Please Like Me

I'm trying to turn over a new leaf and accept myself for who I am. It's about time. On March 27 I'll turn 44 years old. For my birthday I'd like to actually feel okay about who I am.

I am the person who wants to make everything better for everyone. I don't just want to do that some times: I want to do it all the time. I'm willing to make myself miserable if it will keep other people happy. I have to stop. I know it's not healthy, I know it doesn't make people like me any better...in fact it probably irritates them to no end.

So why bother? Why not just do what makes me happy and not worry about anyone else? In part I know from time in therapy I'm just wired that way. My goal in life is not to make waves, to always be the "good girl". If I'm good everyone will like me and want to be my friend, right? To put it succinctly: NO. It's hard for me to accept that there are people who don't like me and won't like me no matter what I do to try to make them like me.

If I think I have done something to hurt or upset someone it kills me. I would do anything to take it back. Even if there is nothing I can do to fix it I want to. I never want to be the cause of another person's pain, which is fine. I shouldn't set out to deliberately hurt people. Sometimes situations come up and decisions must be made that will cause pain, even if that decision is the right one. It still tears me up. Being kind and compassionate is fine, but I can carry it to extremes.

I do not mean to be a complete pain in the ass, but I'm enormously insecure. I will email or text just to wish you a good day, but not because I'm a crazy stalker. Honestly I do it because you are important to me and I don't ever want to miss the opportunity to tell you that. If I email you with a million questions or just to say thank you I am not trying to harass you: I am being genuine. I genuinely want the people I care about to know I appreciate them and all they do for me, that's all. I may come across as a huge pain in your ass, but it's not my intention.

Don't get me wrong. I can be hard, I can be cold. When there is no other option I will walk away, but I never do it without feeling I failed somehow. When I need to turn my back and walk away I never do it without tears. Most people won't ever see those tears, but they're real. I have the sleepless nights to prove it.

So why all this emptying my heart? Well, this week I did something I have been needing to do for at least a year. I asked for what I really wanted instead of what would make other people happy. I was nervous about asking, but it turns out putting my needs first wasn't a bad thing. I received valuable and reassuring feedback and the powers that be were not in the least surprised at what I was asking.

On the fitness front it was a hard week. 3 minute density metabolic resistance training (MRT) workouts. Wednesday was especially hard. Imagine a move that is hard for you (for me all 8 moves were hard, but especially the handstand holds) and then imagine holding it for 3 minutes. I didn't hold a handstand for 3 minutes, in fact I couldn't even do a pike hold for 3 minutes. I made it about a minute and a half and then I modified to the yoga pose downward dog. It wasn't instructor recommended, but it was really all I could do. The last exercise my partners and I did that morning was a goblet squat hold. In the first minute and a half I had to get out of that hold at least two times to stretch cramping muscles, then our instructor came over and dropped into a squat with us and challenged us to hold it with him. My competitive side fired right up and I didn't move out of the squat until he called time. Thanks Tyler for knowing what it would take to keep us going.

In other fitness news I've gone and done it. I've taken my first tentative, scared step to someday being a fitness instructor. I have signed up through American Fitness Professionals and Associates for the Personal Trainer Certification program. At the moment my plan is to learn all I can to better myself. Someday I would like to teach, but I look at what Ben, Tyler, Stacey and Mary do and do so well and I'm not there yet. Right now the learning will be for myself and maybe if I shore up my own knowledge I'll find more confidence in myself and my abilities. At the risk of being completely and utterly sappy: I want to learn more and be better so maybe someday in some small way I can emulate the fitness professionals I so admire.

Thanks for reading.

Scared

I've been quiet for awhile now. Not because I've had nothing to say, but because I couldn't think of anything positive or uplifting to say. I'm sure at some point in your life someone close to you, perhaps a parent or grandparent told you if you couldn't say anything nice it was better to say nothing.

So what has me so discombobulated that I've decided to stay silent behind my wall. I put on my very best game face, smiled, chatted and looked quite normal I'm sure. I've felt anything but normal, mostly I've felt scared.

Scared of what? Scared of failing. I know failing isn't the end of the world, it just means I need to regroup and try again, but I HATE that feeling. You all know the one: your heart sinks into your stomach which has relocated to the bottom of your feet. All you want to do is sink into a hole and pull a rock over the top to avoid everyone. It's been pretty easy to be a hermit this week, it's been school vacation and I was dog/cat/house sitting while my mother enjoyed time in the Florida sun with my sister and her family.

I did mention I had my mask firmly in place, right? I did my workouts as scheduled: metabolic resistance training Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 5:30 am, All-Star Workout, Yogalaties and I even went to a Zumba fundraiser last night. I got my new sheet during personal training and I might not have rocked the moves, but I tried. Trying counts, right?

Of course trying counts, so why the hell did I leave Thursday night wanting to cry? Yes, the moves were hard: they were designed to be. To get stronger and better I have to work on the things I'm not good at. I suppose I could have started my week differently and instead of poking the bear I could have emailed and said I was feeling kind of fragile and maybe give me some easy stuff that I could do well. I might be scared, but I was not going to do that.

I'm not old and wise, or not wise at any rate, but I'm wise enough to know feelings are important, but they change, sometimes very quickly. Yes, I could have given my fitness professionals a head's up that I was struggling, but what were they going to do for me? Hold my hand? Hug me and tell me it would be okay? Give me a swift kick in the butt and tell me to get over it? They are kind, caring people and would have done what they could to help, of that I am certain, but what I needed most was to be treated like I was strong and a badass no matter what I was feeling inside. So I wiped away tears a bunch of times...I pretended it was sweat.

When I'm not sure exactly what's scaring me I opt to ignore it. It makes me feel miserable and on edge, but that's the way it is. Dwelling on the feeling doesn't help, my mind will let me in on what the problem is when I'm ready to deal with it.

Turns out the drive from Derby Line to Bradford was the perfect uninterrupted time to come to terms with what has been scaring me. When I realized what it was I rolled my eyes, sighed and said "Here we go AGAIN."

You see, even though I completed Tough Mudder last year, and completed it injured and well medicated with Advil and extra strength Tylenol I'm scared about this year. The team won't be the same and scariest of all: people are looking to me for support and encouragement. ME?? I can barely keep myself together I'm probably not the person you want encouragement from. I'm not an inspiration: I'm a hot mess.

Don't misunderstand me: I'm scared, but I won't back down and I won't quit. I won't be the best or fastest on the course, I won't be the best on the team. I will be the best I can be. I will help when I can help. I will offer encouragement and support. If you need help over a wall or through an obstacle I'll be there. I'm going to be scared and afraid, but I like to believe that part of being brave and courageous is working in spite of the fear.

In fact, one of my favorite quotes is my email signature. I'll end this post with it.

Thanks for reading.

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.”  ~Ambrose Redmoon