Hey
everyone! Long time no see.
I've decided it's time to come out from under my rock and put
some thoughts down. They might be entertaining; I'll strive for that. They
might also just be a semi-coherent ramble. You just never know.
Since my last powerlifting meet in October 2020, I've been
busy personally and professionally. Did some floundering, went through some
valleys, had a few peaks.
One of the things I decided on in December 2020 was a new
coach. I could have kept getting programs from my former coach and continued on
quite happily. I know myself though: I need someone closer than Alaska to keep
me on my game. I knew the coach I wanted. First though I contacted my Coach T.
I wasn't going to go with a new coach if he was against the idea. He was
whole-heartedly for my idea, he told me he had been thinking of suggesting the
switch himself. He assured me I was welcome to continue attending Pride. Time
to make contact.
I contacted my choice for a new coach, Brad Collins, not sure
how long it would take him to get back to me or if he had the space on his
roster to add another athlete. I don't think it took twenty-four hours for him
to respond. We spoke on the phone a few days later so he could get an idea of
what I was looking for and we made an appointment for an intake.
Can I just tell you the day of my intake at KILOS Performance
and Fitness I was so nervous I had serious butterflies and I wasn't at all
sure I really wanted to go through with it. I mean, I could keep working during
open gym hours at Pride and find a program online to purchase to make sure I
was getting my powerlifting training. You have to love the insane, irrational
part of my brain that has decided any and all change must be met with flight. I
am happy to report my rational side was able to stifle the irrational whiner
and the intake was painless. Best of all I had a plan: one night per week at
KILOS with three days of open gym at Pride and a program to guide me.
It took me time to adjust to the change and for many weeks I
wasn't sure I'd made the right decision. I felt on the fringe at both gyms, I
wasn't sure how I felt about taking video of myself. Actually, that is one
hundred percent not true: I knew I HATED taking video. It took some wise words
from Coach T to make me think of the videos as a chance to keep track of my
progress. Instead of thinking of the shape of my body I could view my
technique. Pretty sure Coach Brad isn't looking to see what leggings and top
I've chosen when he reviews the videos.
I am certainly a slow-to-warm-up individual, sometimes to the
extreme, so it probably shouldn't have surprised me that I spent so many weeks
wondering if I'd made a bad decision.
Finally, at the beginning of the week I was finishing up an
open gym session and had a chance to sit down and chat with a friend. She said
she's been watching me, and she sees a whole new confidence and positive energy
in me. I had been in my head during my work thinking how heavy my deadlifts
were feeling and kind of angry with myself for forgetting my program at home,
so I was going by memory on what I needed to work on. She saw none of the
garbage in my head: she only saw someone pulling heavy weights and looking
strong and confident.
Fast forward to Wednesday night at KILOS. Back squat night.
The program called for a 5X8 at 64% of my 1 rep max. Ah squats, the lift that
scares me the most. I know I shouldn't be afraid of squatting Coach Brad isn't
suggesting I put more weight on my back than I have the ability to move. Coach
Ryan was there, there were safeties up on the rig. Sometimes though the
irrational side is shrieking, and Wednesday was that night. Instead of what was
programmed I did a 5x8 at 90 kg, which was about 11 kgs less than I was
supposed to squat. Honestly the workout was a win: I felt the fear and I walked
through it and out the other side. Maybe it wasn't 101 kgs, but it was a win.
Whatever it takes, and Wednesday night it took a lot.
When I was cleaning the plates and returning them a woman
approached me to tell me how awesome I was. I was honestly shocked. I was so
caught up in what I didn't accomplish I forgot to be aware of what I had
accomplished. I don't know who that woman was, but she was so sweet and kind to
say what she did to me.
Just another reminder that we never know who is watching us.
Nor do we know what they see. People see a me that I likely never will. I am oh
so human and I tend to see the flaws. That isn't a horrible thing, as a
powerlifter with designs on competing on a national platform in 2021 or 2022, I
need to be aware of what needs work and iron out the flaws in my lifts. I also
need to be a little less critical and find the joy in this journey. I need to
respect the weight on the bar, but I don't need to, nor should I fear it.
So here's to 2021 and seeing where Coach Brad and I can bring
me. Whatever it takes, I will remember to take the work seriously, but to enjoy
it as well.
Thanks for reading!
Friday, March 5, 2021
You Never Know
Saturday, June 27, 2020
Comparison
Wow, it's been awhile, hasn't it?
I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I haven't given up on writing. I've just been busy: overthinking and working. The pandemic and subsequent stay-at-home order didn't net me any time off. I am actually totally thankful for that. My anxiety might have climbed through the roof, but I was busy keeping shake and frappe machines clean and running. The running joke may be that McDonald's shake machines are never working, but I do my best to make sure that isn't true in the four stores I work in.
My gym opened up again on June 2. The break was much needed, but it was hard. I went from working out with a fully equipped gym to no equipment at all. Abbey, the canine trainer, kept me busy walking, and I moved as many heavy things as I could find at work, but it wasn't the same.
The break was good. When Pride closed I was honestly questioning whether I was a powerlifter, whether it was something I even cared about doing anymore. My body was tired, even more my mind was tired. During the time I had away from Pride I couldn't stop thinking about lifting: it was all I wanted to do. No matter if I had to start at the beginning when I went back: I was a powerlifter and I was going to keep lifting as long as I could.
I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I haven't given up on writing. I've just been busy: overthinking and working. The pandemic and subsequent stay-at-home order didn't net me any time off. I am actually totally thankful for that. My anxiety might have climbed through the roof, but I was busy keeping shake and frappe machines clean and running. The running joke may be that McDonald's shake machines are never working, but I do my best to make sure that isn't true in the four stores I work in.
My gym opened up again on June 2. The break was much needed, but it was hard. I went from working out with a fully equipped gym to no equipment at all. Abbey, the canine trainer, kept me busy walking, and I moved as many heavy things as I could find at work, but it wasn't the same.
The break was good. When Pride closed I was honestly questioning whether I was a powerlifter, whether it was something I even cared about doing anymore. My body was tired, even more my mind was tired. During the time I had away from Pride I couldn't stop thinking about lifting: it was all I wanted to do. No matter if I had to start at the beginning when I went back: I was a powerlifter and I was going to keep lifting as long as I could.
I went back to the gym feeling renewed...unfortunately what they say about bringing yourself with you wherever you go is true. In this case I brought my inner critic back with me and she was in full voice from the first day.
My conditioning has always been an issue and my progress in that regard feels like it moves at a geriatric turtle's pace, if it moves that fast. I may be lapping everyone sitting on the couch, but just barely.
I love Aevolv, I love the women I workout with, I appreciate and respect my coaches (maybe love them as well...but let's not get too sappy). The problem is my inner critic loves to point out how slow I am, how utterly uncoordinated compared to these women. I am strong, that even I can see, but in all other ways I see myself as lacking. One bright spot is that I've learned not to compare myself to Coach T2...I have wisdom enough to recognize that I will never equal his athleticism and ability.
Comparison is the thief of joy. I can attest to that. From the first class back try though I might have, I couldn't stop comparing myself to the two women in the class.
It came to a head Tuesday, June 23. The second part of the workout called for hang cleans. Cleans are my nemesis, one of my biggest weaknesses. I respect the skill they take to perform, but I just can't seem to put all the parts together to perform the move. I haven't quit on them, but I just can't do one yet.
My conditioning has always been an issue and my progress in that regard feels like it moves at a geriatric turtle's pace, if it moves that fast. I may be lapping everyone sitting on the couch, but just barely.
I love Aevolv, I love the women I workout with, I appreciate and respect my coaches (maybe love them as well...but let's not get too sappy). The problem is my inner critic loves to point out how slow I am, how utterly uncoordinated compared to these women. I am strong, that even I can see, but in all other ways I see myself as lacking. One bright spot is that I've learned not to compare myself to Coach T2...I have wisdom enough to recognize that I will never equal his athleticism and ability.
Comparison is the thief of joy. I can attest to that. From the first class back try though I might have, I couldn't stop comparing myself to the two women in the class.
It came to a head Tuesday, June 23. The second part of the workout called for hang cleans. Cleans are my nemesis, one of my biggest weaknesses. I respect the skill they take to perform, but I just can't seem to put all the parts together to perform the move. I haven't quit on them, but I just can't do one yet.
I was hot, tired, and feeling like I would never measure up when I walked in. The hang cleans only made it worse and I got angry. I walked away from the group and completed the end of the workout on my own. I apologized to the coaches before I left, because that is not who I am: I am not going to let my temper get the better of me. Coach C took the time to talk with me and offer very valuable advice and reminders.
Thursday night I want back to the gym with a renewed purpose. As I was setting up my area for squats my gym log opened up. The log I am using now has quotes at the top for every workout. If you are interested it is "Strong Starts in the Mind: Workout Journal 1" by Lisbeth Darsh. I love her work, her writing resonates with me and the quote I saw when I looked down after getting the barbell in place stopped me for a second.
"Stop making excuses. Stop explaining failures. Stop looking to take the heat off. What's the worst that happens? You fail, SO WHAT? At least you had a go at it. At least you had guts. At least you showed your big and beautiful heart."
I needed to see that. I needed to read it and remember my why. I needed to take it to heart and remember conversations with people whose opinions matter. I needed to decide once and for all that it is time to DO ME. Time to BE ME. Time to do the thing I want to do, the one that scares me and excites me. I have been saying since I started powerlifting that I wanted to compete in a national meet. I could always come up with an excuse not to sign up though: I wasn't good enough. My total wasn't high enough. I wouldn't get a good enough total to earn any hardware. A million excuses that boiled down to one thing: I didn't think I was ENOUGH.
Maybe I am not good enough, but I know I can achieve a three lift total that will allow me to compete in a national meet. That's enough. I need to stand up, stand strong, and see just where my ability will take me. Maybe it won't be a gold, maybe it will be. At the end of the day all I know for certain is that I need to try. I need to be brave and confront the thing that makes me the most nervous.
A national powerlifting meet, for a former couch potato is pretty heady stuff. I am from a tiny corner of Vermont, not athletically gifted in any way, and 50 years old (birthdays during quarantine...I don't recommend them). I might feel like an impostor most days, but there is something in me that KNOWS I am not. Tyler Tinker wouldn't spend his time and energy on an impostor: I don't for one second think he would. Neither do I think that Brad Collins would want to talk goals with someone he didn't consider worthwhile. There are other people, just as important and impactful who think I have something amazing inside.
Time to take a chance and let the chips fall where they may. Nationals 2021 is the plan.
Sorry for the long absence. Thank you for reading!
Thursday night I want back to the gym with a renewed purpose. As I was setting up my area for squats my gym log opened up. The log I am using now has quotes at the top for every workout. If you are interested it is "Strong Starts in the Mind: Workout Journal 1" by Lisbeth Darsh. I love her work, her writing resonates with me and the quote I saw when I looked down after getting the barbell in place stopped me for a second.
"Stop making excuses. Stop explaining failures. Stop looking to take the heat off. What's the worst that happens? You fail, SO WHAT? At least you had a go at it. At least you had guts. At least you showed your big and beautiful heart."
I needed to see that. I needed to read it and remember my why. I needed to take it to heart and remember conversations with people whose opinions matter. I needed to decide once and for all that it is time to DO ME. Time to BE ME. Time to do the thing I want to do, the one that scares me and excites me. I have been saying since I started powerlifting that I wanted to compete in a national meet. I could always come up with an excuse not to sign up though: I wasn't good enough. My total wasn't high enough. I wouldn't get a good enough total to earn any hardware. A million excuses that boiled down to one thing: I didn't think I was ENOUGH.
Maybe I am not good enough, but I know I can achieve a three lift total that will allow me to compete in a national meet. That's enough. I need to stand up, stand strong, and see just where my ability will take me. Maybe it won't be a gold, maybe it will be. At the end of the day all I know for certain is that I need to try. I need to be brave and confront the thing that makes me the most nervous.
A national powerlifting meet, for a former couch potato is pretty heady stuff. I am from a tiny corner of Vermont, not athletically gifted in any way, and 50 years old (birthdays during quarantine...I don't recommend them). I might feel like an impostor most days, but there is something in me that KNOWS I am not. Tyler Tinker wouldn't spend his time and energy on an impostor: I don't for one second think he would. Neither do I think that Brad Collins would want to talk goals with someone he didn't consider worthwhile. There are other people, just as important and impactful who think I have something amazing inside.
Time to take a chance and let the chips fall where they may. Nationals 2021 is the plan.
Sorry for the long absence. Thank you for reading!
Saturday, December 28, 2019
Confident
I have a friend who has come up with a twist for New Year's resolutions. Instead of setting goals for the new year Eileen chooses a word that will guide her throughout the year. I love this idea. Of course I have goals and plans for the upcoming year, but I really like the idea of a word to guide me. An overarching theme for the year to come seems somehow less daunting than a list of goals to accomplish.
I have given my word for 2020 a lot of thought. It's a departure for me, but I have decided my word for 2020 will be CONFIDENT. It was a tough choice, I had other words in mind that wouldn't require so much of a stretch and departure from my comfort zone, but the truth is I'm not going to grow if I just hang out in my comfort zone. Time to pull up my big girl pants, screw up my courage and believe in my potential.
Yeah, it feels egotistical as hell to say I believe in my potential. How do I even know I have potential? Who am I to think I have not peaked? I'm 49 years old...I'm not wonder woman or supergirl or any sort of super hero at all. I am a bundle of nerves, insecurities, anxiety, and fear. So where did I come up with this idea that there is any more to me than is already on display for the world to see?
I blame my new fascination with podcasts. Yeah, I'm late to the discovery of podcasts. With a commute to work that is longer than 8 minutes three days a week I have plenty of time to listen. My current favorite is Stacy "Bama" Burr's "The Champion Mindset". I first became aware of her as a powerlifter, because I am always looking for women powerlifters to watch and follow. She was beyond a doubt a phenomenal powerlifter, the best in the world in fact, but she is an even more phenomenal speaker. I find when I listen to her and think about her points I get fired up. I don't want to just settle for status quo I really want to push and see where I can go. Professionally and personally I have decided it is time to feel a little more confidence in myself.
I'd like to think making confident my overarching theme for 2020 will encourage me to take a few risks, not to always play it safe. It will require me to believe in myself. I'm not saying I want to make foolish decisions, I just don't always want to take the easy path, the path of least resistance. I want to challenge myself when it is appropriate and possible. I don't think for one minute I will always succeed, but I hope the word confident will keep me pushing for more and striving to be better.
I don't think for one second that confident will be an easy word to carry with me through the coming year. I know there will be times the doubts will crowd in, my desire to be perfect will trip me up, and the road ahead will just look too daunting to navigate. That's okay, I'm not alone on this journey. I have to make the decision to keep going, but there are people standing by to support and encourage me if I will let them.
Yes, I said if I will let them. I sometimes think I need to do this all alone, that if I lean on someone else for support or ask for help I am weak and worthless. I don't believe that's true at all. My circle is made up of so many impressive, inspiring people why shouldn't I lean on them from time to time when I need encouragement, support, or help. I bet I could even talk to them about what's going on in my head and they wouldn't run screaming. Baby steps though, I'll start with realizing no one can do it for me, but they can support me when I need support.
About a month ago I got a promotion at work. It came completely out of the blue and stunned me. I went from cleaning machines in one store to cleaning the machines in four stores. I still don't know how I got tapped for this position, but I'm not arguing. The first couple of weeks I wanted to tell the director of operations I was wrong, I didn't want to do this after all. I bit my tongue, kept my head down, and slogged on. It has meant changes in my personal life, especially my training, but weekends off are pretty damn nice.
The hardest part has been losing my Tuesday small group training with Coach Tyler and getting to work with Paula, Bekah, Jo, and Cheryl. They all inspire and impress me and I miss them so much. I miss spinning too. I feel like it is time for me to spread my wings a little though. I have had to spend more time at Open Gym and I am learning to push myself just as much as if Coach T is there watching me. I still have my aEvolv classes and I think it's time to add in some HitFire or Movstrong workouts. Being confident means being real with where your weaknesses are and working on them, right?
On Christmas day I discovered I set some records at my first USPA meet. Vermont State records for my age group (Women Masters 45-49) in Squat, Bench Press, Deadlift, and Total. A Vermont state record for Women's Open (90kg+) for deadlift. My deadlift also set a National record for the Women Master's 45-49 group. At first I kind of brushed it off because USPA is new in Vermont. Then I stopped myself and realized that I still worked HARD for those records no one just handed them to me. I am proud of those 5 state records and one national record...and I plan to set more the next time I step on the USPA platform.
I am moving into 2020 with a focus and goals and a new word to guide me. Time to be confident that I am enough to move forward and achieve what I am meant to achieve. Time to be confident in asking for what I need, including asking for help.
Thanks for reading!
I have given my word for 2020 a lot of thought. It's a departure for me, but I have decided my word for 2020 will be CONFIDENT. It was a tough choice, I had other words in mind that wouldn't require so much of a stretch and departure from my comfort zone, but the truth is I'm not going to grow if I just hang out in my comfort zone. Time to pull up my big girl pants, screw up my courage and believe in my potential.
Yeah, it feels egotistical as hell to say I believe in my potential. How do I even know I have potential? Who am I to think I have not peaked? I'm 49 years old...I'm not wonder woman or supergirl or any sort of super hero at all. I am a bundle of nerves, insecurities, anxiety, and fear. So where did I come up with this idea that there is any more to me than is already on display for the world to see?
I blame my new fascination with podcasts. Yeah, I'm late to the discovery of podcasts. With a commute to work that is longer than 8 minutes three days a week I have plenty of time to listen. My current favorite is Stacy "Bama" Burr's "The Champion Mindset". I first became aware of her as a powerlifter, because I am always looking for women powerlifters to watch and follow. She was beyond a doubt a phenomenal powerlifter, the best in the world in fact, but she is an even more phenomenal speaker. I find when I listen to her and think about her points I get fired up. I don't want to just settle for status quo I really want to push and see where I can go. Professionally and personally I have decided it is time to feel a little more confidence in myself.
I'd like to think making confident my overarching theme for 2020 will encourage me to take a few risks, not to always play it safe. It will require me to believe in myself. I'm not saying I want to make foolish decisions, I just don't always want to take the easy path, the path of least resistance. I want to challenge myself when it is appropriate and possible. I don't think for one minute I will always succeed, but I hope the word confident will keep me pushing for more and striving to be better.
I don't think for one second that confident will be an easy word to carry with me through the coming year. I know there will be times the doubts will crowd in, my desire to be perfect will trip me up, and the road ahead will just look too daunting to navigate. That's okay, I'm not alone on this journey. I have to make the decision to keep going, but there are people standing by to support and encourage me if I will let them.
Yes, I said if I will let them. I sometimes think I need to do this all alone, that if I lean on someone else for support or ask for help I am weak and worthless. I don't believe that's true at all. My circle is made up of so many impressive, inspiring people why shouldn't I lean on them from time to time when I need encouragement, support, or help. I bet I could even talk to them about what's going on in my head and they wouldn't run screaming. Baby steps though, I'll start with realizing no one can do it for me, but they can support me when I need support.
About a month ago I got a promotion at work. It came completely out of the blue and stunned me. I went from cleaning machines in one store to cleaning the machines in four stores. I still don't know how I got tapped for this position, but I'm not arguing. The first couple of weeks I wanted to tell the director of operations I was wrong, I didn't want to do this after all. I bit my tongue, kept my head down, and slogged on. It has meant changes in my personal life, especially my training, but weekends off are pretty damn nice.
The hardest part has been losing my Tuesday small group training with Coach Tyler and getting to work with Paula, Bekah, Jo, and Cheryl. They all inspire and impress me and I miss them so much. I miss spinning too. I feel like it is time for me to spread my wings a little though. I have had to spend more time at Open Gym and I am learning to push myself just as much as if Coach T is there watching me. I still have my aEvolv classes and I think it's time to add in some HitFire or Movstrong workouts. Being confident means being real with where your weaknesses are and working on them, right?
On Christmas day I discovered I set some records at my first USPA meet. Vermont State records for my age group (Women Masters 45-49) in Squat, Bench Press, Deadlift, and Total. A Vermont state record for Women's Open (90kg+) for deadlift. My deadlift also set a National record for the Women Master's 45-49 group. At first I kind of brushed it off because USPA is new in Vermont. Then I stopped myself and realized that I still worked HARD for those records no one just handed them to me. I am proud of those 5 state records and one national record...and I plan to set more the next time I step on the USPA platform.
I am moving into 2020 with a focus and goals and a new word to guide me. Time to be confident that I am enough to move forward and achieve what I am meant to achieve. Time to be confident in asking for what I need, including asking for help.
Thanks for reading!
 |
| Wow... |
 |
| Seriously...wow |
 |
| If Miriam hadn't point this out to me I wouldn't have noticed. At the risk of being completely redundant: WOW |
Saturday, December 14, 2019
Dig Deep and Believe
Last Saturday, December 7 I competed in my eleventh powerlifting meet. I was trying out a new federation, USPA, and in a new venue, LiftVT. What an amazing weekend.
This meet was the first one where I actually felt confident. I felt like maybe I had what it takes to be a powerlifter. Never mind the hardware I have earned in previous meets, I just never felt like I was really a powerlifter. I felt like a fraud. I could analyze why that is, and I am sure some night when sleep won't come my mind will drag this up so I can overthink it for hours on end.
All I know is that on Saturday, December 7 I finally showed up for my own life. I left everything I had to give on the platform. I actually felt proud of what I did. I finally felt like an athlete.
Was it my best meet ever? In terms of a total, no. In terms of feeling calm, ready, and worthy: ABSOLUTELY.
My first squat went so well. I got to depth easily, remembered all my cues, and waited for the commands. I was in the game from that moment. I wasn't overthinking anything and letting my body do what it knows how to do. If only it had continued so well. Squat 2 felt heavy and I came out of the hole with a little too much power and my feet moved. UGH! Then squat 3 I didn't go quite deep enough and I am pretty sure I rushed that rack command. Ah well: I still had one good squat.
Bench press is my weakest lift and Saturday was no exception. My first bench was wonderful, it felt light, and I got all the commands. Attempts 2 and 3 weren't as good. On the third attempt I had my tension locked in, my feet pushing through the floor and I was gripping that bar like I was going to break it. I got off my chest and could not press up. My left shoulder is sore and I've been using it cautiously since the meet. I am not going to stop moving it, that will cause more problems than it will solve, but I am cautious. If something hurts I won't do it. I plan to sit down with my coach soon and put lots of accessory work into my program to make both shoulders stronger so I can build my bench press up.
The final lift of the day was deadlift. My absolute favorite lift, the one I felt most confident in. So confident that I had three choices for my third attempt: one super safe, one pretty safe, and a complete long shot. My first pull was 385#. An amount I know beyond the shadow of a doubt I can get to lockout. I wanted to make sure I had one successful lift even if it wasn't as heavy as I knew I could pull. For my second attempt I jumped to 440#. A 55# increase. I felt confident in it and when I asked Coach T2 to review my attempts he didn't object so I figured he thought I could do it too.
My third attempt I gave myself three choices: 451#, 457#, and a long shot: 463#. When I stepped up to the table to give my third attempt I decided to go for it. My friend and amazing videographer, Hailey, was thinking along the same lines and told me to go for it. I told them I wanted 210 kg (463#). I wanted to see if I could do it. No fear, no second thoughts, no playing it safe. I was going to put everything I had to give into that deadlift.
When I stepped on the platform to that bar I felt good. I felt confident. I felt like I was home. The inner critic was utterly silent and I heard my coach's voice in my head as I got my feet positioned and wrapped my fingers around the bar. I heard the words "Pull that bar" as clearly as if he was standing there watching. For a moment I thought that he hadn't seen my last deadlift PR of 450# and maybe I should have gone for 451# or 457# so he could see that. I don't claim to know him completely, but I felt pretty sure Coach Tyler would have encouraged me to go for 463# too.
I dug deep and mustered every bit of strength I had left, squeezed the bar, drove my feet through the floor, and pulled with everything I had. I wasn't successful with that deadlift, but I got it off the ground! I wasn't strong enough last Saturday to pull it, but I will be strong enough.
The best part of the meet was having my two biggest supporters/cheerleaders there with me. Nikki and Hailey have both been at all but one of my meets. For anyone who thinks I am an inspiration they need to meet these women. I adore them so much. For the first time I had family there too. My sister, nephew, a close friend, and my nephew's girlfriend were there. They got to see me do what I love. My sister was so impressed she has convinced my mother to come to my next meet. I even got to reconnect with someone I haven't seen in a long while. It was an amazing day.
I had a number of people approach me on Saturday to tell me I inspired them. A few even told me they stalked me on Facebook. I thanked them, but I was honestly mystified. I've decided that I am never likely to understand why others find me inspirational. I see the faults: the times I trip on flat surfaces, or the number of times in a workout I walk into the pegs where the plates hang. I am realizing I don't need to understand it, I should just be thankful and appreciative. Trust me I am both of those things.
What did I learn last Saturday?
1. It's time to believe in the woman in the mirror. I'm not perfect, but I work hard. It's time to believe that hard work is important and the woman I face in the mirror deserves my support.
2. It's okay to go for something you aren't one hundred percent sure about. It would have been wonderful to make all three of my deadlift attempts, but I believe I have a 463# pull in me, just not yet.
3. I am an athlete. I am a powerlifter. Powerlifting isn't the only sport out there. It certainly isn't the most important, but it is the sport I love.
4. Being a one-trick pony isn't something to be ashamed of. Being good at lifting heavy things up and putting them down is cool and I am proud of my talent in that area. Of course I need to work on my weaknesses and those things that are hard for me. I need to build up my endurance, my balance, and my flexibility. I need to put in the work to build the strongest foundation I can have.
5. I am enough. I always have been. my coach seems to believe in me. He supports me in every way he can. I really don't think he'd waste his valuable time programming for me, reviewing my attempts, or giving my hardware a home if he didn't believe in me.
6. The powerlifting community is amazing. Miriam, Michael, Donnah, Aja, Sara, Ally, Tony, Chaz, Jeremy and so many others were so kind, encouraging and inspiring. I am thankful to be part of this wonderful community. From refs and table help to fellow competitors it was a pleasure to be a part of it.
My total for the day was 909.4#. Not my best total for a meet, but of all the meets I have done it was the one I feel best about. Back to the drawing board with Coach Tyler to make me better for 2020. Let's do this!
Thanks for reading!
This meet was the first one where I actually felt confident. I felt like maybe I had what it takes to be a powerlifter. Never mind the hardware I have earned in previous meets, I just never felt like I was really a powerlifter. I felt like a fraud. I could analyze why that is, and I am sure some night when sleep won't come my mind will drag this up so I can overthink it for hours on end.
All I know is that on Saturday, December 7 I finally showed up for my own life. I left everything I had to give on the platform. I actually felt proud of what I did. I finally felt like an athlete.
Was it my best meet ever? In terms of a total, no. In terms of feeling calm, ready, and worthy: ABSOLUTELY.
My first squat went so well. I got to depth easily, remembered all my cues, and waited for the commands. I was in the game from that moment. I wasn't overthinking anything and letting my body do what it knows how to do. If only it had continued so well. Squat 2 felt heavy and I came out of the hole with a little too much power and my feet moved. UGH! Then squat 3 I didn't go quite deep enough and I am pretty sure I rushed that rack command. Ah well: I still had one good squat.
Bench press is my weakest lift and Saturday was no exception. My first bench was wonderful, it felt light, and I got all the commands. Attempts 2 and 3 weren't as good. On the third attempt I had my tension locked in, my feet pushing through the floor and I was gripping that bar like I was going to break it. I got off my chest and could not press up. My left shoulder is sore and I've been using it cautiously since the meet. I am not going to stop moving it, that will cause more problems than it will solve, but I am cautious. If something hurts I won't do it. I plan to sit down with my coach soon and put lots of accessory work into my program to make both shoulders stronger so I can build my bench press up.
The final lift of the day was deadlift. My absolute favorite lift, the one I felt most confident in. So confident that I had three choices for my third attempt: one super safe, one pretty safe, and a complete long shot. My first pull was 385#. An amount I know beyond the shadow of a doubt I can get to lockout. I wanted to make sure I had one successful lift even if it wasn't as heavy as I knew I could pull. For my second attempt I jumped to 440#. A 55# increase. I felt confident in it and when I asked Coach T2 to review my attempts he didn't object so I figured he thought I could do it too.
My third attempt I gave myself three choices: 451#, 457#, and a long shot: 463#. When I stepped up to the table to give my third attempt I decided to go for it. My friend and amazing videographer, Hailey, was thinking along the same lines and told me to go for it. I told them I wanted 210 kg (463#). I wanted to see if I could do it. No fear, no second thoughts, no playing it safe. I was going to put everything I had to give into that deadlift.
When I stepped on the platform to that bar I felt good. I felt confident. I felt like I was home. The inner critic was utterly silent and I heard my coach's voice in my head as I got my feet positioned and wrapped my fingers around the bar. I heard the words "Pull that bar" as clearly as if he was standing there watching. For a moment I thought that he hadn't seen my last deadlift PR of 450# and maybe I should have gone for 451# or 457# so he could see that. I don't claim to know him completely, but I felt pretty sure Coach Tyler would have encouraged me to go for 463# too.
I dug deep and mustered every bit of strength I had left, squeezed the bar, drove my feet through the floor, and pulled with everything I had. I wasn't successful with that deadlift, but I got it off the ground! I wasn't strong enough last Saturday to pull it, but I will be strong enough.
The best part of the meet was having my two biggest supporters/cheerleaders there with me. Nikki and Hailey have both been at all but one of my meets. For anyone who thinks I am an inspiration they need to meet these women. I adore them so much. For the first time I had family there too. My sister, nephew, a close friend, and my nephew's girlfriend were there. They got to see me do what I love. My sister was so impressed she has convinced my mother to come to my next meet. I even got to reconnect with someone I haven't seen in a long while. It was an amazing day.
I had a number of people approach me on Saturday to tell me I inspired them. A few even told me they stalked me on Facebook. I thanked them, but I was honestly mystified. I've decided that I am never likely to understand why others find me inspirational. I see the faults: the times I trip on flat surfaces, or the number of times in a workout I walk into the pegs where the plates hang. I am realizing I don't need to understand it, I should just be thankful and appreciative. Trust me I am both of those things.
What did I learn last Saturday?
1. It's time to believe in the woman in the mirror. I'm not perfect, but I work hard. It's time to believe that hard work is important and the woman I face in the mirror deserves my support.
2. It's okay to go for something you aren't one hundred percent sure about. It would have been wonderful to make all three of my deadlift attempts, but I believe I have a 463# pull in me, just not yet.
3. I am an athlete. I am a powerlifter. Powerlifting isn't the only sport out there. It certainly isn't the most important, but it is the sport I love.
4. Being a one-trick pony isn't something to be ashamed of. Being good at lifting heavy things up and putting them down is cool and I am proud of my talent in that area. Of course I need to work on my weaknesses and those things that are hard for me. I need to build up my endurance, my balance, and my flexibility. I need to put in the work to build the strongest foundation I can have.
5. I am enough. I always have been. my coach seems to believe in me. He supports me in every way he can. I really don't think he'd waste his valuable time programming for me, reviewing my attempts, or giving my hardware a home if he didn't believe in me.
6. The powerlifting community is amazing. Miriam, Michael, Donnah, Aja, Sara, Ally, Tony, Chaz, Jeremy and so many others were so kind, encouraging and inspiring. I am thankful to be part of this wonderful community. From refs and table help to fellow competitors it was a pleasure to be a part of it.
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| My new hardware: 2nd place in my weight class (red ribbon) and 1st place in my age class (blue ribbon) |
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| Left to right- Kriss, Col, Me, Bran, Anna. Thanks so much for coming guys! Love you!! |
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| These women. Hailey and Nikki: you are my inspiration. Love you both. |
My total for the day was 909.4#. Not my best total for a meet, but of all the meets I have done it was the one I feel best about. Back to the drawing board with Coach Tyler to make me better for 2020. Let's do this!
Thanks for reading!
Tuesday, September 3, 2019
What it Takes
I feel like I should warn you in advance that this post might ramble more than usual. I've been thinking about what I'm about to write the majority of the summer. I'm still not sure if I am one hundred percent clear on every point, but this forum is my place to put it out there. Maybe it will resonate with other people, maybe it will make you question my sanity. Either way I will be as honest and coherent as I know how to be. I do hope, if nothing else, I will be entertaining.
The question that has run through my mind in one form or another for a long while now is pretty simple.
WHY IN THE HELL DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?!?!?
This, of course, refers to powerlifting. I don't for one minute consider myself anything special, most days I'm not even sure I consider myself an athlete. I work for what I want and I work hard. The last training cycle I worked after dropping bumper plates on my toe, through the death of a beloved pet, and through hip discomfort that made me wonder if there was something seriously wrong.
As for the not feeling like an athlete part what can I say, sometimes I get dumb and fall into comparing myself to runners, wrestlers, body builders and I don't feel I come close to measuring up. I shake it off, but I'd be a liar if I didn't tell you I fall into that trap far too often. I see them as athletes, myself not so much.
What powerlifting takes, at least for me, is everything I have to give. If I am being honest it should take more than I have to give sometimes, because I am not above digging in my heels and not giving one hundred percent to the work I don't want to do. I understand my reluctance and digging in my heels has to stop if I want to be the best I can be. To that end I have started adding work that is super hard for me to every open gym session. I know I won't improve overnight, but I am going to put in the work.
Powerlifting takes a lot more confidence than I have in myself and my abilities. My awesome friend/videographer/moral support/handler commented after Regionals that I was the calmest and happiest she had ever seen me at a meet. I may not have a lot of self-confidence, but I recognize that I have worked hard and all the worry in the world isn't going to make my performance better. I have come to realize that I need to trust my training and rein in the catastrophic thoughts running through my brain.
Powerlifting might look easy on the surface, something it would seem like anyone could do. I agree with that on a basic level. Almost anyone can learn to squat, bench press, and deadlift. To perform those lifts well, to be competitive, takes time, hard work, discipline, and perseverance. The amount of work put in by people like Stacy Burr, Marisa Inda, Stefi Cohen, Mark Bell, anyone at Westside Barbell to name a few is jaw dropping. I belong to several powerlifting groups and the people in them are phenomenal: they make the lifts look easy. The thing to remember is that to make it look easy you have to put in hours upon hours of work year after year. There are times the work is awful, a grind that will take every ounce of discipline you have to get through. Then the times I live for, the times I hope come during a competition when the bar feels light and explodes up with no issues. If you think powerlifting is easy and you can just pick up a barbell and be proficient I would like to suggest you watch "Westside Vs. The World" (you can find it on Netflix) to see what it takes.
I have been told I make the lifts look easy. I can assure you they never feel easy. There are so many cues to remember to be sure each lift is as close to perfect as I can make them. The problem is that due to the amount of time I have put into practicing my muscles know what to do. There are times, often in competition, when my mind gets the best of me and won't let my body just do what it knows to do. I get "stuck in my head". In fact one of my mantras while I wait for my turn on the platform is "get out of your head". One of these days I hope to be successful in that endeavor.
Powerlifting is my passion and I love it. I can probably sum up my previous ramblings much more succinctly.... and if I had thought of that before now I could have saved you a lot of time. That's me: if there's an easier way to do something be sure to do it the hard way anyway.
Let's see:
1. Powerlifting takes all you have to give.
2. Powerlifting may look easy when you watch a competition, but you aren't seeing the hours, days, weeks, months, and years of hard work that went into the lifts you see.
3. The work needs to be done no matter how you feel. I know this isn't unique to powerlifting.
4. Don't overthink.
Reading back over this list I guess this applies to life in general, not just sports. Huh, maybe I am smarter than I think...
Thanks for reading!
The question that has run through my mind in one form or another for a long while now is pretty simple.
WHY IN THE HELL DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?!?!?
This, of course, refers to powerlifting. I don't for one minute consider myself anything special, most days I'm not even sure I consider myself an athlete. I work for what I want and I work hard. The last training cycle I worked after dropping bumper plates on my toe, through the death of a beloved pet, and through hip discomfort that made me wonder if there was something seriously wrong.
As for the not feeling like an athlete part what can I say, sometimes I get dumb and fall into comparing myself to runners, wrestlers, body builders and I don't feel I come close to measuring up. I shake it off, but I'd be a liar if I didn't tell you I fall into that trap far too often. I see them as athletes, myself not so much.
What powerlifting takes, at least for me, is everything I have to give. If I am being honest it should take more than I have to give sometimes, because I am not above digging in my heels and not giving one hundred percent to the work I don't want to do. I understand my reluctance and digging in my heels has to stop if I want to be the best I can be. To that end I have started adding work that is super hard for me to every open gym session. I know I won't improve overnight, but I am going to put in the work.
Powerlifting takes a lot more confidence than I have in myself and my abilities. My awesome friend/videographer/moral support/handler commented after Regionals that I was the calmest and happiest she had ever seen me at a meet. I may not have a lot of self-confidence, but I recognize that I have worked hard and all the worry in the world isn't going to make my performance better. I have come to realize that I need to trust my training and rein in the catastrophic thoughts running through my brain.
Powerlifting might look easy on the surface, something it would seem like anyone could do. I agree with that on a basic level. Almost anyone can learn to squat, bench press, and deadlift. To perform those lifts well, to be competitive, takes time, hard work, discipline, and perseverance. The amount of work put in by people like Stacy Burr, Marisa Inda, Stefi Cohen, Mark Bell, anyone at Westside Barbell to name a few is jaw dropping. I belong to several powerlifting groups and the people in them are phenomenal: they make the lifts look easy. The thing to remember is that to make it look easy you have to put in hours upon hours of work year after year. There are times the work is awful, a grind that will take every ounce of discipline you have to get through. Then the times I live for, the times I hope come during a competition when the bar feels light and explodes up with no issues. If you think powerlifting is easy and you can just pick up a barbell and be proficient I would like to suggest you watch "Westside Vs. The World" (you can find it on Netflix) to see what it takes.
I have been told I make the lifts look easy. I can assure you they never feel easy. There are so many cues to remember to be sure each lift is as close to perfect as I can make them. The problem is that due to the amount of time I have put into practicing my muscles know what to do. There are times, often in competition, when my mind gets the best of me and won't let my body just do what it knows to do. I get "stuck in my head". In fact one of my mantras while I wait for my turn on the platform is "get out of your head". One of these days I hope to be successful in that endeavor.
Powerlifting is my passion and I love it. I can probably sum up my previous ramblings much more succinctly.... and if I had thought of that before now I could have saved you a lot of time. That's me: if there's an easier way to do something be sure to do it the hard way anyway.
Let's see:
1. Powerlifting takes all you have to give.
2. Powerlifting may look easy when you watch a competition, but you aren't seeing the hours, days, weeks, months, and years of hard work that went into the lifts you see.
3. The work needs to be done no matter how you feel. I know this isn't unique to powerlifting.
4. Don't overthink.
Reading back over this list I guess this applies to life in general, not just sports. Huh, maybe I am smarter than I think...
 |
| This is on the wall at my happy place. I read it continuously when I don't want to do the work. #noquit |
Thanks for reading!
Saturday, August 10, 2019
USA Powerlifting Northeast Regional Championships-Take Three
My tenth trip to the platform was on July 28, 2019 at Mohegan Sun Casino in Uncasville, Connecticut. I was coming off a week's vacation. This was my 7th time on a USA Powerlifting platform facing my biggest competition: the woman in the mirror every day. She's relentless, she knows every weakness, and she knows exactly what to say to make me doubt my training and abilities.
She almost had me too. My first two squats weren't to depth. I got inside my head and worried whether or not I would hit depth. Before my third attempt I asked the USA Powerlifting official who was telling us when it was time to go on the platform if I could continue the meet if I failed my last squat. She said of course I could, but I wouldn't get a total for the meet. Then she asked if she could give me some advice. She told me I needed to get out of my head, that my body knew exactly what it needed to do and my overthinking was getting in the way of that. She told me not to think, to trust my training, trust my body and just do it.
I stepped on the platform, I got under the bar and silently snarled at the nasty bitch in my head to shut up. I wanted a total for the meet and I was going to get one. I don't know that my last squat was picture perfect, but I got 2 out of 3 white lights so it was a good lift. I was in the meet, finally. I was in the game.
Bench Press was next. My first two lifts were good, my last I couldn't get to lockout. It was 180 pounds, something I've pressed in the gym with no problem. I know what the issue was. I lost tension while I was waiting for the press command. To fix that I plan to train with the commands every time I bench. There will be a pause on my chest, I will learn to keep the tension until I get the press command. I have learned to use leg drive, I will learn to keep the tension and I will improve my bench press.
Deadlift was up next. This was the time I had been waiting for. I have worked so hard on my deadlift. So many cues to keep in mind: shoulders' back, start pulling the bar at midfoot, take the slack out of the bar before I pull, sit back on my heels, push the ground away, and pull that bar. I could almost hear Coach T2's voice in my head yelling the last one, just like he did when I pulled 405# for the first time at Pride. My first deadlift was a good lift. I'd done it: I'd finally put everything together and fixed my deadlift. My second deadlift felt good too and I had a decision to make for my third attempt. Was I going to ignore my tight back and go for 451# and possibly hit the goal I wanted to hit in May before Coach Brandon moved or would I be reasonable and go for a meet PR of 440#? I decided on the meet PR. I have another meet in December and then it will be time to throw caution to the wind and see where it leads.
My total for the meet was 953#...I am only 47 pounds from hitting 1000 pounds in a meet. So close and it will be mine. A few pounds added to my deadlift, a few pounds added to my squat and a few pounds added to my bench press and I will have it. It is only a number, one thousand pounds, but it is a number I have dreamed of and worked toward for a long time. Ever since the first time I stepped onto a platform in November 2015 I have wanted that number to be mine.
Will it make me more worthy? No, I have always been worthy. Will I suddenly trust my training and abilities? Probably not, that's a battle that won't be easily won, but one I won't ever stop fighting. What it will do is help me to realize that if I set my mind to something and if I give my best effort I can meet any goal. And...I kind of think it will make my coach proud and let's face it...as a former teacher's pet making the coach proud does matter to me. Even more importantly though it will make ME proud.
Were there lessons I learned at this meet? Of course. Let's see if I can frame some of them in a coherent fashion for anyone who has ventured to read this far.
1. "Whatever it takes" is a promise to myself as much as a promise to a coach. When I told Coach Collins I was committed whatever it takes I didn't truly realize what that meant. I have discovered it means training when I am tired, sore, grieving, so angry I can't see straight, and when I am afraid. It means trusting and being open with my coach when it would be much easier to put up the walls and retreat. It means giving the same effort to working on my weaknesses as I do to my big 3.
2. I have an amazing support crew. Why would anyone give up a weekend relaxing to sit in a heavily air conditioned room, in pretty uncomfortable chairs to watch me lift for a grand total of about 15 minutes? I guess they like me...really, really like me.
3. My coach is incredible. There have been times leading up to my meet when I wondered if he was tired of me. If he wished he'd given up on me or told me to walk away. I have no idea the pressures and stresses he faces and yet he trains me, he listens to me, and he is genuinely happy when I succeed. I think he even kind of enjoys seeing me...when I am not being a complete pain in his ass.
4. A gold medal is nice, but spending time with friends is even better. I had a weekend with people I adore. I got to spend my time at the meet with people who were so kind and supportive behind the scenes. I worked hard for that medal, I am thrilled with it, but the relationships are the real prize.
5. Nothing about powerlifting is easy and I am completely addicted.
Now that I've processed this meet it is time to get back to training and improving so I can be even better in December.
Here are a few pics before I let you get back to your lives.
Thanks for reading!
She almost had me too. My first two squats weren't to depth. I got inside my head and worried whether or not I would hit depth. Before my third attempt I asked the USA Powerlifting official who was telling us when it was time to go on the platform if I could continue the meet if I failed my last squat. She said of course I could, but I wouldn't get a total for the meet. Then she asked if she could give me some advice. She told me I needed to get out of my head, that my body knew exactly what it needed to do and my overthinking was getting in the way of that. She told me not to think, to trust my training, trust my body and just do it.
I stepped on the platform, I got under the bar and silently snarled at the nasty bitch in my head to shut up. I wanted a total for the meet and I was going to get one. I don't know that my last squat was picture perfect, but I got 2 out of 3 white lights so it was a good lift. I was in the meet, finally. I was in the game.
Bench Press was next. My first two lifts were good, my last I couldn't get to lockout. It was 180 pounds, something I've pressed in the gym with no problem. I know what the issue was. I lost tension while I was waiting for the press command. To fix that I plan to train with the commands every time I bench. There will be a pause on my chest, I will learn to keep the tension until I get the press command. I have learned to use leg drive, I will learn to keep the tension and I will improve my bench press.
Deadlift was up next. This was the time I had been waiting for. I have worked so hard on my deadlift. So many cues to keep in mind: shoulders' back, start pulling the bar at midfoot, take the slack out of the bar before I pull, sit back on my heels, push the ground away, and pull that bar. I could almost hear Coach T2's voice in my head yelling the last one, just like he did when I pulled 405# for the first time at Pride. My first deadlift was a good lift. I'd done it: I'd finally put everything together and fixed my deadlift. My second deadlift felt good too and I had a decision to make for my third attempt. Was I going to ignore my tight back and go for 451# and possibly hit the goal I wanted to hit in May before Coach Brandon moved or would I be reasonable and go for a meet PR of 440#? I decided on the meet PR. I have another meet in December and then it will be time to throw caution to the wind and see where it leads.
My total for the meet was 953#...I am only 47 pounds from hitting 1000 pounds in a meet. So close and it will be mine. A few pounds added to my deadlift, a few pounds added to my squat and a few pounds added to my bench press and I will have it. It is only a number, one thousand pounds, but it is a number I have dreamed of and worked toward for a long time. Ever since the first time I stepped onto a platform in November 2015 I have wanted that number to be mine.
Will it make me more worthy? No, I have always been worthy. Will I suddenly trust my training and abilities? Probably not, that's a battle that won't be easily won, but one I won't ever stop fighting. What it will do is help me to realize that if I set my mind to something and if I give my best effort I can meet any goal. And...I kind of think it will make my coach proud and let's face it...as a former teacher's pet making the coach proud does matter to me. Even more importantly though it will make ME proud.
Were there lessons I learned at this meet? Of course. Let's see if I can frame some of them in a coherent fashion for anyone who has ventured to read this far.
1. "Whatever it takes" is a promise to myself as much as a promise to a coach. When I told Coach Collins I was committed whatever it takes I didn't truly realize what that meant. I have discovered it means training when I am tired, sore, grieving, so angry I can't see straight, and when I am afraid. It means trusting and being open with my coach when it would be much easier to put up the walls and retreat. It means giving the same effort to working on my weaknesses as I do to my big 3.
2. I have an amazing support crew. Why would anyone give up a weekend relaxing to sit in a heavily air conditioned room, in pretty uncomfortable chairs to watch me lift for a grand total of about 15 minutes? I guess they like me...really, really like me.
3. My coach is incredible. There have been times leading up to my meet when I wondered if he was tired of me. If he wished he'd given up on me or told me to walk away. I have no idea the pressures and stresses he faces and yet he trains me, he listens to me, and he is genuinely happy when I succeed. I think he even kind of enjoys seeing me...when I am not being a complete pain in his ass.
4. A gold medal is nice, but spending time with friends is even better. I had a weekend with people I adore. I got to spend my time at the meet with people who were so kind and supportive behind the scenes. I worked hard for that medal, I am thrilled with it, but the relationships are the real prize.
5. Nothing about powerlifting is easy and I am completely addicted.
Now that I've processed this meet it is time to get back to training and improving so I can be even better in December.
Here are a few pics before I let you get back to your lives.
 |
| Hailey: videographer extraordinaire and one of my favorite people of ALL times. |
 |
| Celebrating with Coach T2. |
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| Support crew Regionals 2019. Some of my most favorite people |
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| Gold for my age group. Not too shabby. |
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| My business face. Getting that deadlift to lockout. |
Thursday, May 16, 2019
Impostor
Some people have told me they love reading my blog: they like how honest I am.
Well brace yourself: I'm about to be honest. Or whiny...I'll let you decide.
I've been struggling lately. On the surface all seems okay: I have adjusted to my job as a manager...most days I don't drive home in tears or wish I could crawl under a rock and hide. My workouts are going well, the tweaked shoulders and right hip are getting better. I should be feeling pretty darn good.
Inn reality I feel the same as I always have: I feel like a fraud. A complete and utter fraud. The feeling has a name: Impostor Syndrome. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for my boss to decide I don't have what it takes. Waiting for my coach to look at me and decide he's wasted too much valuable time on me and tell me I need to move on. To be clear neither my boss or my coach have given any indication they feel that way. Professionally and fitness-wise there are absolutely things I need to work on, but other than me, no one seems to think I can't do the work and improve.
I've always felt like a fraud. Going through college, working on my Master's degree, teaching: I was never comfortable. I never felt like I was "enough". Sometimes it is a wonder to me I had the courage to fill out the application for the Biggest Mooser competition. Obviously, despite the nagging doubt, there is a part of me that knows I am so much more than I think I am.
Powerlifting is my passion, no surprise there. I spend hours thinking about, reading about, and practicing my technique. yet when I step on the platform I am terrified. I have no idea why I am putting myself through the stress. I am still in awe that there is a group of people who support me enough to take time out of their busy lives to haul my ass and more gear than you can imagine to meets. The closest meets have been in Burlington...so these amazing people have invested many, many hours in me.
Maybe this feeling of being a fraud wouldn't be quite so strong if I would pick heroes who aren't quite so super. At work my heroes don't seem to flinch no matter what they are asked to do: work in grill, run the floor during the day, anything and they do it well.
I've mentioned my other hero many times. Nothing like deciding your hero should be someone whose skill level far exceeds anything you could dream of. I don't think I've ever seen anything he can't do. At least I am slowly, painfully slowly,becoming aware that it is fine to look up to Coach T2, but I can't compare my ability to his. I won't ever measure up to that bar, and that's okay. I think all he asks from me is that I give him my best.
I do know my current struggles are on me. I dislike change, probably not a wise choice for my word in 2019. I have the tools to get past these struggles and I will get past them: there isn't any other option, unless I'm planning to give up and if I didn't give up in 2017 I sure as HELL am not giving up now. My circle has gotten smaller, but it is strong.
I may wonder if I have the skills to succeed at work and in the gym, but I won't stop. Whatever it takes there is no quit. Bear with me while I work through the muck and mire. I will come out of it.
Thank you for reading!
Well brace yourself: I'm about to be honest. Or whiny...I'll let you decide.
I've been struggling lately. On the surface all seems okay: I have adjusted to my job as a manager...most days I don't drive home in tears or wish I could crawl under a rock and hide. My workouts are going well, the tweaked shoulders and right hip are getting better. I should be feeling pretty darn good.
Inn reality I feel the same as I always have: I feel like a fraud. A complete and utter fraud. The feeling has a name: Impostor Syndrome. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for my boss to decide I don't have what it takes. Waiting for my coach to look at me and decide he's wasted too much valuable time on me and tell me I need to move on. To be clear neither my boss or my coach have given any indication they feel that way. Professionally and fitness-wise there are absolutely things I need to work on, but other than me, no one seems to think I can't do the work and improve.
I've always felt like a fraud. Going through college, working on my Master's degree, teaching: I was never comfortable. I never felt like I was "enough". Sometimes it is a wonder to me I had the courage to fill out the application for the Biggest Mooser competition. Obviously, despite the nagging doubt, there is a part of me that knows I am so much more than I think I am.
Powerlifting is my passion, no surprise there. I spend hours thinking about, reading about, and practicing my technique. yet when I step on the platform I am terrified. I have no idea why I am putting myself through the stress. I am still in awe that there is a group of people who support me enough to take time out of their busy lives to haul my ass and more gear than you can imagine to meets. The closest meets have been in Burlington...so these amazing people have invested many, many hours in me.
Maybe this feeling of being a fraud wouldn't be quite so strong if I would pick heroes who aren't quite so super. At work my heroes don't seem to flinch no matter what they are asked to do: work in grill, run the floor during the day, anything and they do it well.
 |
| The Asylum. Pride Fitness Performance. This is my happy place. I can quiet the doubts here, at least briefly. |
I've mentioned my other hero many times. Nothing like deciding your hero should be someone whose skill level far exceeds anything you could dream of. I don't think I've ever seen anything he can't do. At least I am slowly, painfully slowly,becoming aware that it is fine to look up to Coach T2, but I can't compare my ability to his. I won't ever measure up to that bar, and that's okay. I think all he asks from me is that I give him my best.
I do know my current struggles are on me. I dislike change, probably not a wise choice for my word in 2019. I have the tools to get past these struggles and I will get past them: there isn't any other option, unless I'm planning to give up and if I didn't give up in 2017 I sure as HELL am not giving up now. My circle has gotten smaller, but it is strong.
I may wonder if I have the skills to succeed at work and in the gym, but I won't stop. Whatever it takes there is no quit. Bear with me while I work through the muck and mire. I will come out of it.
Thank you for reading!
Tuesday, February 26, 2019
Whatever It Takes- part 2
A little more than a year ago, a year and 2 days to be exact, I had a conversation that changed the way I looked at many things in my life. Coach Collins was gracious enough to take the time to explain how he thinks of levels of commitment with me. I will freely admit I didn't go into that discussion with the most open of minds. I had gotten my feelings hurt, my back was up, and honestly I went into it ready to be as childish, nasty, and just plain mean as I was capable of being. In spite of myself I found what he had to say thought provoking and it altered the way I view my passion.
On my own, in the past few days I have been thinking about the concept of "whatever it takes" more. Whatever it takes means no matter the sacrifice I am one hundred percent in. I've also come to the realization that whatever it takes also means that I need to take responsibility. No one, no matter how much they think of me or care about me can do any of this for me. I am solely responsible for this journey.
This thought really started nagging at me during Muscle Hour on Monday evening. Coach Brandon and I were talking a bit about nutrition and I said I wanted to be stronger. He said something along the lines of making my nutrition match my goal. I want to be leaner, but at the moment if strength is my goal I need to change up the way I do things. I'm not saying I can't get leaner and stronger, I just need to research the subject and develop a plan to keep from getting fluffier while not losing my strength. At the end of the day I will be in the weight class I am in when I weigh in and that doesn't make me any more or less worthy.
Coach B said something profound, in my mind at least. He said it is important to be proud of yourself, of your body and what it can do. I thought about it and in the past seven years I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I have been truly without reservation proud of this body and what it can do. That feels kind of sad. I can pull 430 pounds from the floor. I can load a barbell with 375 pounds, squat to below parallel and come back up with it. Those are things to be proud of.
I am about four months out from my next trip to the platform at the USA Powerlifting Northeast Regional Championships. That sounds like a lot of time, but it isn't. There is so much I want to accomplish before I stand on the platform with three judges watching me. So many things I want to perfect. I want my technique to be as automatic as breathing. I want to have bulletproof shoulders. I want a 500 pound deadlift and a 400 pound squat. That means I have a ton of work to do between now and then.
Notice I said I have a ton of work to do. My coaches can write the programs, give critiques and advice, but the work falls on me. I am sure both my coaches want to see me succeed, but they can't do it for me. They can have all the faith and confidence in me in the world, but if I don't believe in myself and have confidence in what I can do it won't do any good. If I could bring Coach T2 and Coach B onto the platform with me I would. In the end it will be me and the loaded barbell.
Whatever it takes is not just my level of commitment. It is also how willing I am to take responsibility and do the work. I can have the best program in the world, but if I half-ass it the results will be exactly what I deserve. I can know what I need to do to make sure my nutrition is supporting the work I do in the gym, but I also have to do it.
It all comes down to me. Am I willing to half-ass it and see what happens or am I going to focus, buckle down and do the work? I am committed to this journey whatever it takes. I may never understand why people find me inspirational or why I was chosen as Queen of the Pride, but I do understand how blessed I am to have the opportunities I do. I understand it is my responsibility to make the most of my blessings.
I am ready. Let's do this. Whatever it takes.
Thanks for reading!
On my own, in the past few days I have been thinking about the concept of "whatever it takes" more. Whatever it takes means no matter the sacrifice I am one hundred percent in. I've also come to the realization that whatever it takes also means that I need to take responsibility. No one, no matter how much they think of me or care about me can do any of this for me. I am solely responsible for this journey.
This thought really started nagging at me during Muscle Hour on Monday evening. Coach Brandon and I were talking a bit about nutrition and I said I wanted to be stronger. He said something along the lines of making my nutrition match my goal. I want to be leaner, but at the moment if strength is my goal I need to change up the way I do things. I'm not saying I can't get leaner and stronger, I just need to research the subject and develop a plan to keep from getting fluffier while not losing my strength. At the end of the day I will be in the weight class I am in when I weigh in and that doesn't make me any more or less worthy.
Coach B said something profound, in my mind at least. He said it is important to be proud of yourself, of your body and what it can do. I thought about it and in the past seven years I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I have been truly without reservation proud of this body and what it can do. That feels kind of sad. I can pull 430 pounds from the floor. I can load a barbell with 375 pounds, squat to below parallel and come back up with it. Those are things to be proud of.
I am about four months out from my next trip to the platform at the USA Powerlifting Northeast Regional Championships. That sounds like a lot of time, but it isn't. There is so much I want to accomplish before I stand on the platform with three judges watching me. So many things I want to perfect. I want my technique to be as automatic as breathing. I want to have bulletproof shoulders. I want a 500 pound deadlift and a 400 pound squat. That means I have a ton of work to do between now and then.
Notice I said I have a ton of work to do. My coaches can write the programs, give critiques and advice, but the work falls on me. I am sure both my coaches want to see me succeed, but they can't do it for me. They can have all the faith and confidence in me in the world, but if I don't believe in myself and have confidence in what I can do it won't do any good. If I could bring Coach T2 and Coach B onto the platform with me I would. In the end it will be me and the loaded barbell.
Whatever it takes is not just my level of commitment. It is also how willing I am to take responsibility and do the work. I can have the best program in the world, but if I half-ass it the results will be exactly what I deserve. I can know what I need to do to make sure my nutrition is supporting the work I do in the gym, but I also have to do it.
It all comes down to me. Am I willing to half-ass it and see what happens or am I going to focus, buckle down and do the work? I am committed to this journey whatever it takes. I may never understand why people find me inspirational or why I was chosen as Queen of the Pride, but I do understand how blessed I am to have the opportunities I do. I understand it is my responsibility to make the most of my blessings.
I am ready. Let's do this. Whatever it takes.
Thanks for reading!
Thursday, February 7, 2019
No Quit Here
This banner showed up at my happy place, Pride Fitness Performance, several weeks ago. It is quite near my favorite rack for squatting, and bench press. I don't think that was intentional, but I have spent a lot of time looking at it and pondering it since it was put up. Yes, I am overthinking. Yes, I know it won't do any good. No, I don't have plans to stop.
Tonight I had the opportunity to read and ponder it for several minutes while I was rolling out the arches of my feet and my calves before beginning my main workout: Back & Balance. The back part made me happy: a stronger back means bigger lifts after all. The balance part made me feel mostly ambivalent. Then I read this banner. It was my choice. The whole workout was my choice: I could give it my all...or I could give up before I even started. I trust my coach, I know he's never going to ask me to do something I can't do so I decided it was time to give it my all and see what happened.
I would like to add that it's a good thing I didn't know what the balance work was before I made up my mind.
Bulgarian Split squats are hard enough with one foot on a bench and the other on the floor...putting one foot on a band adds even more instability. Then I turned to the side and did squats with one leg still in the band. I was skeptical while Coach T2 demonstrated it and not much more confident when he handed me a PVC pipe to hold onto for help with balance. My first round was painful...it took me 20 minutes to complete 4 Bulgarian split squats on each leg and 4 lateral squats on each leg. Round 2 was better and it only took 12 minutes. I'm not sure how long Round 3 took, but I know it was my best round.
So many things went through my mind during round 1. I was scared because I didn't want to fall. I was frustrated because it was hard and I didn't think it should be that hard for me. I was worried too...I knew I was taking forever. I did finish the first round of balance work and went on to the back work. Then a break before round 2.
Round 2 I got lots of cues from Coach T2. He reminded me to focus, to block out everything going on around me. That's always been my problem on the platform: I don't block things out well. Even with the audience all fuzzy because I won't wear my glasses or contacts I am still hyper aware of every person in the room. Tonight I learned just how well it works when I can focus solely on my body and my breathing. I wasn't perfect, but I was so much better. I was able to at least partially block out someone reracking their plates and clips, Coach B coming into the Asylum ad watching what I was doing for a bit. The only thing I let filter in was Coach T2's voice.
Round 3 was my best round by far. It didn't even feel like the same movements. I found my zone, I blocked out everything around me, I finally got my breathing figured out, and with a few wobbles I got it done.
You just spent a long time reading descriptions of a workout you may or may not care at all about. It might not sound important to you, but for me it was HUGE. There were so many take aways from this workout. Let's see if I can put a few into words.
1. When I think I can't, I can't: Earth shaking right? Disheartening certainly, but not a surprise.
2. Focusing on the task in front of me and nothing else is key: As I've mentioned before I've reached a point in my training where PRs don't happen as often. Now my work revolves around refining my technique...and as I discovered tonight, mental training. All the ability in the world won't do me much good if I can't get it together mentally.
3. When I believe in myself I can accomplish amazing things: My coach believed in me today. He planned a workout that would challenge me, but he didn't think it was beyond my ability. It's kind of hard to doubt yourself in the face of that kind of faith.
2019 is the year I am going to work on believing in myself and cutting myself slack when needed. No more comments to myself that I wouldn't make to my worst enemy. I will give my all, if I fail I will learn from it and come back to whatever it is and do better the next time. I will learn from the experts in my life, I will read, I will research. I will take responsibility for my success.
Most importantly I am going to stop comparing myself to others. I have my own strengths and gifts and I am not any less than anyone else. I am working on my body, but I am pretty sure I will never look in a mirror and confuse myself with a super model. I am a work in progress. In the meantime I am still worthwhile, I am still enough.
Well Coach T2, you said there might be a blog post in the work I did tonight. You were right.
Thanks for reading!
Tuesday, January 22, 2019
Change, Grace, and Mercy
No surprise here, but I'd like to be perfect. Even if only for a few moments I'd like to know what it feels like to get it right.
It's a nice dream, a wonderful fantasy and I know that. Despite appearances and actions to the contrary I am an intelligent woman. What I am not is kind, at least not to myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not always kind to others, but more often than not I try to extend mercy and grace to others. I will go out of my way to help others.
Again for 2019 I picked a word instead of writing resolutions. I have goals, make no mistake about that, goals I have every intention of meeting, but I also have a word to help guide me. I picked change.
I don't like change, I have never liked change. I have come to the conclusion however that like it or not change is going to come and the harder I fight it the worse it seems. It's taken me time, but I have decided to stop fighting it. If something is going to change my life that will happen whether I fight it or accept it. It might be easier if I just accept the changes. We'll see how that goes, I'm pretty sure there will be plenty of tests of my resolve.
Another thing I want to work on is how I treat myself. I'm sure all of us can say that we're our own harshest critics, but in my case it is so true. I can finish a workout, get a fist bump for the effort I put in and still find fault with my performance. It makes no rational sense and I know it, but I obsessively look for my flaws. Seriously, if I am getting a fist bump and a "good work" from Coach T2 there is nothing I need to pick apart. He has never, and will never praise me when I'm half-assing a workout. I know he knows more about fitness than I do. Shouldn't I be taking his word at face value and not letting my inner critic weigh in?
Don't think it's just in the realm of fitness that I am so harsh with myself. I maintain I am NOT a leader, not someone who should be trying to be a "boss". I am a follower, a very happy follower and I will do what I am asked when I am asked. Since September I have been a manager. I have been told I am doing a good job. I try to do what's expected to the best of my ability. I do understand there will be those days when things just don't go well and there isn't one single thing that made it hard. No one enjoys those days and I think it's pretty typical and common to wonder why you're doing what you're doing when those days pop up.
Maybe other people even have a hard time letting those days go...or maybe that's just me holding myself to an impossible standard. I want everything to be perfect. When the mid-shift manager comes in I want things to be done and I want every area to be ready for the next part of the day. When that doesn't happen I get worried. There has been no indication that anyone but me thinks I can't do the job.
I've been doing a lot of soul searching and thinking about the way I interact with others and with myself. I can encourage, support and be kind to others, but when I need the same treatment I never provide it. I criticize and belittle myself and my abilities, sometimes out loud and sometimes in my own head. It has to stop. How can I possibly grow and get better if anytime I am not perfect I can count on me to tear into my self-esteem. Who better to attack your vulnerabilities and weaknesses than you?
It has been almost 7 years since I decided I wanted something different for myself and my life. In that time I've discovered powerlifting, found a small, strong circle of friends who genuinely seem to love and enjoy me, I've found a new job that allows me to pursue my passion and grow parts of myself I didn't really think existed. Overall I've become a happier, more positive person.
In 2019 I want to work on my inside. I want to learn to show myself mercy and grace. I fully intend to hold myself to a high standard, but when I fall short, because I will, I don't want to immediately go on the attack.
In case any of you are interested I have decided on a powerlifting meet for 2019. Instead of spreading myself too thin and trying to compete three times in one year I have one meet on the books for now: The USA Powerlifting Northeast Regional Championships at Mohegan Sun in Connecticut on July 27 and July 28. I want to go into this meet excited and hungry to prove what I can do, not tired and ready for it to be over as I was last year. Maybe no one who watched me compete last year feels like I let them down, but I also know I wasn't at my best. I have plenty of time to train, get stronger and leaner and when I step on the platform I intend to be the very best powerlifter I can be.
So in the next six months I will be working on my technique on my lifts, I will be pushing the weights, pushing my comfort level, breaking through fears and doubts. I will also be working on strengthening weaknesses. There will be split squats, front squats, RDLs, Glute Ham Raises, balance work, and any and all work I can do to build bulletproof shoulders and a strong back. I will be better than I was in 2018. My coaches are on board, it's time for me to get on board.
Thanks for reading!
It's a nice dream, a wonderful fantasy and I know that. Despite appearances and actions to the contrary I am an intelligent woman. What I am not is kind, at least not to myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not always kind to others, but more often than not I try to extend mercy and grace to others. I will go out of my way to help others.
Again for 2019 I picked a word instead of writing resolutions. I have goals, make no mistake about that, goals I have every intention of meeting, but I also have a word to help guide me. I picked change.
I don't like change, I have never liked change. I have come to the conclusion however that like it or not change is going to come and the harder I fight it the worse it seems. It's taken me time, but I have decided to stop fighting it. If something is going to change my life that will happen whether I fight it or accept it. It might be easier if I just accept the changes. We'll see how that goes, I'm pretty sure there will be plenty of tests of my resolve.
Another thing I want to work on is how I treat myself. I'm sure all of us can say that we're our own harshest critics, but in my case it is so true. I can finish a workout, get a fist bump for the effort I put in and still find fault with my performance. It makes no rational sense and I know it, but I obsessively look for my flaws. Seriously, if I am getting a fist bump and a "good work" from Coach T2 there is nothing I need to pick apart. He has never, and will never praise me when I'm half-assing a workout. I know he knows more about fitness than I do. Shouldn't I be taking his word at face value and not letting my inner critic weigh in?
Don't think it's just in the realm of fitness that I am so harsh with myself. I maintain I am NOT a leader, not someone who should be trying to be a "boss". I am a follower, a very happy follower and I will do what I am asked when I am asked. Since September I have been a manager. I have been told I am doing a good job. I try to do what's expected to the best of my ability. I do understand there will be those days when things just don't go well and there isn't one single thing that made it hard. No one enjoys those days and I think it's pretty typical and common to wonder why you're doing what you're doing when those days pop up.
Maybe other people even have a hard time letting those days go...or maybe that's just me holding myself to an impossible standard. I want everything to be perfect. When the mid-shift manager comes in I want things to be done and I want every area to be ready for the next part of the day. When that doesn't happen I get worried. There has been no indication that anyone but me thinks I can't do the job.
I've been doing a lot of soul searching and thinking about the way I interact with others and with myself. I can encourage, support and be kind to others, but when I need the same treatment I never provide it. I criticize and belittle myself and my abilities, sometimes out loud and sometimes in my own head. It has to stop. How can I possibly grow and get better if anytime I am not perfect I can count on me to tear into my self-esteem. Who better to attack your vulnerabilities and weaknesses than you?
It has been almost 7 years since I decided I wanted something different for myself and my life. In that time I've discovered powerlifting, found a small, strong circle of friends who genuinely seem to love and enjoy me, I've found a new job that allows me to pursue my passion and grow parts of myself I didn't really think existed. Overall I've become a happier, more positive person.
In 2019 I want to work on my inside. I want to learn to show myself mercy and grace. I fully intend to hold myself to a high standard, but when I fall short, because I will, I don't want to immediately go on the attack.
In case any of you are interested I have decided on a powerlifting meet for 2019. Instead of spreading myself too thin and trying to compete three times in one year I have one meet on the books for now: The USA Powerlifting Northeast Regional Championships at Mohegan Sun in Connecticut on July 27 and July 28. I want to go into this meet excited and hungry to prove what I can do, not tired and ready for it to be over as I was last year. Maybe no one who watched me compete last year feels like I let them down, but I also know I wasn't at my best. I have plenty of time to train, get stronger and leaner and when I step on the platform I intend to be the very best powerlifter I can be.
So in the next six months I will be working on my technique on my lifts, I will be pushing the weights, pushing my comfort level, breaking through fears and doubts. I will also be working on strengthening weaknesses. There will be split squats, front squats, RDLs, Glute Ham Raises, balance work, and any and all work I can do to build bulletproof shoulders and a strong back. I will be better than I was in 2018. My coaches are on board, it's time for me to get on board.
Thanks for reading!
This is what a 350# deadlift looks like when you strip
the plates off the bar. I want a 450# pull in 2019.
Monday, December 31, 2018
For my Circle
As 2018 winds down I feel the need to write again. Not to reflect on the year I've done that. Instead I want to take time to recognize and thank people who have had an impact in my life.
My mom, Carol Power. You might not ever want to be in the audience to see me powerlift, but you encourage me to go for it and you are one of the first to like videos of me lifting as soon as they are posted. You are willing to watch Abbey, Eeyore, Gizmo for me so I can compete. You have taught me to be myself no matter what.
My sister, Colleen Nutting. You cheer as hard as anyone for me. You have good advice and you make everything more fun. Shopping trips just aren't the same without you. They say having a sister is having a forever friend and it is so true.
Coach Tyler. There aren't words, really there aren't. You've been working with me since 2014. I trust you like no one else. You've seen me struggle and fail and never made me feel like I am not worthy of your expertise and time. You've shown me a side of myself I didn't know existed. You've introduced me to people who have helped shape a part of my journey, but you've always been there. You've cared enough to be honest and real with me and put it all on the line. You remind me that I don't need to be perfect: I need to give my all and that is all you expect.
Coach Brandon. You've been working with me for about a year now. I can't thank you enough for your belief in me. When I walk into the gym thinking I don't have a heavy lift in me you prove me wrong. When I get disgusted and frustrated with my bench press you remind me of the progress I've made and continue to make.
Hailey. I honestly don't know where I'd be without you. I met you in 2012 when I was just starting this journey and you've been such a key part of my life since. If not for you there would not be "Team Kim" shirts and my trips to competitions wouldn't be nearly as fun or comfortable. You inspire me with your kindness, intelligence and perseverance. In my darkest moments you've been there not judging or expecting anything from me, just reminding me in your wonderful, gentle way that I do matter. Let's not forget the times your lion comes out and you get upset in my stead. Thanks to you I discovered what I need to improve to make my dealifts USAPL worthy. Love you my friend.
Eric. We've come a long way from Hillside Elementary. I cannot imagine this journey without you. You are one hundred percent, unapologetically, you all the time You inspire me to be better. I aspire to be as self-confident and kind as you are.
Nikki you are one of my biggest inspirations and one of my biggest fans. Watching you pursue your dream of a college degree has inspired me to never quit on myself. I appreciate your support, kindness, and friendship so much. You are one of the best people I have been blessed to meet on this journey.
Tara. You have so much grace, class and kindness. You have taught me to smile in the face of adversity and maintain a positive attitude no matter what. Your smile, friendship, and kind words have given me the courage to step outside my comfort zone and be open instead of retreating behind my walls.
Carole. You have been my partner in countless workouts and small group training. You always inspire me to do better and try harder.
Hannah. I have had the great pleasure of competing with you, having my lifts judged by you, and getting support from you. Thank you so so much for your time and kindness.
Cassie. I didn't think you liked me when we first met. You've become someone I look forward to seeing and spending time with. You are part of my work family and I value your advice and input so much. It is so wonderful to have you in my circle. I am so glad I returned to McDs so I could work with you again. Yes I have doubts, I don't feel I know nearly enough for the title I now have, but with your help I'm learning.
Sylvie. My wise, wonderful friend. You give such good advice and insight into things. You challenge me not to get stuck in the negative to always look for the other side. Thank you for being a part of my life even as you forge ahead in your new life. I wish you were closer, but I know you are only an email or call away if I need you.
Jackie. You are my inspiration. Despite some hurdles and obstacles that might stop some in their tracks you keep going. You inspire me beyond measure. Change has always scared me, but watching you accept change with humor and grace I feel compelled to be as brave as you. Thank you for your support and cheering in every facet of my crazy life.
Karla. Lady, you are my inspiration and my push to be the best I can be. Your journey inspires me to never give up hope and never, never quit. Thank you.
Brad. I am very lucky to have had the chance to work with you for the brief time I did. You challenged me and made me think about my level of commitment. You helped me realize powerlifting isn't something I want until it is hard or inconvenient it is something I want no matter what.
To each of you I have mentioned and many more I have not: THANK YOU. You have made 2018 unforgettable. When I have had dark times and I wonder if I can keep going each of you has made me realize there is no other choice. Life is wonderful and precious even when it looks impossible on the surface. I treasure each and every one of you so much.
To the ones who are no longer a part of my journey I'd like to say think you for the lessons you taught me. I wish you nothing but the best as we continue on our separate ways.
2018 has been an amazing year full of change and challenge. I am looking forward to 2019 and everything it has to offer.
Thank you so much for reading!
My mom, Carol Power. You might not ever want to be in the audience to see me powerlift, but you encourage me to go for it and you are one of the first to like videos of me lifting as soon as they are posted. You are willing to watch Abbey, Eeyore, Gizmo for me so I can compete. You have taught me to be myself no matter what.
My sister, Colleen Nutting. You cheer as hard as anyone for me. You have good advice and you make everything more fun. Shopping trips just aren't the same without you. They say having a sister is having a forever friend and it is so true.
Coach Tyler. There aren't words, really there aren't. You've been working with me since 2014. I trust you like no one else. You've seen me struggle and fail and never made me feel like I am not worthy of your expertise and time. You've shown me a side of myself I didn't know existed. You've introduced me to people who have helped shape a part of my journey, but you've always been there. You've cared enough to be honest and real with me and put it all on the line. You remind me that I don't need to be perfect: I need to give my all and that is all you expect.
Coach Brandon. You've been working with me for about a year now. I can't thank you enough for your belief in me. When I walk into the gym thinking I don't have a heavy lift in me you prove me wrong. When I get disgusted and frustrated with my bench press you remind me of the progress I've made and continue to make.
Hailey. I honestly don't know where I'd be without you. I met you in 2012 when I was just starting this journey and you've been such a key part of my life since. If not for you there would not be "Team Kim" shirts and my trips to competitions wouldn't be nearly as fun or comfortable. You inspire me with your kindness, intelligence and perseverance. In my darkest moments you've been there not judging or expecting anything from me, just reminding me in your wonderful, gentle way that I do matter. Let's not forget the times your lion comes out and you get upset in my stead. Thanks to you I discovered what I need to improve to make my dealifts USAPL worthy. Love you my friend.
Eric. We've come a long way from Hillside Elementary. I cannot imagine this journey without you. You are one hundred percent, unapologetically, you all the time You inspire me to be better. I aspire to be as self-confident and kind as you are.
Nikki you are one of my biggest inspirations and one of my biggest fans. Watching you pursue your dream of a college degree has inspired me to never quit on myself. I appreciate your support, kindness, and friendship so much. You are one of the best people I have been blessed to meet on this journey.
Tara. You have so much grace, class and kindness. You have taught me to smile in the face of adversity and maintain a positive attitude no matter what. Your smile, friendship, and kind words have given me the courage to step outside my comfort zone and be open instead of retreating behind my walls.
Carole. You have been my partner in countless workouts and small group training. You always inspire me to do better and try harder.
Hannah. I have had the great pleasure of competing with you, having my lifts judged by you, and getting support from you. Thank you so so much for your time and kindness.
Cassie. I didn't think you liked me when we first met. You've become someone I look forward to seeing and spending time with. You are part of my work family and I value your advice and input so much. It is so wonderful to have you in my circle. I am so glad I returned to McDs so I could work with you again. Yes I have doubts, I don't feel I know nearly enough for the title I now have, but with your help I'm learning.
Sylvie. My wise, wonderful friend. You give such good advice and insight into things. You challenge me not to get stuck in the negative to always look for the other side. Thank you for being a part of my life even as you forge ahead in your new life. I wish you were closer, but I know you are only an email or call away if I need you.
Jackie. You are my inspiration. Despite some hurdles and obstacles that might stop some in their tracks you keep going. You inspire me beyond measure. Change has always scared me, but watching you accept change with humor and grace I feel compelled to be as brave as you. Thank you for your support and cheering in every facet of my crazy life.
Karla. Lady, you are my inspiration and my push to be the best I can be. Your journey inspires me to never give up hope and never, never quit. Thank you.
Brad. I am very lucky to have had the chance to work with you for the brief time I did. You challenged me and made me think about my level of commitment. You helped me realize powerlifting isn't something I want until it is hard or inconvenient it is something I want no matter what.
To each of you I have mentioned and many more I have not: THANK YOU. You have made 2018 unforgettable. When I have had dark times and I wonder if I can keep going each of you has made me realize there is no other choice. Life is wonderful and precious even when it looks impossible on the surface. I treasure each and every one of you so much.
To the ones who are no longer a part of my journey I'd like to say think you for the lessons you taught me. I wish you nothing but the best as we continue on our separate ways.
2018 has been an amazing year full of change and challenge. I am looking forward to 2019 and everything it has to offer.
Thank you so much for reading!
Thursday, December 27, 2018
Reflecting and Looking Ahead
Hey wonderful readers!
2018 is winding down and seems to have flown by in the blink of an eye. I'm starting to look ahead and plan for 2019. I'm also thinking (or over thinking) about what I learned in 2018. Let's see if I can put all the thoughts swirling around between my ears in some sort of coherent post.
A lesson that kept coming back to me over and over again throughout the year is the difference between me in the gym and everywhere else. At my happy place I feel competent, I actually feel like I know what I'm doing and I do it well. In other areas of my life I rarely feel that. I feel unsure, overwhelmed and on the verge of panic many times. True deadlifting, squatting and bench pressing aren't life or death, but they are my passion. One of my goals for 2019 is to work on my confidence in every area of my life. I'm not suggesting that making a specialty coffee drink or keeping my drive thru times well below 200 will become my new passion, but I'd like to think at some point that I won't spend my workday with my shoulders drawn protectively up to my ears and a feeling of impending doom hovering over me.
In the past year I've started following an amazing group of women on Instagram. They are, in no particular order: Stacy Burr, Bonica Brown, Marisa Inda, Kimberly Walford, Hannah Frigon, and Miriam Lawrence. These women are completely amazing, strong, confident and it inspires me beyond my ability to articulate it to see their posts and videos. I have even started posting a few of my own videos. Not because I think I am awesome and inspiring, but because I love to lift and I want to share that with others.
Looking ahead to the year to come I have so many goals. I won't bore you with all of them. There is one I would like to share, because I'd like anyone reading this who wants to to help keep me accountable. Don't worry, I'll be asking my coach for help as well.
I want a new body in 2019. A leaner, stronger, fiercer body. Okay, maybe I'd like a fiercer attitude in 2019, but I am sure I can make my body leaner and stronger. I want to finally figure out this nutrition thing. I'm not looking for a "diet": I want a plan I can sustain, one that gives me the energy to deadlift, squat, bench press, row, bike, spin, push the sleds, flip some tires, and do anything else that shows up in my program. I want to finally learn how to stop being at war with this body and start appreciating it for what it can do and what it can become. Hating myself and my body hasn't worked to get me where I want to be. As the saying goes if you want something you've never had before you have to do something you've never done before. It's time to take it to heart and work on it. I'm pretty sure my coaches will be on board with helping out on this goal, but I'll take any and all help I can get.
Another thing I will be working on in 2019 is making my mental strength match my physical strength. Maybe it's all the books I've read lately : "Girl Wash Your Face" by Rachel Hollis, "You Are a Badass" by Jen Sincero, and "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" by Mark Manson, but I am more than ready to make my inside match my outside. Yes I make mistakes. In fact I can and do make heinous mistakes, but I AM HUMAN. Just like everyone else I am HUMAN. I will screw up, I will never be perfect. That doesn't make me evil, worthless, or hopeless. Time to let it go, move forward, and become the person I was meant to be.
Thank you for reading my ramblings. I hope you'll follow me into the new year. I'll try to be entertaining, but I can assure you I will always be me and I will be honest.
Happy New Year. Make it the best one yet.
2018 is winding down and seems to have flown by in the blink of an eye. I'm starting to look ahead and plan for 2019. I'm also thinking (or over thinking) about what I learned in 2018. Let's see if I can put all the thoughts swirling around between my ears in some sort of coherent post.
A lesson that kept coming back to me over and over again throughout the year is the difference between me in the gym and everywhere else. At my happy place I feel competent, I actually feel like I know what I'm doing and I do it well. In other areas of my life I rarely feel that. I feel unsure, overwhelmed and on the verge of panic many times. True deadlifting, squatting and bench pressing aren't life or death, but they are my passion. One of my goals for 2019 is to work on my confidence in every area of my life. I'm not suggesting that making a specialty coffee drink or keeping my drive thru times well below 200 will become my new passion, but I'd like to think at some point that I won't spend my workday with my shoulders drawn protectively up to my ears and a feeling of impending doom hovering over me.
In the past year I've started following an amazing group of women on Instagram. They are, in no particular order: Stacy Burr, Bonica Brown, Marisa Inda, Kimberly Walford, Hannah Frigon, and Miriam Lawrence. These women are completely amazing, strong, confident and it inspires me beyond my ability to articulate it to see their posts and videos. I have even started posting a few of my own videos. Not because I think I am awesome and inspiring, but because I love to lift and I want to share that with others.
Looking ahead to the year to come I have so many goals. I won't bore you with all of them. There is one I would like to share, because I'd like anyone reading this who wants to to help keep me accountable. Don't worry, I'll be asking my coach for help as well.
I want a new body in 2019. A leaner, stronger, fiercer body. Okay, maybe I'd like a fiercer attitude in 2019, but I am sure I can make my body leaner and stronger. I want to finally figure out this nutrition thing. I'm not looking for a "diet": I want a plan I can sustain, one that gives me the energy to deadlift, squat, bench press, row, bike, spin, push the sleds, flip some tires, and do anything else that shows up in my program. I want to finally learn how to stop being at war with this body and start appreciating it for what it can do and what it can become. Hating myself and my body hasn't worked to get me where I want to be. As the saying goes if you want something you've never had before you have to do something you've never done before. It's time to take it to heart and work on it. I'm pretty sure my coaches will be on board with helping out on this goal, but I'll take any and all help I can get.
Another thing I will be working on in 2019 is making my mental strength match my physical strength. Maybe it's all the books I've read lately : "Girl Wash Your Face" by Rachel Hollis, "You Are a Badass" by Jen Sincero, and "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" by Mark Manson, but I am more than ready to make my inside match my outside. Yes I make mistakes. In fact I can and do make heinous mistakes, but I AM HUMAN. Just like everyone else I am HUMAN. I will screw up, I will never be perfect. That doesn't make me evil, worthless, or hopeless. Time to let it go, move forward, and become the person I was meant to be.
Thank you for reading my ramblings. I hope you'll follow me into the new year. I'll try to be entertaining, but I can assure you I will always be me and I will be honest.
Happy New Year. Make it the best one yet.
 |
| This is my happy place. Love Pride. |
Friday, December 14, 2018
Believe
Nearing the end of year 6 of my fitness journey. When it started I had no idea where it would lead. That's for the best actually, if anyone had mentioned competitions, platforms, being chosen as a Pride Warrior, or Queen of the Pride to me when I snuck into the gym the first time I'd likely have run in the other direction without hesitation. There are still times I don't want to think about it all.
I never set out to do anything but improve me. All I wanted was to change myself so I would feel like I had a life worth living. Along the way I've heard that I am inspirational, a warrior, a bad ass, a champion. I don't feel like any of those things. I am the same person I ever was. I trip over my own two feet. My balance is lacking and honestly laughable. I have the ability to pull, press and squat heavy weight, that's all.
I heard something in a class this morning that hit me. Okay I heard it twice, the first time I didn't think much of it. The second time I confess to tearing up a little. What were these words? "Breathe in confidence. Breathe out doubt". Such simple words, but so profound, at least to me.
I've come to the realization throughout 2018 that if I don't believe in myself I can't expect anyone else to believe in me either. Others see more in me than I see in myself for sure. This year I was asked if I would be interested in being a USA Powerlifting state referee for Vermont (still working on that one), and I was asked to return to a job I left not just as crew, but as a manager (hope no one regrets that offer). Let's not forget that some of the most wonderful, inspirational people I know took time out of their busy lives to support and cheer for me as I stepped onto a platform to face loaded barbells. On of those people believed in me enough that she approached a judge to inquire why my deadlifts were deemed bad lifts instead of just letting it go.
Too bad I can't just snap my fingers and suddenly believe in myself and my ability. I'm a work in progress, We all are. I need to decide how committed I am to changing my perspective on me. What level am I at: until it gets hard/uncomfortable/inconvenient? or am I whatever it takes?
I am "whatever it takes" all the way when it comes to working on my lifts. I would like to think I can apply that same determination to believing in myself. Come on, I was absolutely one of those kids who believed in Santa Claus...I ought to be able to apply that believing in the woman I am becoming.
I accomplished a lot in 2018. I discovered a lot about myself and my circle as well. I am learning to trust my coaches, and to be more a part of my training. Instead of only doing as I'm told I am actually interested in knowing why and where the work I am doing now will lead. If my coaches care enough to plan a program for me I need to be present and invested enough to ask questions.
Speaking of my fitness, since that is what started this blog I recently tested my one rep maxes. I have all time one rep maxes that are higher than my current maxes, but I have to remind myself that those numbers were achieved when I was about 40 pounds heavier...and in some cases my form wasn't as good as it is now. I am getting stronger, working on being leaner, and I am proud of how far I've come.
Deadlift: 410 pounds (my all time 1 RM is 440#)
Squat: 375 pounds (this is my all time 1 RM, set in April 2018)
Bench Press: 180 pounds (my all time max is 209# and was set in 2016. I'm working back up with way better form and building strength)
One of my goals for 2019, one I will make public is that I want to achieve a 1000# total in a meet. Not sure how many meets I will be competing in in 2019, but I know it won't be three in a row. I love to lift, competing is exciting, but 3 meets over 4 months isn't a sustainable plan for me.
I always welcome people to check out meets and cheer for the competitors, not just me, so I will keep you posted when I decide on when and where I will compete. Or better yet you could go to the USA Powerlifting website, check out the calendar of events and pick a meet close to you and go check it out. I know I am biased, but I find it a fascinating sport.
Thanks for reading! I so appreciate you taking the time to check out all my craziness.
I never set out to do anything but improve me. All I wanted was to change myself so I would feel like I had a life worth living. Along the way I've heard that I am inspirational, a warrior, a bad ass, a champion. I don't feel like any of those things. I am the same person I ever was. I trip over my own two feet. My balance is lacking and honestly laughable. I have the ability to pull, press and squat heavy weight, that's all.
I heard something in a class this morning that hit me. Okay I heard it twice, the first time I didn't think much of it. The second time I confess to tearing up a little. What were these words? "Breathe in confidence. Breathe out doubt". Such simple words, but so profound, at least to me.
I've come to the realization throughout 2018 that if I don't believe in myself I can't expect anyone else to believe in me either. Others see more in me than I see in myself for sure. This year I was asked if I would be interested in being a USA Powerlifting state referee for Vermont (still working on that one), and I was asked to return to a job I left not just as crew, but as a manager (hope no one regrets that offer). Let's not forget that some of the most wonderful, inspirational people I know took time out of their busy lives to support and cheer for me as I stepped onto a platform to face loaded barbells. On of those people believed in me enough that she approached a judge to inquire why my deadlifts were deemed bad lifts instead of just letting it go.
Too bad I can't just snap my fingers and suddenly believe in myself and my ability. I'm a work in progress, We all are. I need to decide how committed I am to changing my perspective on me. What level am I at: until it gets hard/uncomfortable/inconvenient? or am I whatever it takes?
I am "whatever it takes" all the way when it comes to working on my lifts. I would like to think I can apply that same determination to believing in myself. Come on, I was absolutely one of those kids who believed in Santa Claus...I ought to be able to apply that believing in the woman I am becoming.
I accomplished a lot in 2018. I discovered a lot about myself and my circle as well. I am learning to trust my coaches, and to be more a part of my training. Instead of only doing as I'm told I am actually interested in knowing why and where the work I am doing now will lead. If my coaches care enough to plan a program for me I need to be present and invested enough to ask questions.
Speaking of my fitness, since that is what started this blog I recently tested my one rep maxes. I have all time one rep maxes that are higher than my current maxes, but I have to remind myself that those numbers were achieved when I was about 40 pounds heavier...and in some cases my form wasn't as good as it is now. I am getting stronger, working on being leaner, and I am proud of how far I've come.
Deadlift: 410 pounds (my all time 1 RM is 440#)
Squat: 375 pounds (this is my all time 1 RM, set in April 2018)
Bench Press: 180 pounds (my all time max is 209# and was set in 2016. I'm working back up with way better form and building strength)
One of my goals for 2019, one I will make public is that I want to achieve a 1000# total in a meet. Not sure how many meets I will be competing in in 2019, but I know it won't be three in a row. I love to lift, competing is exciting, but 3 meets over 4 months isn't a sustainable plan for me.
I always welcome people to check out meets and cheer for the competitors, not just me, so I will keep you posted when I decide on when and where I will compete. Or better yet you could go to the USA Powerlifting website, check out the calendar of events and pick a meet close to you and go check it out. I know I am biased, but I find it a fascinating sport.
Thanks for reading! I so appreciate you taking the time to check out all my craziness.
 |
| Got business face. Will conquer 2019. |
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