Monday, April 21, 2014

Strength

What does it mean to be strong? Not physically strong, though I do wonder about that too. No, right now I am thinking more about emotional strength. Is it putting on a mask and going on even when it feels like your world is crashing down around your ears? Is it taking off that mask and letting people actually see you are hurt, heartbroken and scared? Is strength knowing when you can't change a situation and all you can do is focus on the things in your life you are in control of? Or is it a combination of all of the above that is unique for each person?

Putting on a mask and going on is hard when you're a perfectionist. You know you're "half-assing" things even if no one else does. I'm not okay with not giving 100% to everything I do. I do know I won't be perfect at everything and I'm almost okay with that. The people I work out with and the fitness professionals I train with are probably laughing at the "almost". Most of them can probably tell a story about me slamming a fist into the matting or turf and swearing when I can't do something I want to do. I did say I was ALMOST okay with not being perfect. I'm a work in progress...let's move on.

Even harder than wearing a mask so things look fine is taking that mask off. I tried that last Thursday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it. In yet another conversation about a topic I hate I reached the end of my endurance. Usually I force the tears back by looking up or blinking rapidly, but this time neither of those strategies was working for me. The tears spilled over and ignoring them was not an option either. What did I do? I put my head in my hands and cried. I cried in front of another person. I worried the world would end right in that second, but it didn't. I showed weakness and the world did not end. That was huge for me. I do my best to keep my feelings inside. I'm a champ at taking the negative emotions and stuffing them down. The problem with that way of dealing with life is that sooner or later there's no room left to stuff anything else and everything explodes. I don't think I'm going to start just bursting into tears whenever the urge hits, but I did learn last week that if I do cry it won't be the end of the world.

In the past three weeks I've tried the mask, letting people see how I feel and now I've moved on to accepting that I can't change the situation and I need to focus on what I do have control over. At the moment there are three things I can control: 1. My nutrition 2. My fitness 3. My dream of being a fitness instructor. For the moment I can exercise, I can and will pay attention to what I put in my mouth and I will continue studying, reading and learning

I guess my blog is evolving now that I am beginning to truly realize that fitness isn't just about physical fitness: it's about mental fitness too. I can't control all situations, but I can control my reaction to all situations. With that in mind, here's a quote I found this morning:


At some point you realize that life is just that: life. Ups, downs, good, bad, it's all just life. It all balances out, and letting every little bump in the road sideline you is no way to live.  ~Stepfanie, Sparkpeople editor



As always thanks for reading.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

I'm not afraid of...oh wait, Yes I am!

Last week was the week from HELL. There I said it. I'm sure other people had it much rougher than I did, but my week was no picnic. I won't belabor the point, I'd just like to say I am so glad it is over.

Something else I noticed this week: my workouts meant even more. Everything else in my life felt out-of-control and scary, but my mentors/fitness professionals still pushed me. They also encouraged and supported me, but they didn't coddle me. There were a few moments in personal training on Thursday night when the tears came, I tried so hard to hold them in and push them back, but they came anyway. A friend gave me a hug, told me I could do it and went back to her workout. The man I think of as my mentor went about what he was doing. I have no doubt he knew exactly what was going on and was ready to help if needed. I needed a shoulder for a second and then the stubborn part of me that won't quit was ready to fight.

I discovered I'm still not invincible this week. No matter how physically strong I might be, I'm still not invincible. Things will happen in my life that throw me for a loop. A beloved pet, my mother's dog Sebastian, reached the end of his journey on Tuesday. Professionally this week I learned that the request for a change of placement I made for the 2014-2015 school year was my best decision to date. The professional aspect I am not ready to get into, nor do I think I ever will get into it on this blog. There's a time and place, this forum is not it. This is about me and my journey, not every bump in the road that sends me careening into a ditch.

My heart still aches when I look around and don't see Seb, but I know it was his time. He was ready to go and holding on to him was not for his sake any longer: it was for ours and it was unfair. He was a good old guy, always patient with the ever-exuberant Abbey, not even snapping at her when she'd bounce into his head in her rush to see everything. He likely had some sort of mouth cancer and I know his mouth hurt, but every time Abbey bumped into him he'd just sigh, look up at me and wag his tail.

Don't get me wrong, there were bright spots to my week. One of the brightest was Tuesday evening when Abbey and I arrived in Lyndonville. We were worried how she might take being around when Seb was euthanized. At first I thought I would skip my Obstacle Course Race Conditioning Class and emailed to let the instructor know. I told him why and he made the most generous offer I could have imagined. He offered to let me bring Abbey with me and we could put her in an office so I could still work out. As soon as she got out of the car with me I think Abbey knew where she was. She kept scenting the wind and she pranced across the street with me. When we walked in the door she pulled me up the stairs as fast as she could. Then she saw Ben and the wiggling began.

You see Abbey belonged to Ben and his family before she came to live with me and I worried it would be hard for him to see her. It may have been, I can only speak for myself, but Abbey was thrilled to see Ben again. She raced around, wiggled for him and gave plenty of kisses. When the time came to go home she was ready to come with me, but I really believe she enjoyed her time in familiar territory.

So other than learning I wasn't invincible what other lessons can I take away from last week?

1. Sometimes the only way to go is one step at a time right through hell.
2. When you least expect it you will find support in a place you might not have imagined.
3. When times are tough find one thing that makes you feel good and cling to it. Do that thing every chance you have.
4. Even when you go through hell there will be joyful moments: watch for them and embrace them.
5. Remember darkness doesn't last forever: don't make final decisions based on how you feel in one moment, no matter how awful it seems.
6. Lean on the people who offer their support. We all need a helping hand sometime, don't apologize for that.
7. Garbage belongs in the trash, not taking up space inside your head.
8. Not everyone in the world is going to like you or think you're a good person. That does not make them right.
9. Be honest about how you feel. If you won't tell people they can't read your mind. If you do tell them they may be able to help you regain your equilibrium.

Thank you to everyone who took a moment this week to offer your support. I needed it more than you realize and appreciate it more than I can say.

As always...thanks for reading.

Now, back to training for Tough Mudder. May 31, 2014 is coming: I will be ready: I'm a Mudder!

Saturday, April 5, 2014

So?

"F-E-A-R has two meanings: ‘Forget Everything And Run’ or ‘Face Everything And Rise.’ The choice is yours."  ~Zig Ziglar

I found this quote Thursday while skulking around on Facebook and I love it. I've been a runner and I've tried to face things. It's not easy and I still find myself debating the wisdom of both courses when situations I don't like arise.

So many situations currently make me want to turn and run, but it won't solve anything. I've been pushed into a corner in some of the situations and even when I clearly (at least to my mind) state my wishes people still feel free to ask if I will still do what I just told them I wouldn't do. The only explanation I can come up with is that I am speaking a different language than they are.

Honestly, I think it's true. I'm FINALLY speaking for myself and not with the intention of making everyone think I am the best person in the world. Some people are going to dislike me no matter what and the fastest way to sabotage myself and any success I may have attained is to try to make everyone happy all the time.

There was one memorable conversation when I burst into tears trying to put how I was feeling into words. The end result: I got to sit through a 10 minute talking to where a person who called herself my "friend" and "mentor" told me how I would ruin her life if I did what would make me happiest. I'm pretty sure my jaw hit the floor at least once. I definitely remember thinking "Did I just explain that I am miserable and I have to take control of my own happiness and do what is best for me??? Maybe I just dreamed that part of the conversation."

Excuse me for noting the obvious, but the person I was talking to was neither my friend nor a person who deserved to be called my mentor. Just another person who liked me for my ability to be manipulated and molded into what they wanted me to be. Sorry, that "Kim" is gone now: she's finally realized she is worth more than her ability to make anyone else look good. The people that can't or won't accept that have absolutely no place in my life and they will find that out in due course. I am done making a place in my life for people who don't want me to spread my wings and fly.

Stand beside me or get out of my way to be blunt about it.

So I'm suddenly perfect and "fixed" right? I'm a success and my life is all sunshine and rainbows? Sure it is: I also have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you.

Life is a precious gift, I won't deny that. Life is also scary and painful. I can't change that. The painful, frightening times are there to remind me how amazing the good times are.

For the moment I am right where I need to be. There are lessons I need to learn from the situations I face. I'm also open to change. I won't "forget everything and run" even when it's tempting and would be the easiest thing in the world to do. I will do my best to "face everything and rise". I won't be perfect, there are times I may run. My hope is when I do run I will find the strength of character to turn around and face the situation when I've had time to regroup.

My workouts lately have been hampered by letting garbage take up space in my head. That garbage makes it hard to sleep so I'm tired. I'm stepping up the frequency of my workouts so I can be an asset to my team when it is time to take the course for Tough Mudder and my body is letting me know that with more aches than I've experienced in some time. There have been workouts I've felt as if it took everything I had just to get out of my own way, I truly hate that feeling. I know not every workout will be worthy of top performer, but I have a sinking feeling none of my workouts since the beginning of 2014 have been top performer worthy. Only I can change that.

Thanks for reading.