Saturday, March 11, 2017

Being Visible

It's become clear to me that being invisible, flying under the radar and slipping through my life without making waves are no longer options. My coach, who is not prone to exaggeration, told me recently that other people in the gym look to me. I was tempted to be a complete smart ass and ask him what they were looking to me for, proof that gravity was still functioning the way it should. Notice I said I was tempted to ask, not that I had asked. I might be getting just a little wiser as I age.

I don't mind being visible for the most part. I don't think I mind people looking to me, it feels a little weird in the gym since I don't know all that much and there are about three things I do and do well in the gym. Want to watch me deadlift, back squat or bench press: have at it, be my guest. Just please promise me you won't watch me attempt cleans. Okay, I should amend that, If your initials are TT or DM you absolutely should be watching me clean, cueing me and correcting me...I'd like to think some day my cleans wouldn't be as grim as they are now. Perhaps wishful thinking, but I do hold out hope.

I find myself actively doing what I can to insure I can't be invisible. I approach people, mostly friends and mentors, I haven't quite progressed to the point that I go up to complete strangers and say "Wanna see my latest deadlift". Sometimes as I'm approaching the person I'm intent to show my video to I have reservations, the "what kind of egomaniac are you" variety, but that has yet to stop me. Let's be honest: I have worked HARD, really really hard to get where I am and if I can't celebrate and acknowledge that with people I respect and care about then I need a new group of people.

I am working on shaking off labels and expectations that just don't fit me. I am accommodating and flexible, but don't think for a second I am a doormat. People have made that assumption before and in their defense I have allowed them to use me for their own ends. I'm usually nice, but when the need arises I am ruthless. People have found themselves completely cut out of my life. I'm not proud of having to shut people out, it means I made a mistake about whom I could trust to truly care about me. It doesn't feel good to walk away without a backward glance, but I've done it. I don't hate the people I've walked away from, I wish them well in wherever their journey leads them but our paths are no longer the same.

Being visible isn't comfortable, not in any way. I may be able to block out everyone else in the room when I stand on a platform, but the moment that lift is over it all comes rushing back in and I feel nauseous.

I went to a different Muscle Hour class on Wednesday night this week. Usually I am at the 6 pm class, but I decided to change it up and went to the 7 pm class. I honestly don't think anyone else there was really watching me,  except Coach D, but he has a vested interest in making sure I'm squatting to the proper depth. I felt like I was under a microscope though. No one made me feel awkward or weird, but I did get questions about how much I was squatting. In the 6 pm class I don't stand out in any way, I'm just one of the "guys". I'm not saying anyone made me feel uncomfortable, that's not the case at all, I just think I was new to the class. The 6 pm group is used to me.

When I first started this blog I was all about posting my numbers whenever I got measured. I've gotten away from that, but no time like the present to reinstate that habit. I'm on the last 4 weeks of a challenge to lose weight, inches and body fat. I think I've done well so far and I intend to keep it up until the end. There's another photo shoot at the end of the challenge and even though I have yet to see a picture of me that doesn't make me cringe and shudder at first I keep putting myself out there in the hopes that I'll get over that one of these days.

So here are my numbers as of last night when Coach D measured me. I'll let you know how much I've lost and if you want to do the math you can see where I started. In addition to being visible, I'm working on not dwelling on the past, just keeping my eyes forward.

Weight: 235.4 pounds (-15 pounds)
Body Fat Percentage: 42.5% (-1.2%)
Waist: 45.5" (-2")
Hips: 49" (-3")
Arm: 15.5" (stayed the same. I am more than okay with this!)

As a side note, I had my measurements done before Flex Friday yesterday and after the class I asked Coach D to measure my arm again. My arm was 18" after the workout. Up 2.5" from where I started. I want muscular arms so I can comfortably wear tank tops, but I don't want small arms.

I am happy with those numbers. Yes, they are still big numbers, but if you want to judge me on the numbers alone and not on who I am as a person and in the gym I invite you to join me at Pride Fitness Performance and see just what this body can do. I am so much more than those numbers can tell you. All those numbers can tell you if how much space I take up, nothing about the person I am. My coaches seem to be proud of me, my friends love me as I am. I don't need numbers to prove I am worthy. I don't even need a 1000 pound three lift total, though I intend to have that.

I am worthy just the way I am. I work on me to make myself happy, I don't do it because I must weigh a certain amount. I am worthy and I don't want to be invisible anymore.

Thanks for reading!

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