The Blame Game

I should be working on my VMI portfolio and my oral presentation right now. Instead I am enjoying some down time and a little peace. For the moment the dog and my three cats are snoozing in the sun and I have a few minutes to sit and think.

I was rereading some of my blog posts and "WELCOME" was the last thing I read. I was angry when I wrote it and I was looking to blame someone else. Don't misunderstand, the person I was angry with had choices to make about how she treated me and she made them. I had choices too and I should have stood up for myself much earlier and let her know what was going on was not okay. I am not sure it would have done me any good, but if I don't stand up for myself I can't expect anyone else to either.

I have learned not to play the blame game in other areas of my life. If I skip a workout I have to own that, it's not my instructor's fault. If I eat foods I know aren't that good for me that's on me too, much as I might want to blame the calorie tracker it's a computer program: it didn't tell me to eat those brownies. I understand those ideas, so why is it I struggle so much with making sure I get treated the way I deserve?

The first thought I come up with is: I just want to make everyone happy. True enough, but underlying that is some laziness. Let's face it, it is easier to let forceful people be in control and I don't enjoy beating my head against walls. Or I didn't enjoy that...things are changing.

I thought for a long time that my transformation was only physical, that nothing inside me was changing. I'm finding out that just isn't true. I didn't really think much about the mental changes until I was nominated for "Bootcamper of the Year". Listening to what was written about me and reading it for myself  made me stop and think. All right, YES, I printed out that write-up and put it in a scrapbook, because it was so kind and brings tears to my eyes even now. Hey, when someone you admire, trust and look up to has so many nice things to say about you it makes you consider the idea that you just might be a good person after all.

So now I find I'm not always content with the status quo. I have never liked to be given an agenda and told what I will be doing, but now I say something about it. I imagine that's difficult for the people who got used to me just being the flexible one who went along, but I'm not stopping. If I tell you no I am not attending an event you consider to be of the utmost importance, please do me the courtesy of accepting the no. I do not appreciate emails from other mutual friends trying to shame me into changing my mind. Sure, it might disrupt your plans, but THIS IS MY LIFE! If I say no there is a reason and if you are really my friend you accept that even if you don't like it.

All right, I'm done venting, just felt I had to own up to being responsible for making sure I am treated the way I want and deserve to be treated. I try to treat people with respect and kindness, that is what I expect in return. If you can't do that you and I probably won't have much of a relationship, if any at all. If it comes to it, I will walk away without a backward glance, but that isn't what I want to do. Rest assured though: if you treat me as if you are the one who knows best what I should be doing in my life and treat me like a dummy I'm not just walking away: I'm slamming the door, burning the bridge and never looking back.

So, what's been going on in my life since I last posted? Well, I participated in the Shamrock Shuffle in Leabanon, NH yesterday. SO MUCH FUN even if it literally felt like a shuffle for me for most of the race. I am going to get to the bottom of my aching piriformis muscles if it kills me! Honestly, it is discouraging to know I could run more and feel that pain. I did run over the finish line yesterday, I am too stubborn to walk.

I finished the 5K in 52 minutes and 34 seconds and I'm happy with that given that I walked most of it. I also had a costume that I was quite proud of. I looked silly, but that was the point: kick that comfort zone away and just enjoy being silly.

I am so rocking the green!

 

Before the race I said I wouldn't wear a green tutu, but there was an extra one and the majority of the group representing Fortitude Fitness Systems (aka Ben's Bootcamp) had green tutus on. I decided I wanted to be a part of the group and on went that lovely tutu. I thought I would feel stupid and awkward, but I enjoyed being outside my comfort zone so much I left it on through lunch and a trip into the Irving station in East Thetford, VT. The point was to have fun and I can definitely say I achieved that goal in fine form.

So back to your day now. Thanks for reading!

New numbers & thoughts

It's me again...your friendly blogger. Today I have some new numbers for you all. Considering I was on vacation last week and I was sick 2 of the 5 weeks of the last session I'm not displeased with my new measurements. I'm planning for good health in the next session which is going to include getting more sleep. I skimp on sleep and still manage to be surprised when I get sick or feel like an extra from a zombie movie.

One of my instructors really put the whole measurement thing into perspective for me. Yes, I should be conscious of the numbers and what they tell me, but they shouldn't be what keeps me going. If the only reason I'm watching my nutrition and exercising is to get smaller numbers then I need to reassess my priorities.

You will recall that I came to this conclusion with the number on the scale some time ago. Looking at it now I can see that I replaced my reliance on the scale with a reliance on my body fat percentage and inches. Don't get me wrong, I do understand that if the numbers creep up I need to look at what I've done and figure out where the problem is. If the numbers go down I am allowed to feel good about that. What I shouldn't be doing and am guilty of doing is "all-or-nothing" thinking.

For instance, for the past 3 sessions my body fat percentage has stayed the same (it went down 0.1% from December to February...I consider that staying the same). Have I pondered the fact that for the first time in my life my body fat percentage is in the AVERAGE range? Nope-I just see the number staying the same and I want to drown that bad feeling with some Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream. Fortunately at 5:30 in the morning with your coach right there it's not like you can whip a pint out of your bag and chow down while proclaiming that exercise stinks and it doesn't work anyway.

I have tried to approach this like a somewhat rational, mature woman. I'm human. While I can walk by foods I should limit 90% of the time, there is that 10% of the time I choose not to walk by and dive into a giant chocolate chip cookie like I'm starving. I ignore the common sense that reminds me the cookie won't make me feel better, it certainly won't help the numbers look better and in reality it won't really taste all that good. I eat that cookie and think "There, I'll show you" in perfect imitation of a two-year old tantrum.

I'm not perfect, not by a very, very long shot. I get frustrated and sad. I cry when the numbers don't go the way I want or I feel like I blew a workout. I don't really think I've ever "blown" a workout, but there are times I leave the BBC studio or the Wellness Center feeling beaten down and like I'm never going to get it. Those feelings are normal and I get to choose: Am I going to throw in the towel or am I going to fight on and improve? So far I'm fighting on because I really like the new me. Not every minute of every day, but more and more often I find myself feeling like I'm really an okay person.

What am I doing now to get those numbers moving? Exercise will continue and with the shoulder healing it's time to start pushing a little. Not to the point of pain or reinjury, I would like to think I have at least learned that lesson. I will also be faithfully tracking my nutrition and thinking hard about the choices I make about what I put into my body. There will be cheat meals, but they will be planned and considered carefully so they don't become cheat days. Right now I am finding I really like the SparkPeople nutrition tracker (you can check it out for free at www.sparkpeople.com). Sure it tells me my diet should be 50% carbs, 20% protein and 30% fat, but that doesn't mean I need to abide by that. I have different percentages in mind for myself. Today for instance my diet has been 32% protein, 39.8% carbs and  28.2% fat and I've consumed 1,362 calories (dinner is still to come. I'm thinking a huge salad with Tuna sounds good). Not a stellar day, but there have been worse. Looking at the percentage of carbs in my diet over a week or so I can see it's time to think more about vegetables and rely less on fruit. When I was just writing down what I ate with no program to calculate percentages I didn't see that. I played around with a tracker awhile back, but that's all I did: play with it.

As an experiment for myself I am going to be diligent about tracking my food and see what that does to my numbers at the end of the next session.

I've certainly been long winded today, haven't I? I suppose you'd really like to have some numbers so you can get back to your lives.

Current Measurements
Weight: 249 pounds
Body Fat Percentage: 29.8%
Hips: 48.25 in.
Waist: 38.5 in.
Arm: 14.5 in.
Thigh: 26 in.

Original  Measurements (I considered posting the numbers from the last session, but honestly I NEED to keep the big picture in mind: I have come a LONG WAY and I need to remind myself of that)
Weight: 293 pounds
Body Fat Percentage: 37.9%
Hips: 54.75 in.
Waist: 44 in.
Arm: 14.5 in.
Thigh: 27.75 in.   

Totals
Weight: - 44  pounds
Body Fat Percentage:  -8.1%
Hips: - 6.5 in. 
Waist: - 5.5 in.
 Arm: Same
Thigh: -1.75 in. 

So there you have it. Thanks for taking the time to read.    

Changes?

Left: January 2012 & on the Right: February 2013

All right, let me just get this out there right from the start. Yes, I know my body has changed. No, I don't see it. I know it has happened, I spent the money on the new clothes, but I don't see it. Perhaps I should be troubled by that, but I have enough sense to know people would not keep telling me how good I look if it were not true, so I listen to them and I try not to worry about my perception.

Does it bother me that my perception of myself is skewed? Yes, sometimes it does. I've always been a "big girl", not that I am a waif now or anything close to that, but I'd like to see the reality. I see the same person as the picture on the left, the "before" picture, whenever I look in the mirror. I think some therapist could make a fortune on me...been there, done that. I'll stick with my workouts. No disrespect meant to anyone in the counseling profession, I just haven't had much luck finding someone I want to trust.. I suspect much of that problem is my own personal problem.

So why this post? I was silent for a long while and now I've written 2 posts in about a week's time. Part of it is I feel like writing. I've put some drama to rest in my personal life and I'm putting the focus on myself.

The job is still overwhelming, frustrating, rewarding, maddening and more work than I feel capable of most days, but I'm going to keep plugging away. The learning curve is  still a vertical line, but a few little things are falling into place so I keep going, hoping eventually all those little things will add up to a big thing and I'll feel like I can breathe and relax just a little bit.

Workouts were going well this week. There was the need to modify the bear crawls on Wednesday, but I was pretty proud that I did 12 bear crawls before the walking lunges were necessary. T-pushups...well, those weren't so successful, but I tried and when it became clear I wasn't showing much common sense continuing with those I went to regular push ups.

Then I got up Thursday morning and I felt awful. I think it's just a cold, but yesterday it felt a lot like I'd been run over by a truck. Today I am just tired...exhausted actually. I'm going to be going to Disney World tomorrow and I am excited, but right now the excitement is dimmed by the feeling I could sleep the entire weekend away and be happy. Nyquil and Dayquil are packed, I'm being compliant with my nutrition and I am giving my body a break from working out so I can kick this cold quickly. I am not going to spend my first ever visit to Disney sick...no way!

So what is going on when I return from vacation? Another VMI weekend and action research. I don't like the idea my vacation will be cut short by VMI, but not having to write sub plans is a bonus.

Fitness-wise, I am debating about signing up for the next Staff vs. Campers Olympics in Derby in April. Mostly I am waiting for the shoulder to be completely healed so I can start forging ahead on my goal to dead lift 320 pounds. Not sure if I'll get to 320 or not, but I am going to lift more than 305 for sure. Training for Tough Mudder too...that will be a definite adventure. I get butterflies thinking about it now...but August 10 I should be bouncing off walls. Stay tuned...that should be supremely entertaining.

For now I'm going to go back to some hot tea and warm, furry cats.

Thanks for reading!