Thursday, September 21, 2017

Ummm....

I am so naive. At my heaviest I weighed 309 pounds, as of this morning at 3:15 am (yes, I was up at this completely obscene time of the day, not entirely by choice, but I was up) I weigh 192. Still too heavy, still fat if you want to just be blunt about it, but there is undeniably less of me then there used to be.

I really, truly believed losing the weight would make me happier, that all my problems and lack of confidence would be gone. What I'm discovering day by day, to my great disgust, is that the only thing I've lost is 117 pounds. I'm the same person inside, even if I take up less space. The insecurities, the need to please those around me and my inability to believe I am enough are still there. I was really kind of hoping that when I entered "onederland" I would be changed. The only thing that changed was the number on the scale. I still step on the scale, see that number and have to check a couple more times to really believe it. I even weigh myself at my happy place on the scale I was sure was out to get me, sometimes it tells me I weigh less than my scale at home does, sometimes it tells me I'm a couple of tenths of a pound more, but for the most part it confirms what the scale at home tells me.

I shouldn't be surprised. I've read enough articles to know losing weight doesn't change anything about your personality or quirks. I'm the same ball of insecurities I have always been.

Take today as an example. I was at work, doing what I do and someone told me it was nice to see new people gaining confidence and that I was doing really well. Nice compliment and all, but I didn't buy a word of it. I see the mistakes and today there were plenty of them. I see the times I fall short of a target. I see the looks on the faces of some of the higher ups at times. I could be reading way more into those things than I should, but I can't help it.

Then there was training with Coach D. More conditioning work today. I asked for this...I really did. I told Coach D I wanted a new body in 2017. I need to think my comments through more carefully. Today there was a 3000 meter row. The distance sounded bad enough, then he told me the rest of it: 500 meters at a fast pace, 500 meters at a slower pace until I got to 3000. I whined, I dragged my feet, I got out my headphones, got on the rower and got to work. As any of you who have been reading my blog for awhile know, the rower is also dubbed "the gold star machine" by the Pride coaches. With 3000 meters ahead of me I truly wondered when, not if, I would vomit. I am proud to report it didn't happen. No gold stars today.

After my row, we went into The Asylum and I got to work on overhead presses for 10 reps and at the end of my tenth rep I had to hold the barbell overhead for 30 seconds. The first round was hard, rounds 2 and 3 were harder. Then there were rounds 4 and 5: I dropped the bar. When I did it in Round 4 I also felt the tears well. The nasty voice started taunting instantly that's right...make the failure worse by crying. Coach D will love that. The beast responded to the taunt by urging me to pick the bar back up, get it over my head and finish the round. I did it, it hurt, the back of my right arm was on fire, but I got the 65 pound barbell back over my head and I finished my 30 seconds. Round 5 looked a lot the same, though I wasn't sure I'd be able to get the bar over my head and it was my left hand tingling. I was never happier than when Coach D told me time was up.

The finisher for training tonight was five rounds of 10 calories on the bike followed by pushing the prowler down the turf and back. I was hoping it would be the prowler on valslides, the one that moves so much easier. Nope, should have known better, Coach D wanted me pushing the other one. The one I asked if he'd put velcro on the bottom of last week. The one that made me cry in frustration last week. Tonight wasn't much easier, but I did it. In case you wondered my best time for getting to 10 calories on the bike was 56 seconds, my worst was 1:13.

I finished my workout before Pride closed for the evening. I got a fist bump and a "good work tonight" from my coach and what did I focus on? I focused on dropping the barbell and each successive round of my finisher taking longer to get to 10 calories on the bike. You know the nasty little voice had to get her two cents in. I replayed my last 3 meets, my first three with USAPL and how I screwed up my squats, bench presses and deadlifts. I screwed up deadlifts,my favorite lift, the one I thought I was best at. By the time I got home I was feeling anxious and underwhelmed with my performance.

I know I need to work on the mental stuff. I need to erase the negative loop and evict the nasty voice taking up space in my head. I'm betting if I can get the mental under control my performance on the platform will improve too. Instead of wondering how and when I will screw up I will be able to focus on nailing my lift. I will take compliments at work. I will take correction without assuming it means I am just plain awful.  I will enjoy my training and take my fist bumps and "good work" at face value. I won't always be waiting for the other shoe to drop with my shoulders hunched up around my ears.

Nope, losing weight hasn't changed me inside. That work is going to be much harder.

Thanks for reading!

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