Impostor

Some people have told me they love reading my blog: they like how honest I am.

Well brace yourself: I'm about to be honest. Or whiny...I'll let you  decide.

I've been struggling lately. On the surface all seems okay: I have adjusted to my job as a manager...most days I don't drive home in tears or wish I could crawl under a rock and hide. My workouts are going well, the tweaked shoulders and right hip are getting better. I should be feeling pretty darn good.

Inn reality I feel the same as I always have: I feel like a fraud. A complete and utter fraud. The feeling has a name: Impostor Syndrome. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for my boss to decide I don't have what it takes. Waiting for my coach to look at me and decide he's wasted too much valuable time on me and tell me I need to move on. To be clear neither my boss or my coach have given any indication they feel that way. Professionally and fitness-wise there are absolutely things I need to work on, but other than me, no one seems to think I can't do the work and improve.

I've always felt like a fraud. Going through college, working on my Master's degree, teaching: I was never comfortable. I never felt like I was "enough". Sometimes it is a wonder to me I had the courage to fill out the application for the Biggest Mooser competition. Obviously, despite the nagging doubt, there is a part of me that knows I am so much more than I think I am.

Powerlifting is my passion, no surprise there. I spend hours thinking about, reading about, and practicing my technique. yet when I step on the platform I am terrified. I have no idea why I am putting myself through the stress. I am still in awe that there is a group of people who support me enough to take time out of their busy lives to haul my ass and more gear than you can imagine to meets. The closest meets have been in Burlington...so these amazing people have invested many, many hours in me.

Maybe this feeling of being a fraud wouldn't be quite so strong if I would pick heroes who aren't quite so super. At work my heroes don't seem to flinch no matter what they are asked to do: work in grill, run the floor during the day, anything and they do it well.

The Asylum. Pride Fitness Performance. This is my happy place. I can quiet the doubts here, at least briefly. 

I've mentioned my other hero many times. Nothing like deciding your hero should be someone whose skill level far exceeds anything you could dream of. I don't think I've ever seen anything he can't do. At least I am slowly, painfully slowly,becoming aware that it is fine to look up to Coach T2, but I can't compare my ability to his. I won't ever measure up to that bar, and that's okay. I think all he asks from me is that I give him my best.

I do know my current struggles are on me. I dislike change, probably not a wise choice for my word in 2019. I have the tools to get past these struggles and I will get past them: there isn't any other option, unless I'm planning to give up and if I didn't give up in 2017 I sure as HELL am not giving up now. My circle has gotten smaller, but it is strong.

I may wonder if I have the skills to succeed at work and in the gym, but I won't stop. Whatever it takes there is no quit. Bear with me while I work through the muck and mire. I will come out of it.



Thank you for reading!