Double Standards

My last blog post "Here We Go Again" earned many comments on my facebook page. All of them made me smile and feel thankful for the people who took the time to comment on what I poured out. One made me think and now five days later I'm still thinking about it. I don't think I've stopped thinking about it actually. It percolates away at the back of my mind, sometimes pushing to the front when the circumstances are right.

I won't repost her comment here, but the gist, or at least what I took from it, was "you are walking the walk, don't let your mind play games with you. Train it like you are training your body". She's a wise woman. I'm blessed to be surrounded by so many wise people.

I have a double standard. I think most of us do really. I know I demand perfection from myself, but I am quick to be forgiving and encouraging to my friends. If they feel they screwed up I do my best to point out what they did right and boost their spirits. With myself I attack like every one's nightmare of the worst teacher ever. I am a teacher and I would NEVER treat my students the way I treat myself. I'd be fired, and rightfully so. Don't get me wrong: I have high standards for my students, but I don't belittle them if they don't hit the bar. I tell them from the first moment I meet them that I don't expect them to be perfect: I always expect them to do their best and I know their best won't be the same every day. I need to apply that same care to myself.

The journey during the past week was pretty straight forward. I was nursing my left shoulder, trying to walk the fine line between pushing too far and making sure I moved the joint to keep things moving. Wednesday night was the hardest for me. Tyler introduced barbell cleans during Muscle Hour. I've had practice with them before in buddy training, but I always look for more practice. I got more practice on Wednesday, but not with the barbell. Even trying to clean the empty bar hurt. Not agony, I could have powered through, but enough pain to make me decide I wasn't going to gain anything by soldiering on. As much as it pissed me off (and I was royally pissed, trust me) I used the pvc pipe to practice the different moves involved in the cleans.

Then after the introduction and instruction we had a little circuit. One of the exercises on the circuit was box jumps. That made me happy, I can jump no shoulder movement there. True enough, but I would like to recommend to anyone that you not attempt a box jump until you are completely focused on the box. My first jump was a fail and I fell, scraping the inside of my right leg on the edge of the box. In the recent past that stumble would have ended it for me right there. I would have deemed myself a failure and decided box jumps were not for me.

Believe me, I was ready to decide that, but I remembered my wise friend (and let's be honest, teacher's pet here...I couldn't just quit with Tyler watching me. I don't want to disappoint an instructor, ever). I cut myself some slack assured the people who witnessed it I was just fine and stepped back to focus. My jumps were not perfect, I landed closer to the edge of the box and harder than I did in buddy training, but I landed every jump.

My biggest fear from the time I asked Tyler to help me with my box jumps was falling or hurting myself. I discovered falling was not a deal breaker or the end of the world. I gained a bruise as a souvenir and I survived! There weren't even any tears.

I learned things this week. I learn things most weeks really, but this week they stuck with me and I am hoping I will carry them forward.

1. I'm still not perfect and I'm never going to be perfect. I need to give my best and do my best and be content.

2. Sometimes doing what's right will feel like a let down, but it is for the best.

3. That thing you've been dreading often won't be as bad as you fear.

4. When you fall, dust yourself off, get back up and do it!

5. The things you think make you weak and disgusting are often the things that inspire other people.

6. Your teachers/instructors/friends really do know what they're saying when they tell you you can do it. Trust them, not the critic in your head.

I'll leave you with a picture of my latest souvenir. Yep it's a bruise and it's a lot bigger than I would have thought it would be, but it isn't evidence of a fail. I see it as a reminder to step back, reflect on what I've learned and get it done.

Thanks for reading!

I still got it done!

Here we go Again

Wow, almost two posts in one week. It must be a record or something. Possibly it's just that I'm processing through some garbage and I decided instead of being polite and just processing on my own, I'd take to my blog so anyone out there who thinks I'm still somewhere in the vicinity of normal will learn that's simply not true. Normal is a setting on my washer: I'm a bundle of quirks and craziness. Lucky you. Just so you know, it is not too late to close this page and go on with your evening.

So what exactly is running through my mind right now? How much time to you have? Seriously, this could be a long one, unless I decide to keep the crazy to a minimum and spare you the worst of it. Well, the truth is, if you're still reading at this point you have likely read my ramblings before and you know it's unlikely I'm sparing anyone anything.

I've noticed something about myself, many, many times. I was reminded of it last Saturday morning following my less than graceful attempt to perform a forward roll. I didn't mention it then because 1. I was still processing it. 2. I am nothing if I am not a people pleaser and I don't want anyone to think their advice or help has been taken the wrong way.

The truth is that many times, when someone corrects me what I hear is "You aren't good enough". I know that is not the intended message and I WANT to be corrected so I can get better. Sometimes I actually take the correction as the help it was intended to be, but if I am down or hurting or anything less than one hundred percent no matter how kind your words are or how true and well-meaning I'm going to hear "You aren't good enough".

Does this mean you should never correct me? NO!! The people in my life whom I trust the most offer correction and suggestions. Sometimes I might take it the wrong way, but I KNOW that's my problem. It is my issue and I am aware of it so there is no need to walk on eggshells. I'm a big girl, I'm a strong girl and I won't break. I might cry, I might get silent and say nothing or I might get angry, but it will pass. Beneath it all I am an adult and I understand that people don't take the time to correct or talk to someone they care nothing about.

That wasn't so painful...I don't think it's any secret I don't think I'm worth much of anything. I hope there are some things I do well, and there are times I believe there are things I do well.

Before I go further, I'd like to assure you that I am not looking for sympathy. I'm working through thoughts and ideas and you, you brave soul, happened to stumble into it. Breathe deep and know this too shall pass.

I've explored this next thought before. Usually I keep it to myself, because to me it smacks of begging for attention. What the hell though, as long as I'm being honest I might as well let all the crazy spill out, maybe it can flush out the mean girl who lives in the dark corners of my mind. She's been quite vocal lately.

I'm a fat girl. My body might look different now, but that mentality is still there. No matter what I do I feel like I should be better. I look around at my life now and wonder when it will end...when everyone is going to see what an impostor I am and tell me to hit the road. I will be quiet when I want to speak up and smile when I want to cry just to avoid making waves.

I want the fat girl to ask for what she wants, demand what she deserves and understand that she is worthy and worthwhile. I want her to believe, as a dear friend recently suggested, that I AM one of the "cool kids" now. I want to enjoy the amazing fun times without worrying they will end.

In the meantime, I'm going to keep working out, working on my nutrition and doing my best to take two steps forward for the inevitable steps back. At the moment I'm listening to my body and trying not to push my left shoulder too hard. It feels so much better than it did on Saturday, but it's not 100%.

Tonight during Muscle Hour when I wanted to ignore it and practice my barbell hang cleans I did the adult thing, admitted the pain and did what I could. So, do I feel good and wise for listening to my body? Nope, not a bit...I feel like a fraud. One step at a time, I'll listen to my body, but I am in NO way going to like it.

That's enough for one evening. Time for some Boxer snuggles and sleep.

Thanks for reading!

Confidence

con·fi·dence

noun

A feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities.

I'd like to have some confidence in myself someday. I mean REAL confidence, not just pretending I feel confident. I'm getting better, there are moments in time that I believe I can do whatever I set my mind to. If I am being honest though, most of the time my belief in myself is dependent on other people's opinion of me. Yes I realize there is no way I'll ever be truly happy if I let other people's opinions matter so much to me.

Today I had an opportunity to decide how I felt about myself. In the moment I was disappointed, sad and just wanted to crawl away, lick my wounds and nurse my injury. Now with ice, ibuprofen and time I am proud of myself. Not shout from the rooftops proud, but that isn't me. I'm never going to be a shout it from the rooftops kind of person. I'm going to be the quiet one standing back, waiting to do what she does before moving on.

This morning was Saturday Morning Sweat. I love that class, I still love that class, even when I am less than graceful. Today was a not so graceful day. I had second thoughts about trying the last move of the warm up. Burpees are fine, a roll then a burpee? Umm...sure I tried it. Right side, not too horrible. Left side. Let's just say that in addition to not being able to stop as quickly as someone with less mass, I should probably have thought more carefully before I decided to land on a joint as delicate as a shoulder with my entire mass.

In plain and simple English: Not only do chunky girls not stop on a dime, they shouldn't land on their shoulder either.

Nothing broken, nothing dislocated, but it feels like I am as badly bruised as I have ever been and trying to lift a carton of milk using my left arm is not happening right now.

After my landing I decided I'd try to hide it, I wanted to get through the workout and make my trainer proud. I didn't want the attention for being a klutz so I bit my lip and tried to soldier through. Yeah...DUMB MOVE. I didn't make it through one of the core exercises before I had more attention than I EVER wanted.

Tyler was kind, but he was FIRM. The goal is not to soldier through injury: it is to speak up and use common sense. I don't think he mentioned the common sense part, I added that. Of course, I don't know exactly what he told me: I was busy trying not to cry and convincing myself the other four people there didn't know what had happened and no one was looking at me.

At the time I was compiling a list of everything I couldn't do during the work out. I couldn't do KB swings with both arms, couldn't do the KB clean and press with my left arm. It really was a short list, but at the time I was convinced I sucked. Really, I couldn't have been so bad: Tyler joined in and worked out with us, he didn't follow me around the studio asking if I was okay every two seconds.

Now with some time and less pain I can see things more clearly. I got in a darn good workout. I still did burpees, I did one arm KB swings, I jumped rope, I did the clean presses with my right arm, overhead squats were possible and I certainly used the rowing machine. It might not have been exactly the workout I planned, but I wasn't a failure.

Maybe confidence for me isn't puffing up my chest and bragging about all I accomplish. It seems that confidence for me is more about  recognizing when I do the best I can do and being satisfied with that. Do I want the "atta girls" fist bumps and high fives? I do absolutely, but I also know I need to find that satisfaction inside myself. Until I do anyone and everyone can tell me how well I did and all I'll see is what I didn't do or what I did wrong.

So the journey continues with a brief detour to heal a shoulder and shake out some of those stubborn demons. That's the point though: to do what I need to do to be mentally and physically fit. No one promised it would be easy and it isn't, but it is so worth it.

Right now I think I'll take another dose of ibuprofen, do some shoulder stretches and movement, spend some time icing the poor abused joint and get more sleep. I may not be the most graceful person ever, but I am exactly who I'm supposed to be.

As always thanks for reading!