Dreams

I am nearing the end of year 3 of this journey and there was a time in the early Fall I was sure the journey was over. We could get into why I felt that way, but digging up the past doesn't do any good. I'll leave it at I learned a lesson and I'm stronger for it. Onward and upward.

In preparation for looking at the goals I set for 2014 to see which ones I met and which still need work I've been thinking of my dreams old and new. Some I have been clinging to because they are what I wanted at one time, even if they don't quite fit anymore.

I remember thinking about my wedding while I was growing up, trying to imagine the kind of man I would marry and all the rest of the fairy tale I was convinced I wanted. I'm not knocking marriage at all. I have a great deal of respect for marriage and for people who make it work. I don't think I'm one of the people who could make a marriage work and I'm discovering that's okay and I am okay with it.

I found a quote the other day that I really liked. I posted it on my facebook page and I will post it here too. "Being with no one is better than being with the wrong one. Sometimes, those who fly solo have the strongest wings." If I am supposed to be single then that is how it should be and no amount of fussing or fixing on my part will change it.

So what does talking about being single have to do with my fitness journey? It's all about acceptance. My journey is just that: MY JOURNEY. No one else can take it for me. No one else can be in charge of it. No one else is going to have exactly the same journey. Even if a friend and I start in exactly the same place at the same time we are not going to necessarily reach the end at the same time. We might not even have the same "end" in mind.

Do I want my journey to speed up? Oh hells to the yes! I want to be thin, even though if I were I'm not sure I would see myself that way. I want to be fit so I can compete in any event I wish and know at the start I can finish it and be proud of what I did. I want to be a "cool kid", not the socially awkward observer. I want to perform each work out so well that I earn a fist bump.

I'm a contradiction though. For all the recognition I want, I want anonymity just as much. I want to do something that makes people ask me if I'm crazy or look at me with that disbelieving smile that says clearer than words that they really don't understand me and think I might truly be crazy.

I have had more recognition than I am remotely comfortable with and the one thing I still want to do and have every intention of doing is not for the recognition. I don't want a pat on the back or anything at all. With the extraordinary opportunities I have been given I want to pay it forward. I can't solve the world's problems, but I can make a difference in my own way.

There's enough meanness in the world, maybe one of my jobs here is to combat some of that with kindness. I might be socially awkward and quiet, but don't underestimate me. There is more inside than can be seen on the surface.

I should probably include a public service announcement with this. Something like: I am nice, I am kind, but if you choose to treat me as your doormat or your personal punching bag I will take notice. I am not weak, I am not here to be treated shabbily. Be that way if you feel you must, but know that I will not tolerate it. I will walk away even if it hurts me. I'd rather hurt for a little while than suffer endlessly. I'm not heartless, but I am learning my own worth.

So...the downward spiral is over and I'm crawling my way back up the hill. I'm trying to kill every workout. I'm practicing moves that are tough for me on my own, I'm doing my stretches and foam rolling, I'm walking into every work out with a positive outlook. I'm giving what I have to give and trying to remember my performance can't be compared to anyone else's nor should it be. It's not always easy to remember, but I'm working on it.

Thanks for reading my ramblings!