Monday, July 27, 2015

Then and Now...

As I am sitting in front of the television watching American Ninja Warrior and still dreaming I thought I would look through the pictures on my Facebook page and see if I could see a difference in my body over time.

I don't see a difference. I see the difference in what I am doing in the pictures, but I don't see a change in the body. What I notice most is the person I have always been deep inside finally coming to the fore. She doesn't feel she has to hide or pretend to be someone she isn't in order for people to like her. Some will like me and some won't. I can't control that, nor do I want to. Everyone has their own journey and I respect that.

I am still reluctant and very slow to trust, but I know if I am betrayed I will survive it. I am not fragile, I will not break. I might cry, I will hurt, but there is no quit in me. I thought there was at one time. I was convinced the world would go on and be a far better place without me. Yes, I considered a permanent solution to temporary obstacles and problems. No more: I am here to stay.

Thanks for taking the time to read and look at the pictures. It's been one hell of a ride and it isn't over yet. Brace yourselves.

December 2010

July 2011


October 2012
September 2013


May 2014
March 2015
There it is...some of the journey in pictures. Thanks for taking time out of your day to look. 

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Tractor Tires, Ropes, Two Gold Stars and The Wall

Hmmm...interesting title. Either I'm going to be rambling about fitness again or this blog is about to veer sharply out of its generally PG track.

Wednesday night I set a new PR for a tractor tire deadlift. For the record it is 560 pounds. I set it during Muscle Hour at Pride Fitness Performance. I also tried to lift 610 pounds, but that didn't happen. It will happen, but this wasn't the week for it.

I have a new goal. It's not on my list of goals on the Wall of Pride, because I just decided on it. At my very heaviest, before I was a Mooser contestant I weighed 309 pounds. My goal for a tractor tire dead lift is 618 pounds. Somehow it feels important to be able to lift double what I used to weigh. I don't weigh that anymore, but I remember how it felt and I still see that when I look in a mirror.

Last week was the first week of a new phase at Pride Fitness Performance, also known as my happy place. Seriously, I love it there. Yes, there are times I leave so sore and tired I'm not sure I'll make it to my next class, but most of the time I do. Even with the buddy training sessions when the rowers come out I love it.

The rower is my undoing just about every time I get on. My trainer doesn't seem to mind: he earned two gold stars last week. In case you wondered: Tyler earns a gold star when he makes someone vomit. I'm not sure if I'm proud or just thoroughly embarrassed that he got two from me. The competitive part of me wants to keep getting on the rower and pushing as hard as I can until there comes a time I don't vomit when I get off.

The first time Tyler got a gold star was after a 3000 m row. He told Carole and I we had 17 minutes to get to 3000 m and we could take a break rowing, but not until we got to at least 2000 m. He also suggested that we keep a steady pace and not worry about speed. You see where this is going, don't you?

Yes...I really meant to keep a steady pace. The thing is when I know I can take a break at 2000 m and I'm at 1800 m this overwhelming need to get to the break erases every bit of common sense I possess, which is a woefully small amount as those of you who know me realize. So I got to 2000 m, took a break and then pushed to 2500, took a break and tried to keep a nice steady pace for the last 500 meters. Umm yeah, that lasted until 2750 and then I HAD to finish and I had to do it as fast as I could. The final time I pulled I knew Tyler was getting that gold star.

I have spent enough time working out to recognize when vomiting is inevitable. When I feel as if I can't draw in a full breath I get panicky. Sometimes I have the presence of mind to remind myself I am still getting oxygen, I will not die and I am fine. Not so much after 3000 m. I'll spare you the details and just say that the second gold star was earned courtesy of the rower as well. The second time was during a crazy intervals bout with the rower. Crazy intervals, if you care, are steady pace for 40 seconds, as fast as possible for 20 seconds, steady pace for 60 seconds and a final as fast as you can 20 second round.

I am determined not to give Tyler another gold star. I like him, I trust him 100%, but I am not giving him another gold star. I'm not really angry about those stars. To me they mean that Tyler offered me a challenge and I gave everything I had to give to meet that challenge. Oh, not that it matters, but I finished my 3000 m row in 14 minutes and 10 seconds.

As most of you know I have a goal to climb the rope at my happy place and ring the cowbell. I hoped I would meet that goal on Friday. Sadly, I didn't ring anything. I did get farther up the rope than ever before, but not close enough to ring that bell. Since then I have been obsessively watching You Tube videos and reading everything I can find about what to do with my feet when I'm trying to get up the rope. I have a good deal of upper body strength, but not enough to haul myself up the rope with no legs. I have a couple of different methods to try the next time the opportunity presents itself. We'll see how it goes.

There is a new toy at my happy place now. A wall, the combat wall as Tyler has named it. One side is about 8 feet high and the other is at least 10 feet. Walls scare me, there I said it. I am afraid of walls. I am not afraid that I might fall off and get hurt, no that would be a sensible fear. Nope, what I am afraid of is that I will fail and make a fool of myself.

I have grown and changed a lot on this journey, but the fear of looking like a fool is still there. I want to look competent, heck I want to be competent. Ask me to flip a tire or dead lift and I jump: I know I can do those things and I do them pretty well. Walls, not so much. If I get a boost I can get to the top and over without too many splinters in places splinters were never meant to be. I can even come down on the other side without breaking anything (at least so far).

The thing is: I want more. I want to be able to get up and over the walls by myself. I figure I should be able to get up and over the 8 foot wall alone. I'm not saying there is any shame in getting a boost, but my stubborn streak says I can do it on my own.

I'd like to tell you the next time I post I'll be able to tell you I rang the cowbell and I made it over the 8 foot side of the wall under my own steam. The fact is that probably won't be the case since I have a few ideas brewing at the back of my mind that will need addressing soon. Stay tuned though: the wall, the rower and the rope will be conquered and with any luck I will not be giving Tyler his third gold star.

Thanks for reading!

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Me? Really?

I'm back, not that you noticed I was gone, but I'm back now. I decided this year when I went on vacation I was not bringing my laptop, in part because something about that cottage and my laptops spells doom and I'm not in the market to be buying a new laptop this summer. I did that last summer, it was expensive. Also because, even though I knew I had something to say I wasn't sure how to say it or if I needed or wanted to say it.

By the fact that there is a new post you can guess what conclusion I came to. Yes, this blog is public and you are reading it, but it's also my blog. I get to pour the crazy out here and you can choose whether or not to read it. I won't know who reads it and who does not. Yes blogger has a feature that tells me how many times a post has been viewed, but I have no idea who those views were. Sometimes I know because I also post the link on Facebook and some of you comment. I am NOT begging for comments by the way. I want you to read if you choose and you are always welcome to comment, but it is not a requirement. I hope that this blog helps other people in some way, but mostly it helps me and that is its purpose.

In the weeks before my vacation I pushed myself like never before. If there was a class offered at Pride that I could attend I was there. Were they all stellar efforts? Maybe not, but I did my best. What I had to give to the workout I left in the gym. By the time I pulled out of the driveway on Saturday, July 11 I was ready for a break. I didn't do myself any harm pushing the way I did, but it was time to rest.

My last workout on July 10 was Survivor Series. There were ten exercises, each with 50 reps to complete, on the board. Once you started an exercise you had to do all 50 reps, you couldn't break it up. For the sit ups or the straight leg raises this didn't sound too bad at first, but by rep 50 it felt a lot like hell. Then there were the knees to elbows, those were hell from rep 1.

If you've never had the pleasure of trying knees to elbow let me try to explain it. You hang from a pull up bar or a set of rings and the goal is to bring your knees up to touch your elbows. It can be done, I've seen other people do it. Me? Well, my knees were elbow adjacent and by adjacent I mean they came up and I could see them, but they never touched. My core is stronger than it used to be, but it's not that strong.

I'll spare you every minute detail and cut to the chase: I finished all 500 reps (10 exercises X 50 reps=500) on Friday morning. Permit me a second to brag: I finished the same 500 reps on Thursday, then went on to buddy training. Bragging over before it gets obnoxious. Or maybe I should say before it gets MORE obnoxious.

There were also TRX rows which is where my thoughts for this post came from. I like TRX rows, not 50 of them in a row maybe, but I like rows. I can get in a rhythm with the TRX rows and as long as I don't lose count, which happens far more often than you'd think, I'm fine. Friday morning I probably wound up doing 60, given there was a period of time I was doing the rows and realized that I'd stopped counting. When that happens I've learned to just pick up with the last number I remember counting and continue on. Yes, it means I might do a lot more reps than I was supposed to, but if I can't count to 50 without my mind wandering off I deserve it.

Back to the point of this post, assuming I ever had one. We had a guest at our workout on Friday. My friend Hailey's sister, Kristin, was there with Eric. We were in the welcome area, I was sitting on a bench trying to remember my name, what my shoes looked like, if I had even worn the shoes I thought I had. You know, the normal post workout haze. Kristin said something that stopped me. She told me I was her hero. Yes, I actually looked around to see who was sitting beside me on the bench. No one was there so I smiled and said thank you. She told me I made the TRX rows look easy.

Then Eric spoke up mentioning that this compliment was coming from someone who didn't even know me and it was time I started believing people when they compliment me. Easy concept, right? Not for me. I don't think anyone is lying to me or stroking my ego, but I don't see it.

Despite this blog, I don't do what I do for pats on the head or attention. I appreciate the "Atta girls", the fist bumps and the kind words. I enjoy praise, I'm not going to say I don't. I am just not comfortable with recognition. When time for recognition comes around at Pride Fitness Performance I'm the one crossing my fingers and hoping. Not hoping my name will be mentioned, just the opposite: I'm hoping my name won't come up. I like celebrating my friends' accomplishments, let's leave it at that.

 I do what I do because the best part of my day is walking into that gym and seeing what I can do that I haven't done before. If I give myself time and I am patient I make progress. I'll be honest though, progress also comes when I get angry about something "defeating" me. I don't like to be defeated, in fact I hate it. When I can't do something I think I should be able to I get angry and eventually that anger will eat through any objections or fears my mind can manufacture and I'll try. I don't always succeed, but I will always try, eventually.

Vacation is over now, a new phase starts tomorrow and I'll be there pushing myself, looking for the next challenge and feeling surprised and bewildered when someone compliments me. Give me time, some day I might see and understand what you see. In the meantime feel free to keep complimenting me and I'll do my best to smile, say "thank you" and save my doubts for this blog.


Thanks for reading!

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Being Strong

Over a year ago I wrote a post on mental and emotional strength. This week I'm thinking about physical strength in general and my strength in particular.

I've had an idea in my head for the past three years that if I pursued my passion and developed my strength I would NEVER find a man. I am a bright woman, you would think I would have realized by now that if I subvert who I really am for anyone I'm lying and you can't base any real, lasting relationship on lies. Let's face facts, I'm 45: it seems pretty unlikely that I'm going to find anyone anyway. I'm not whining, even if there is someone out there for me I'm not ready yet. I'm not done growing yet.

Besides, I AM strong. I don't want to hide that. The men I know and spend the most time with don't seem to feel humiliated when I lift more than them. They cheer me on and encourage me. So, if you are intimidated by a woman who can deadlift 345 pounds on a barbell or hex bar and 550 pounds with a tractor tire you and I probably won't have much to discuss anyway.

I'd love to be a petite pretty woman. I'd like to weigh half of what I do now. While we're at it I'd like to have straight hair, small calves and arms without flab. Oh heck, while I'm dreaming let's wish for a jiggle free butt and thighs. Ooh, let's get rid of the jiggly belly too. All right, now that I'm done dreaming let's get real and I'll get to the point of this post.

I hit a new PR, personal record, during Muscle Hour. Prior to tonight I was thrilled with deadlifting 325 pounds. I'm still thrilled with that frankly. When I pulled that I hadn't done any heavy lifting in a quite a long time and I was beginning to wonder if my trainer had completely forgotten that I LOVE lifting heavy. Nope, not for a second. It turns out he had a plan and the things he had me doing instead made me stronger, improved my balance and made me just all around better.

Imagine that, the fitness professional knew more than me and he knew what he was asking of me would build a stronger, better me.

I wasn't sure I was going to deadlift over 295 tonight. My left shoulder, the same one I tried to crush attempting to tumble without a nice cushy mat, has been sore and achy lately. Lifting wasn't bothering it so after playing with single arm prowler rows and monster walks I went to the weight cave to try 345 pounds.

 I'm not necessarily a fan of an audience when I'm trying to do something I'm not 100% comfortable with. There was an audience in the weight cave. I expected Tyler to be there and I found I didn't mind everyone else gathering around either. I've learned what I need to focus on and tonight that was my form and picturing myself successfully lifting that bar. It worked and a little bit later I tried to lift 365 pounds. It didn't work as well for that, but the bar came up a half inch: that means I CAN do it. Not tonight, probably not next week, but if I keep applying myself and giving my all to everything I am asked to do 365 pounds will come.

As much as might have wanted to hide or play down my strength at one time, that just won't be happening. I want to embrace it and brag about it. It makes me happy to lift heavy or push or pull heavy so why shouldn't I be proud of that? Why shouldn't I want to talk about what makes me ME?

I am physically strong. I'd like to believe if there is someone up ahead on this journey then that person will be proud of my strength as well. If there isn't someone, then I am still surrounded by the most amazing support system anyone could ask for and I am not going to bemoan my single status. I am living a life I enjoy and doing what makes me happy for the most part. There are still a few things in my life I need to change, but I have a plan and I will take care of those last few details in good time.

For now I am going to bask in the knowledge that I am stronger than that 309 pound woman I once was. I will be proud that a co-worker told me yesterday that she couldn't believe that I was 45 years old. I will be proud that when I wake up most mornings I look forward to the day ahead and I am deeply thankful for the opportunities I have had to turn my life around.

I am strong, I won't hide that. I won't pretend not to be strong to protect any one's feelings or ego. I'm not going to walk around bragging about my strength and annoying everyone around me, but I will be quietly confident.

I keep looking at the rope and cowbell when I'm in the gym. I have a strong desire to climb it and one of these days when it's relatively quiet and I don't have an audience I am going to try. I might not climb it before July 31, but before the end of 2015 I will have climbed the rope and smacked that cowbell. I don't feel I have anything to prove to anyone, climbing the rope is something I want to do for myself and the little girl who watched her friends climb the rope in PE when she was in elementary school knowing she couldn't begin to get up it and she was too heavy for her PE teacher to help her.

Thanks for reading!