Trust

I have a friend who has a different approach to New Year's resolutions. She chooses a word to guide her through the new year. I set goals for myself, but I like the idea of picking a word. My word for the coming year is the title of this post. Trust. How I hate this word.

I hear "Trust the process." over and over again, sometimes it is even me repeating it to myself. Maybe it's just me, but I find it hard to believe things are going to be okay if I'm not in control. Never mind that trusting the process has taken me places I'd never thought I could go, the stubborn part of me clings to the idea that I must be in control. Or I need to feel like I'm in control. I might be stubborn, but I am wise enough to know that most of the time when I think I'm in control that isn't the case at all. The reality is the only thing I can control is me. Sometimes the only thing I can control is my breathing. My face tends to give away what I'm thinking and feeling and my mind runs away with me, often conjuring worst case scenarios even when I know better. Then there's that nasty, mean inner voice whispering I can't do it, whatever "it" might be that voice is there assuring me I'll screw it up. The hardest thing for me is trusting people. I do like to believe the best about people, but only to a certain point. I'd like to be more open and trust without reservation, but life doesn't work that way. I consider it a HUGE victory that I now need the fingers on two hands to name the men I trust implicitly. Not so long ago I only needed one hand and I had plenty of fingers left over. Eric, Tyler, Dane, Ben, Pat, Barry and Lindsay have convinced me there are actually good, kind men in the world. I feel pretty confident in trusting any of those men to help when I need it and give solid advice if I ask. I freely admit that I don't always like the advice, that I will try to negotiate when the opportunity presents itself and there are times my first reaction is a resounding NO! Hey, I'm human...I might want to be wonder woman, but that's never likely to happen. Better to admit that and move on. I bet you're not wondering, but I'm going to tell you anyway why my word for 2017 will be trust. You can always walk away if you don't want to know.
2016 was a remarkable year for straying out of my comfort zone. I participated in two more powerlifting meets, I willingly let someone take pictures of me and I actually asked my coaches to help design a training plan that made sense and wasn't a product of the fear that I was going to wake up one morning at 309 pounds if I didn't spend every second at the Pride Fitness Performance Center (though giving me an air mattress and a small corner in the Asylum isn't a bad idea). Which one of the things on that list do you think was the hardest for me? For me it feels like a toss up between the Be Your Own Hero photo shoot and the new training plan. You can ask Coach Dane how often I try to negotiate with him about when I can train and the number of times he asks me if I worked out earlier in the day when he sees me in the afternoon or evening. The photo shoot was fun. I worried about going and almost didn't walk into Pride that morning, but when I did I was welcomed. Coach Tyler didn't laugh and ask me what the hell I was doing there. No one rolled their eyes or snickered at me. I heard from several people that my facial expression while my picture was being taken was scary, but no one suggested I didn't belong there. I certainly never thought that my picture would end up anywhere besides as my profile pic on Facebook, but when it did I managed to bite back my urge to beg that it be taken down. Other people really seem to like it, so I will silence the inner critic and try to appreciate it as others do. My new training plan brought up a whole host of trust issues. Would Coach Tyler be glad to see less of me? Would Coach Dane get tired of me? Did I really have the potential they thought I did? Would my best be good enough to get me to a national meet in a new federation? Why the HELL did I need a new federation, couldn't I just stay with All Raw and Vermont Powerlifting? Were those three trophies sitting on the shelf at Pride going to my head? Yeah, it was a typical "Kim's being crazy" episode. I have to believe (and yes, trust) given what I know about both Tyler and Dane, that they would be honest with me and neither would have encouraged me to consider a new federation if I didn't have potential. I won't lie: I deeply miss training with Coach Tyler as often as I used to, but I am trusting it is for the best. Don't get me wrong, I like working with Coach Dane: we're pretty well suited to each other. Neither of us is a big talker. I always felt bad for Coach T he did 99% of the talking during buddy training sessions when it was just the two of us. He didn't seem to mind and I was capable of conversation, but I felt bad that I wasn't a more entertaining client. I love buddy training for that reason: Carole is so much more outgoing and social than me. I can be quiet and reserved with no worries. My workouts have required a little trust lately too. A couple of times now at Muscle Hour I've been the only woman in my class. The first time I sat on the bench taking much longer to get ready than was strictly necessary, because I wasn't sure I would measure up to the men. Even though I'd seen Coach D and we'd said hello I truly considered walking out and coming back for 7 pm when I hoped there would be a few more women. I had to remind myself that for most BB work when Coach D posted a weight for the women and one for the men he would also announce "Guys will be using xx pounds...Kim, you're one of the guys". Then there was the "but I don't know them that well...".

The men don't seem to mind working out with me at all. We all go about our business and I get fist bumps when it's over. They're nice men: friendly, kind and ready to offer advice when they see something I could improve. It's probably hard to care what I'm doing when you're trying to grind through 50 pull ups or chin ups and it seems like Coach D if set on killing all of us. So trust is my word for 2017. I need to trust my friends, trust my coaches and yes, I even need to trust myself. 2017 will be full of highs and lows I can't imagine right now and I am willing to extend trust that I have what it takes to show up, stand up and never give up. I trust that I will give the best I have to give when it is required of me. I will trust that what is meant for me will happen and I can't screw it up. Most of all I will trust the process and my training and stay the course. Just because I can't see what's ahead doesn't mean I can dig a hole, hunker down and hide. I'm a Pride Warrior, even if I don't necessarily understand why: I trust the person who gave me that honor. He knows his stuff and I trust him. Thanks for reading!

This is Mine

I have had the opportunity to think about a lot of things since I posted "Gym Mirror" last week. Mostly because sleep hasn't come as easily as I want it to. The new mattress is fabulous, but it won't stop my mind and my mind has been revved up.

I've been thinking a lot about who I am and how I know that. I find it disturbing that most of my identity, most of how I feel about myself and my abilities is because of someone's opinion. Not that it is wrong to listen to what other people have to say about me. Given my inability to see anything but my flaws I think it is important for me to seek advice from others and to see myself through their eyes.

There have been times recently though when I know exactly who I am and EXACTLY what my skill set is and I've been dismissed. That irks me: it takes time, courage and effort to stand up for myself and to be dismissed without any attempt being made to hear what I'm saying or to consider if maybe I might be right makes me more certain than ever that there are changes coming.

This is MY life. The only one I am going to get. I have discovered a passion I intend to pursue as far as I can. I have also discovered that as much as I like my job, it is only a job. It is not a measure of my worth as a human being in any way, shape or form. There was a time, not so long ago, that my job was my only identity and I obsessed endlessly about how I didn't measure up.

Then it changed. I came to a point where I had a choice to make about whether I wanted to close the door on the chapter of my life that started in January 2012 or if I was ready to dig in, fight to overcome some setbacks and show the world I might go down, but I wouldn't be beaten. I sought advice from my coach and a group of my closest friends and I fought. As I fought to find my niche and be the best version of me I could be I went through some unexpected changes.  I found that I cared about my job, I wanted to do well, but if I wasn't perfect it wasn't the end of the world. I discovered I was human and if I was doing the best I could that would have to be good enough.

I suppose in order to continue growing I need to decide who I am for myself. I don't intend to stop asking advice from friends or my coaches, but I need to step up and be an active participant in my life. I have to take the advice, apply it to what I know about myself and forge ahead. I'll probably stumble and fall. I will probably have to make changes I may not want to make, but if I'm not willing to stand up and fight for what I want in MY life I certainly can't ask anyone else to support me.

I have goals in 2017, I talked about those in an earlier post, but the one goal I keep coming back to is wanting to compete in a national powerlifting meet. Coach D tells me I have the potential. Coach T tells me to give it a 100% run. My friends tell me they'll be there with me. Me? I have butterflies and heart palpitations thinking about it. I can't believe I could be good enough to participate in a national meet. I have a 932 pound total for my 3 lifts. Maybe that's not super impressive, but for a 46 year old former couch potato extraordinaire it is a HUGE number and something to scream from the rooftops. When I let the beast out to play she does some amazing things, I've no doubt she would make a good showing and do the Pride proud wherever she goes.

So I may as well commit to it here. I am going to put in the work, I will do what my coaches tell me (there will be whining). I will give the best I have to give to every workout, knowing that my best isn't always the same. I will do everything I can to get a qualifying total for a national meet. We'll see how it all turns out as 2017 progresses, but I have the coaches and the support to get me where I need to be if I put in the work.

Here's to the grind and the gains! Let's do this!

This is me. This is part of who I am. I am a powerlifter.

Thanks for reading!

Gym Mirror

This post is dedicated to Carisa Kerner. The idea is hers and revolves around a conversation we had. I hope I will do the idea justice, I think it is an important one. If I don't this might be the push Carisa needs to start her own blog. It's a topic I've discussed here before, some might even say one I've beaten to death and keep poking at. I can perseverate with the best of them, I've never tried to deny that. So which topic will I ramble on about this time? The reflection we see when we look in the mirror. People tell me how much I have changed, how different I look. I don't see that. I don't know that I will ever see that. I have the new clothes. At the back of my closet, the very back are a pair of jeans I wore in January 2012 when I weighed in and measured for the first time at Ben's Bootcamp. Every once in awhile when the doubts and the negative voice in my head are too loud I pull those jeans out and put them on. I have to prove to myself that my body truly is different. I love that others see muscles when they look at my arms. I see stretch marks, jiggle and flab. I know the sleeves of most of my shirts are getting tighter. One part of me is excited by that because it means my muscles are growing, then I look in the mirror and shudder because all I see is the remaining fat. Maybe I should just stop looking in the mirror at home, maybe I should only look in the mirrors in The Asylum at the Pride Fitness Performance Center. When I look in those mirrors I can look past the flaws, I can see some progress. I see whatever it is my coach has told me to notice or instructed me to do. I look past what disgusts me so much to focus on the task in front of me. I watch videos of myself taken at meets or during training and most of the time I can look past the rolls and flaws and see if the pull was smooth, the squat got to parallel or if I was able to press the loaded bar back up evenly. I said sometimes, there are those other times I watch the videos and all I see are the flaws: the fact that I am moving heavy weight matters little at those times. So, how is the gym mirror so different? Why can I look in the mirrors in the Asylum or the Lion's Den and not be focused on the flaws? No, I'm seriously asking...I have no idea. That's not entirely true. The reality is, when I am at Pride and looking in the mirrors it is not with the purpose of determining if I am remotely attractive it is to adjust my form or see what it looks like when I'm doing an exercise the correct way. Yep, even with the strength there is still a part of me that just wants to be pretty, a pretty big part really . I am strong, I own that and I am proud of that, but I'd be a liar if I said I didn't want to be pretty. If I said I didn't want someone to look at me the way I see my friends' significant others look at them. There, I said it I have the most fabulous friends, female and male, but there are moments I want one person who thinks I hung the moon, who can see past the flaws and unlovable moments. So sue me: I have girly moments too. You'd think that was some sort of shameful secret the way I do my best to shove it down and pretend it doesn't exist. Well, it does exist and gym mirror or not I'd truly like to believe that somewhere out there is some person for me, even if I know I am not ready for this person yet. I might be 46, but I have some growing up to do still. Not sure I did the topic justice Carisa, I certainly hope so. If not, you and I should collaborate and write a follow up, or I'll give you free rein to post a follow up of your own here. Let's end this with a picture I took earlier this week in an attempt to find something about me I like.

Well, here it is. Not a clue where that bruise came from either. 

Thanks for reading!

Looking Ahead, 2016 Version

Christmas is coming...in twenty one days. The house is slowly getting decorated. I am shopping for family and friends. I am also thinking ahead to 2017 and wondering what my goals for the new year will be. I know many of my goals will revolve around fitness, but not all of them.

One goal I want to set for myself, when I decide how to word it so it is measurable and attainable, is using my new-found voice to get my point across in ways that won't offend too many people. Make no mistake, there are times I need to offend people because they need to hear the truth whether they like it or not, but I want to develop the ability to be as kind as possible while being honest. I know some people, a coach comes to mind, who aren't a bit bothered when I am honest in whatever way the honesty comes out at the time, but that's not true for everyone. I can make myself sound quite eloquent when I write: I want to have the same ability when I speak.

I need to work on patience. Wanting it all is fine, wanting it all RIGHT NOW is just ridiculous and a recipe for disaster. My lack of patience has caused me to miss squats I could easily make and nearly screw up my first attempts at deadlifts. In other areas of my life, not being patient often means I make more work for myself. When I don't stop to explore whether a resource exists elsewhere I often end up reinventing the wheel and pouring a lot of time and energy into something I didn't need to.

I don't even want to face up to this third goal...except I need to. I had so many great adventures and wonderful times with friends in 2016 and I tried not to be a part of pictures of these adventures whenever possible. It's not that I'm hideously ugly...at least other people have told me I'm not. I still don't like this body very much, or at all if I'm being truthful. This body is strong for sure and it accomplishes all the things my mind conjures up for it. It is also lumpy, jiggly and in my mind just plain weirdly shaped. I recognize that the picture of me in the welcome area at the Pride Fitness Performance Center is great, but I still cringe when I see it. I respect and trust Coach T though and if he chose that to be on the wall he absolutely knows what he's doing and I'll try to stop obsessing. I said try...let's be happy I am at that point.

No, I am not asking anyone to stroke my ego and tell me I am almost pretty, pretty, beautiful or anything like that. My journey to accepting this body is just that: mine. As much as I'd like someone else to be able to open up my head, scoop out all the negative garbage and leave me accepting what I look like that's not possible. Perhaps a size 10 wrestling boot to the proper spot might work, but I'm guessing that's not a possibility.

What I want in 2017 is to be happy to be a part of pictures with friends. I have friends who take selfies during every adventure and event. Usually I opt out of those sitting as far back as I can. There are times I even strategically plan where I sit so I am not near my friends who like to take selfies. How stupid is that? I mean, really how stupid?! In 2017 I resolve to be a part of more pictures with my friends. No more hiding behind someone else like I did for the end shot of us when we went white water rafting. I finally showed up to the party that is my life, I might as well have some photographic proof of my presence.

So far on my goal list I have speaking up kindly, being patient and being in more pictures of adventures with friends. You all know those aren't my only goals. Since the start of this blog I've had fitness goals and 2017 won't be any different. My fitness goals might be a little more focused this year. I said A LITTLE, neither of my coaches should be rejoicing too much. I know lifting heavy stuff is my wheelhouse, but I can't help but want some other things too. Like a pull up or climbing the new rope in the Pride Training Zone.

So, what do I want fitness wise in 2017? How much time do you have? I'm kidding, well, I'm mostly kidding. I have a lot of goals in mind. The trick is to figure out which of the many goals swirling around in my mind am I going to put down on paper. Coach Tyler and Coach Dane are infinitely patient with me, but I don't think either one of them has any desire to read a many page document detailing every one of my fitness goals for 2017. Coach D would probably tell me to get it together and Coach T would remind me that there has to be balance. They're both right, of course, so let's see what I can do to keep the list manageable.

1. Powerlifting: This was bound to be my number one fitness goal. I might not be the best, I might not be the strongest, but I work hard.
a. Choose a new federation.
b. Pick a meet.
c. Have a total at the meet that will qualify me for a national meet.

2. Three Lift Totals
a. Squat: I exceeded my goal of squatting 300 pounds in 2016 by squatting 305. Working on getting below parallel every time. In 2017 I want to squat 350 pounds.
b. Bench Press: Currently at 209 pounds, still my weakest of the three, but I am making good progress. Now to get that pause down. For 2017 I want to bench press 250 pounds.
c. Deadlift: No secret that this is my favorite lift of all and the least technical. No pause, no depth requirement, just pull that bar smoothly from the floor to lock out. Currently I am at 413 pounds. The goal in 2017 is to pull 500 pounds.

d. Three lift total: Currently my total is about 927 pounds.  If I meet all my goals for the 3 lifts my total will be 1,100 pounds. If my total is higher than that in December 2017 I will be thrilled. I might be underestimating what I can press, squat and pull and I am sure if I am my coaches will let me know it. I can adjust my goals after all: they aren't carved in stone.

3. Rope Climb: Yes, I can get up the knotted rope when I want to, but now I want to climb the new rope and ring the cowbell again. By the end of 2017 I intend to meet this goal.

4. Pull Up: Please, please, please...let 2017 be the year I finally get a pull up. I swear it has been on my goal list since I was a Mooser contestant. Coach T tells me I'm getting close...wouldn't it be nice to try one and have him say I did it? I bet I could get a fist bump for that.


So there you have it, my draft of goals for 2017. I welcome suggestions, advice and assistance in meeting these goals. For my totals I am interested to hear what you think if you feel so inclined to share with me.

You've spent enough of your time on this: go, get on with your day. Enjoy it!!

Thanks for reading!

Proof that I showed up for my life and participated. I love what it represents,
 just wish I didn't want to photoshop the woman in it.