Who Are You?

When you get up at 4:30 in the morning you have time to ponder all sorts of things. Like "Is that a clump of cat hair or a really big spider?" "With the amount of cat hair on the floor how are my cats not totally bald?" "Why is my dog shedding-again?"

Then there are the fitness related questions "Do I really have less arm jiggle or am I imagining that?" "Did I almost get a chin up last night, or was that only wishful thinking?"

Then there are the deep personal questions. "Who are you?" was the big one this morning. I really need to learn to get up, let the dog out, feed her, feed the cats and go back to bed. I get way too damn introspective before 5 am.

It's an easy question on the surface. I'm a daughter, sister, aunt, friend, special education teacher and as weird as it still feels to say it I am a powerlifter. Some would describe me as an athlete, but the people I consider athletes are multi-talented. I am a one-trick pony. I am not minimizing what I can do. I am a really proud, hard-working one-trick pony, but I am not multi-talented. That's okay: I am proud of the skills I have since I wasn't so sure I had any at all when I started this journey.

You may have noticed I am not much for looking at things on the surface. If there's a way to complicate anything I am going to find it and RUN with it. Besides, it was 4:45 am, the caffeine hadn't kicked in yet and I over think EVERYTHING...I do mean everything people: run now.

So who am I below what you see on the surface?

I don't think I'm all that mysterious to be honest. What I am feeling tends to show on my face or much to my embarrassment, leak out of my eyes. There are things I keep pretty deeply buried and most of those things don't ever need to see the light of day. I am not going to improve any one's life dwelling on the past. My life to this point has prepared me to be where I am at this moment. Where I am right now is exactly where I am supposed to be. Nothing that led me here has been a mistake or a catastrophe, no matter how it felt at the time.

I believe in expressing my appreciation and doing nice things for people I care about. Some have teased me about being a suck up. I certainly can't deny that I want people to like me, but I don't give people things to make them like me. I figured out a long time ago that that never works and too many people will take advantage of you if you give them things. I do nice things because I have learned to express my appreciation when the opportunity arises. It is true that we never know when we won't see someone again. I don't want any more instances in my life when I thought I had more time to say something and it turns out time is up.

I am fierce and fiercely focused. Now that I have discovered my niche and my passion I'm pretty hard to deter. When I decide I want something I go all in. As Coach T would say I give it a 100% run. There are times this fierceness comes out as anger or impatience. I have heard my face when I am working on my lifts is scary. My "business face" comes in handy sometimes. I guess it lets people know I'm serious about what I'm doing anyway.

I am a perfectionist and a bit obsessive. If you have ever seen me with a bar where the plates aren't the same color you know exactly what I am talking about. Can I lift a bar with a black 45# plate and a blue one? Yes I can, I did the last time I PR'd my deadlift, but I wasn't comfortable. I like things to match and I like order. I have been know to rerack plates or organize the kettlebells at Pride just so things are "right". There is a good chance I've even taken all the collars down from where they are hanging to be sure the same colors are together...I probably need to be stopped. Who knows, maybe I'm entertaining the coaches so they just let me go.

The most surprising thing I've discovered about me in the last year is my voice. I used to be quiet in the gym, my face might show the effort I was expending, but I was silent. In November at my meet I did something I'd never done before. When I pulled my third deadlift to lockout I screamed. It felt amazing to do that. I don't know why I didn't do it sooner, but now I can't seem to stop myself. When something is hard or I am about to PR I scream. It really does give me the extra boost to get things done. It didn't quite work on that 215# bench, but it will. Who knew I had a voice? Who knew that scream would unleash every bit of the beast within? I used to wonder why people  yelled or grunted or shouted during workouts: now I understand completely. I wish I'd tried this out sooner. I suppose I wasn't ready before though. The shy, quiet, invisible part of me kept a leash on the beast and wouldn't let go for fear of drawing attention.

So who am I? I am me...the quiet, shy, introverted, sensitive, intelligent, fierce beast. I am a fighter, survivor, badass, queen powerlifter. I am a wanna-be coaches' pet who lives for fist bumps, high fives and hugs. I am the friend who wants everyone to be happy and needs reminders that it is okay for me to be happy too. I am impatient, grouchy, pushy and a general pain in the ass at times.

I guess we can sum it all up as I am a hot mess. That's okay though, the people who matter most to me like me just as I am. That's all I need.

Now  I need to work on not sitting up at 4:30 am pondering my life, my journey and the future.

Nine weeks until my next meet. Nine weeks to train and soak in all the knowledge Coach D and Coach T have to offer. Nine weeks to get better and stronger. I almost said nine weeks to become worthy, but the truth is I am already worthy, I always have been. It just took time for me to realize it. I. Won.

Working on being better. Thanks for the photo Dane Martin.

Thanks for reading!