Sunday, May 25, 2014

How Do You Like Me Now?

It was a Toby Keith marathon on the walk this morning. Abbey appreciated the extra time we spent and is now happily snoring in her crate surrounded by all her toys which she had to carefully arrange before she got comfortable.

If I had to choose my absolute favorite TK song it would be "How Do You Like Me Now". It's a fun, upbeat song, and it got the wheels in my mind turning this morning while I kept my pace up. Less than a week until Tough Mudder and I'm going up every hill I can find just as fast as I can go.

So how do you like me now?

For those of you who encourage me every step of the way and remind me I'm more than I think I am: I hope I make you proud. I hope when you look at me you see your time, energy, faith and hard work paying off. I hope you know that I appreciate all you have done for me. I mean that sincerely: I'm not thanking you just as a courtesy with no thought behind it. I mean each and every word,. To my instructors past and present: you got me started on this journey, you gave me the tools to work with and helped me find the courage to do the work. To my friends (instructors you belong on both lists): when I want to give up you encourage and inspire me. When I feel like my world is caving in and crashing down around my ears you remind me I am not alone and I just need to adjust my perspective to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Then there are the other people. Those select few who take some sort of perverse pleasure in reminding me of how many times I've failed in the past and seem to be waiting for me to fail now. Seriously?? I do not live my life thinking I am better than anyone else. If you don't or can't support me then walk away. There is nothing of interest for you here. Life is too short to spend it being cruel. If you can't walk away, then I will make it easier for you and walk away myself. You don't have to like me, but don't be mean. It's simple, most of us heard that in Kindergarten. Think about how much nicer life would be if more of us put that into practice.

Wow, time to step off my soapbox and put it away, isn't it? Lecture over, Professor Swett is leaving the building. Yikes.

I realized something else this morning as I plowed my way up a hill while Abbey, the bouncing boxer, raced up and down 5 times. I am not like anyone else. My life experiences make me uniquely qualified to be ME, not to be someone else's shadow. I have a message I can share that might inspire or encourage someone else. I have something to contribute that could brighten someone's day or make them stop and think about the possibilities.

The decision I need to make is am I willing to step outside my comfort zone, open myself up to other people and use who I am to help or am I going to wall myself off from all but a select few people so I can be "safe". I think those of you who have encouraged, cajoled, pushed and comforted me would like to see me step up to the plate and swing for the stands.

I'm stubborn, I'm curious and I do like a good adventure so it's time to tear down the walls, be myself and see what happens.

Two posts in one weekend....I guess I had something to say. Or I just like to ramble on and hope people will read. Take your pick.

Thanks for reading!

Friday, May 23, 2014

One of the "Cool Kids"

Appearances can be deceiving. For example I have been told people tend to think I am aloof, cold or just downright a snob when they first meet me. I do understand where that perception comes from, I do have a tendency to stand on the periphery observing rather than getting involved and talking. The truth is I don't ever feel like I belong. I stand on the outside because that feels somewhat comfortable.

I've often wondered what it would be like to be one of the "cool kids". You know the ones, the ones who look like they have it all figured out and just effortlessly know the right thing to do and say in any situation. The ones who seem to be above it all.

So why am I thinking about this instead of getting COMPLETELY freaked out that Tough Mudder New England is just about a week away? Oh please, I am a champion multi-tasker when it comes to worrying. I have it covered. I'm quietly getting more anxious by the day. There will be a post about my second TM when I complete it, until then I'll stick with "cool kids".

For the last two and a half years I have been surrounded by people I would have to say are the "cool kids". The part that mystifies me is that no one has called me out and asked me to get lost. No one has pointed at me and made me feel like a complete fraud. Honestly, I work out and hang out with people who have lost over 200 pounds, dead lift incredible amounts of weight, run up hills that leave me wishing for death halfway up and just run in general without looking like they really want to punch someone. Sometimes I just plain feel like an impostor. I try to look the part and God knows I push myself to do what's expected, but I don't ever feel like I quite measure up.

You know what surprises me the most? These "cool kids" seem to like having me around. I don't think it's just the comic relief I provide when I trip on the turf or the mats or some other perfectly flat surface. These people seem to really LIKE me. Me. The shy kid. The one who chose to play all by herself in the block corner in Kindergarten so she wouldn't have to figure out how to talk to the other kids. Yet here I am...surrounded by people I wouldn't have imagined would waste a second of their time with me. Just maybe I've been misjudging myself all these years.

Case in point. Last Sunday I went to Manchester, NH with 3 of the "cool kids" and participated in a two hour Spartan workout with them. If you have the chance to participate in one I HIGHLY recommend it. It's free, you get a t-shirt and it was just plain FUN. There is one in Burlingon, VT on June 14. You can check it out and sign up here if you are interested. http://www.spartanraceworkout.com/home.html   I really can't recommend it enough: it was fun. Yes I did say a workout was fun.

I don't think I'm a "cool kid" by any means. I know I don't have all the answers. I don't know the right things to say or do, but I try. I'm also discovering as time goes on that these "cool kids" aren't so different from me. They have doubts and worries too. They're human just like me. They have a prettier exterior and/or more confidence in themselves, but really most of them struggle too.

I had another far-fetched thought last night when I should have been sleeping, but my brain wouldn't shut off. There could be someone out there who looks at me and sees a "cool kid". I don't really think that's true, but it could be I suppose.

If I could choose the way people see me I'd like for them to see someone who is kind, generous, hard-working and trying to be the best person she can be. I do know what other people think of me and how they see me is none of my business so even with my keen ability to over-think and obsess I don't spend a lot of time on how people see me.

Back to your evening. Thanks so much for reading.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Thoughts


I might be stronger, but at heart I am still easily frightened and timid.

What's my biggest fear? It's quite simple: I am afraid I do not have what it takes to maintain the level of fitness I've achieved or the weight I've shed. So how have I handled that?

I'm pretty sure I'll be able to maintain the weight loss, I don't have much of an appetite lately. If it weren't for smoothies I don't know if I'd bother to try to eat. I used to be a stress eater, I never met any chocolate I didn't like especially when I felt cornered and trapped. This time I wanted to hide, I wanted to fight, but I didn't want chocolate. That's progress. I would happily live without the churning feeling when I do eat, but not wanting chocolate is just fine with me.

As far as my fitness goes, working out has kept me sane. I have come to the realization that I am pushing myself too hard though: I'm tired. I still love to work out, but I might need to smarten up and give myself a break. I hurt more than I used to.

There's a huge problem: I don't want to go back to where I started. I've worked so hard in the past 2 years that the idea I could slide back scares me. It's not rational, but there it is. I don't want to let anyone down, myself included, so I push. I finally almost like myself: I don't want to be back to the place where I hate what I see in the mirror. I want to feel strong and proud of what I can do.

I think I finally realized tonight I need to slow down a little. I love lifting heavy, I love pushing my limits, but tonight during personal training I wasn't sure I had it in me to complete my last round with the prowler. I was tired and I ached. I wanted to quit, but I won't let myself or my instructors down like that. YES, I still find myself worrying I'll let Ben, Tyler or Mary down. They have invested A LOT of time and energy in me: the least I can do is repay that by giving my all every time I step into the studio.

I will continue to work out, but I am going to slow down a little bit and use some common sense. I wasn't graced with a lot of common sense, but I have enough to know how to slow down. At least I'm pretty sure I do. I will ask that my friends remind me there is no prize for injuring myself. I respond to smacks in the back of the head, a Gibbs' head slap, for any NCIS fans out there.

I know this is short, but I will leave you with a quote I found this morning that I plan to put into practice in my life. There are some battles that I just don't care enough about to fight. End of story.