Mudderella 2016

Mudderella New England was held on Saturday, July 30 in Epping, NH at New England Dragway. I went with three of my best friends.

We all started off Friday morning, as we do most Friday mornings at Pride. Friday's workout was Russian Bear 500. I saw the board when I walked in and thought briefly about turning around and walking back out. I don't mind kettlebell exercises at all, but 100 KB Goblet Squats to a box, 150 KB Swings, 150 KB Deadlift High Pulls and 100 KB Reverse Lunges is enough to give even me at my craziest pause. The goal was to finish all 500 KB moves using the same KB the entire time in 25 minutes or less. I told myself I would do my best, I would not be a moron and push too hard since I was participating in Mudderella the next day and steeled myself to get it done.

Well...I got the majority of it done before the 25 minutes was up. I did cheat a little on the goblet squats, though I guess cheat isn't the right word since I made no attempt to hide it. For 30 of my squats I really wanted to squat to the lower box, but with the KB I was having a hard time getting back up and my form was awful. I decided form mattered more to me and I put the KB down for 29 of the 30 squats. The other 70 were done with the KB on a box that was a little higher and I made sure my form was as close to perfect as I could make it. Pretty sure my squat form was right on because my hamstrings and butt were screaming yesterday morning. It was about Mile 2 before I really felt them loosen up.

I was just starting in on my reverse lunges when the timer went off. In all I completed the KB swings, KB DL HP,  KB Goblet squats and 1 KB Reverse Lunge. 351 is nothing to be ashamed of and I am proud of myself.

After Mudderella was breakfast, a Friday morning tradition, at Roasters with my friends. Then a mad dash to get Abbey to Buster's Bed 'n Biscuit and myself back to Carole's house in Derby so we could leave somewhat on time. We were on the road by 9:30 at least.

I've never been to Hampton Beach before, but I liked it a lot. Our hotel was right across the street from the beach and the beach itself was beautiful. We spent the afternoon on Friday at the beach. Friday evening we went out for dinner at Millie's Tavern and I made a new "friend".

Friend is ABSOLUTELY the wrong word. In my defense I was not the only person that evening who thought the rest room was one where you walked in and there were several stalls and tried to open the door. When I discovered the door was locked I let go of the handle and backed off. The woman inside the rest room at the time was not impressed. She came out swearing and yelling. Our waitress gave it right back to her and apologized to me explaining the woman was a regular and greatly enjoyed her alcohol (okay, so the waitress told me she was an alcoholic, but I was trying to be nice). Good times, I almost got into a bar fight and I hadn't even been in town for 12 hours yet. Go me... She came up many, many times throughout the night to use the restroom and several times someone else twisted the knob while she was in there. She didn't explode at anyone else though. I wonder if perhaps our waitress had more words with her when she went down to the bar at some point.

Saturday morning our start time was 8 am. By 6 am we were all up and getting ready for the race. I said to Hailey as we were leaving that I'd slept really well the night before and I didn't feel nauseous at all about the upcoming event. She suggested maybe I was getting more confidence and that it was good I'd slept well.

We discovered that very little at Hampton Beach opens before 7 am. Fortunately one of the venues at Mudderella was selling breakfast sandwiches. We each had one, then it was close to go time. I felt a little anxious, new things always make me a little anxious, but this was nothing like I experienced for Tough Mudder or even powerlifting meets. I knew it would be okay. I had a good team and we'd get through it together.

There were a couple of downhill portions that were giving me trouble trying to walk down. Hailey, Carole and Sylvie suggested I slide down on my butt, but since my butt was wet and I didn't want to add sand and mud to the sand and mud I was already carrying around quite yet I came up with alternatives. I crab walked down the first hill. My teammates told me it was a nice crab walk and to get my hips up more. It was kind of like having Tyler there coaching me. I did ask them not to tell him I did a good crab walk. The second downhill portion I did a backward bear crawl. It was much less pitiful than the backward bear crawls I do at Pride.

I did all but one obstacle. The last obstacle was Stunt Double. You climbed to a platform that was about 10 feet high and then you jumped off into an inflated pad. The drop was probably no more than 5 feet and at the start of the race I thought I could do it. To be honest I am pretty sure I could have done it, but I over thought the obstacle as I approached it at the end and my nasty inner voice told me I would hurt myself, be a disaster and an even bigger drain on my team than I had already been. I hate the voice...but unfortunately yesterday I let that voice convince me I couldn't do it.

On a positive note I made it over the walls (with support from my team) and I got up Rise of the Shero on my own, with lots of encouraging words from my team. There was some mud, but not as much as I had expected.

Saturday afternoon was a glorious beach day. The ocean felt wonderful and there was a nice breeze. I didn't spend a lot of time in the sun either day, I'm more of a shade person, but I enjoy warm sand and the chance to relax as much as anyone.

I did come to some realizations about myself and my abilities this weekend. One of my goals used to be to complete 10 Tough Mudders. Yesterday I decided that I would happily do another Mudderella, I'd like to try a Dirty Girl, but my Mudder days are behind me.

It wasn't my nasty inner bitch telling me that either, it was the beast within. I love my Tough Mudder experiences, they are among some of my most cherished memories. On part of the course we passed a place with old tires. There were some tractor tires there and my heart sang. Really, I saw those tires and I perked right up: flipping tires is one of my loves. Sylvie, Carole and Hailey pointed out the tires on the course to me. Sadly none of them were there for flipping. I decided I want to have fun with obstacle races and I want to save my training and hard work for powerlifting. As Tyler told me recently, there is nothing wrong with being good at a few things instead of being a jack of all trades. I am suited to deadlifting, and to a lesser extent squatting and bench pressing. Why would I keep fighting that?

I am a powerlifter. I have been told I have great potential as a powerlifter. I want to focus on that. I want to see how far I can go and maybe someday participate in a national competition. I want to challenge everyone's perception of me. I want to own and be comfortable with my strength. I want to leave my mark on the world by giving back and paying it forward whenever and wherever I can.

Here's a picture taken on Saturday with bar none, some of the most INSPIRING women I know: Julie, Jess, Hailey, Sylvie and Carole thank you, thank you, thank you for a wonderful weekend.

Thanks for reading!

Brave

Driving home from a workout before my vacation the song "Brave" by Sarah Bareilles was playing. I've always sort of liked this song. I want to be brave. I want to face all my fears without wondering where the exit is. I want to stand up for what I want.

Most of all I want to stop caring so much about what society says is "right". I see the magazines, I see the photoshopped, airbrushed covers and my chunky, solid body just does not measure up. Not in any way, shape or form. Not in the wildest reaches of my imagination does the body I possess measure up to society's "ideal" or flavor of the month (thank you Joanne for that phrase).

Do I ever stop to think that there is a great likelihood that none of the women I am seeing on the cover can deadlift 400 pounds, squat 275 pounds or bench press 200? Do I remind myself to celebrate what my body can do and does do well? Nope, nope, nope. I look at the thick, jiggly thighs and resolve to work harder.

My biggest fear from the beginning of this journey has been I will slip back to the person I was before. I will regain all the weight and then some. I have shared my fears repeatedly with both of my coaches. Recently one of them suggested it is time to stop worrying about that: I am not the person I was before. Hmmm, he might have a point.

So, am I telling you that now I love my body and think it is perfect. Bahahaha! NO!! I am telling you I am TRYING to accept the body I have now and what it can do while I work on making it even better. I am working on not caring what the size label in my clothing says and instead worrying about how the clothes fit and make me feel. I am going to try to focus on what I do well and work on my weaknesses without getting down on myself. I don't want or need to be a jack of all trades at Pride: I need to be me. The coaches want me to be ME, not a pale, cookie cutter version of someone else.

I was brave last week in a different way: I didn't work out. No Pride Fit Group Training, no Yoga Corr, no Buddy Training, no Muscle Hour, no Flex Friday. I did take a 2 mile walk most mornings, but for a week I didn't see Coach Tyler, Coach Dane or Pride Fitness Performance. Most shocking to me: I lived through it. I would dare say it was even good for me (Yes, yes, I am saying you were right Dane and Tyler, I did need the break). I will walk back into Pride early tomorrow morning and I can't wait. I'll try not to do anything embarassing like hug the walls, but I make no promises.

I have one other area of being brave I need to work on. I need to stand firm on what I want. I hate conflict, to me it is just easier to let others have what they want. Except that doesn't really work. The other person might be happy, but I feel resentful and angry. Recently, with a lot of help and advice from friends, I have started the process of standing up for what I want. It's going to be slow going and I'm sure I'll slide back into letting other people's needs dictate what I do frequently, but one baby step at a time. Those people who think I will always be swayed to meet their needs now have fair warning: my needs matter too. Don't think I will automatically acquiese because you feel your needs are more important. I will be honest, I will strive to be kind, but if you are bold enough to ask me to meet your needs and ignore mine you get what you get.

In the interest of being brave here's my attempt of the day.

Popham Beach July 22, 2016. 

Someday

Someday.

I don't know about you, but I use that word A LOT. Definitely in dreaming about fun things to do with friends "Someday we should....". Many times when thinking about myself  "Someday, when I am fit....". The thing is, I am sort of fit now...some of the things I am putting off until that magical "someday" are things I should be doing now.

You know when someday is, right? For me it is NEVER. If I tell you I will do something "someday" you can bet I am thinking "...and someday is when hell freezes over. It ain't happening". My friend Carole has pointed out to me on many occasions that I should never say never. She's right, just about every thing I have said I would never do (i.e. complete a Tough Mudder, climb a wall, run around the pond, powerlift) I have done. Some I have done much better at than others, but I've done just about everything I said I never would. So I changed my never. Someday now means never for me.

It occurs to me as I write this, that this is one of the dumbest things I could do. I know myself: if I write it, I will post it. If I post it everyone who reads it is going to know that if I tell you someday chances are I am telling you never. Ah well, I may as well be honest.

Besides, I am not sure this is a secret. A coach who had known me less than a month was astute enough to recognize that if he ever wanted to see me on the platform at a powerlifitng meet he was going to need to do something about it himself. He was right, had he waited for me he'd still be waiting. I guess he saw something in me that led him to believe I would find my niche in powerlifting if he kicked my butt into doing it the first time. I am grateful he took the time to nudge me into powerlifting.

Someday I will have confidence in myself and my abilities. Yeah, not so much this one. I am working on it. Sometimes I feel confident, tell me we are deadlifting 215 pounds or I'll be bench pressing 135 pounds 5 reps for 5 rounds and I feel confident: I know (or I'm pretty sure) I can do those things.

Then I step up to that barbell loaded so it weighs 365 pounds and I get myself set up and lift. It feels so heavy while I'm pulling it past my shins that my confidence withers and I'm left with that voice that tells me I suck, that the bar is not going to lock out and I should quit right there. Fortunately at that point I also have Coach T or Coach D right there. Their voices are louder than the sneaky bitch in my head trying to undermine me and I get to lock out. The weight that gives me pause changes, but once I get past that "heavy" lift nothing else I pull feels as heavy.

That sounds weird right? How is it possible that pulling 365 pounds feels heavier than pulling 385, 395 or 400 pounds? I suspect it is mostly mental in my case. I over think things, shocking news right?? As much as I am chanting "this bar isn't heavy" in my head while I set up the nasty little voice in my head is also whispering "That is so much weight, you'll never move it...you'll be rowing 5000m for sure when you blow it. Coach T won't let you fail this without a consequence. And Coach D, he's going to be sorry he's been wasting his time training you".

I need to evict that nasty voice once and for all. Not someday, but now. There are days I might not pull 365 pounds, but that in no way means I've failed. I can't fail unless I walk away and refuse to try. That's just not going to happen, because there is no way I can look either of my coaches in the face and say no. There is no way I can look into the faces of my friends, the people who have travelled to Burlington with me, the ones who send me encouraging messages, the ones who make me laugh and remind me it will be okay when I am one step from bolting and tell them "Nope. Can't do it. Won't do it".  If I can't find the strength to do it for myself, then I will find the strength to do it for everyone who supports, encourages and cares about me.

I'm not perfect, I'm a work in progress. If I need to draw on my need to please people to get the job done then so be it. I know I need to work on it so that making myself happy is important too, but for the moment I will take what I can get. Lifting heavy stuff makes me really, really happy and I will get to that any way I have to.

Thanks for reading!