it back up was HARD. I'm usually quiet when I work, some people use noise to drive themselves, I am quiet. Not this week, not this time. For the first few rounds at 245 I screamed every time I was driving up. I had to, it felt like I wasn't going to be able to get back up otherwise.

That is the point though: in order for me to get better I need to work hard. I need to come right up to the wall feel it and then I need to dig deep and fight to finish what I've started. The first round at 245 I stopped after 3 reps, racked the bar and wanted to walk away. I couldn't tell you if Dane talked to me or not, I was focused inside letting the monster fight the nasty voice urging me to walk away. Finally I did what Dane frequently tells me to do: I got it together and finished those last 2 reps. Coach Dane knew I had it in me, he knew I could do it: he just had to convince my mind. I finally got into the headspace I needed to be in for the last 2 rounds, but those 5 reps never felt easy. I'm beginning to understand that my training isn't just about developing my physical strength, it's about developing my mental strength too.

Time to let the monster stretch and grow so the beast comes out once and for all. Though I kind of like the idea of being a monster, I might just refer to myself as a monster no matter how much confidence I develop. I don't have to be like everyone else: I have to be me.

So monster it is.

Thanks for reading!