Monday, January 27, 2014

Photos, Acceptance and Beauty

On Saturday I stepped further outside of the spot I have carved out as my comfort zone and participated in a photo shoot. Yes, I willingly submitted to having my picture taken. There were a dozen or more moments that morning when I wanted to bolt and hide in the back of my friend's car until it was over. I didn't run, I had my picture taken in 2 different poses and as part of the group of 30 people who participated and I had a good time.

On Sunday I saw two of the pictures from the photo shoot and realized that the next time I need to do as much mental preparation as I did physical preparation. As much as I have changed my knee jerk reaction to pictures of myself is the same. That sad, resigned feeling that "Well, at least it's not as bad as it could be."

Don't get me wrong, I am proud as can be of the pictures. They are proof that even if I keep finding a comfort zone I can also step away from that spot. That seems pretty important to me. I'm all about safety and comfort or I used to be. I didn't take chances, risks were for other people and I would run away from anything that seemed remotely challenging.

I decided to do something even braver than have the pictures taken in the first place. I posted one as my profile picture and put the other on my wall. I wanted any friends who hadn't liked the Fortitude Fitness Systems page to be able to see them. I wasn't sure what people would say, I wasn't sure I wanted to know, but I chose to confront the fear and post away. Not one comment was negative, they were all complimentary and I was surprised.

My surprise at the positive comments made me wonder what it will take for me to accept that I am not the person I think I see.

I remember being young and wishing I could be pretty. All my friends were pretty. I was the sidekick, quiet, shy, funny on occasion and the person my friend's boyfriends would talk to when they wanted to know what was going on. My grandmother was quite philosophical about the whole thing. I don't recall ever asking her if I was pretty, grandma wasn't a warm, fuzzy woman and I was afraid of what she would say. Her comment on the subject of pretty was "Pretty is as pretty does."

I don't think of myself as pretty now either. Strong? Absolutely.  Pretty? Never. I realize I'm not hideously ugly, but by society's standards of beauty I'm not it. I've also realized in the last two years that looking nice on the outside is worth nothing if what's inside you is ugly and rotten. I would rather look like a troll than be a pretty package with nothing inside.

I am NOT asking anyone to tell me I'm pretty. I am who I am and I'm fine with who I am. I am not society's definition of beautiful. I'm something that's much more important to me: I'm strong. I'm strong enough to complete 2 workouts in a row. Strong enough to push a sled that weighs 90 pounds, with 90 pounds of plates and an instructor on it. I'm also strong enough to sit through a meeting without compromising what I know to be right no matter the provocation.

In addition to being strong I strive to be a kind, compassionate person. I will help my friends when I can and I don't mind a bit. I set high standards for my students and I ALWAYS treat them with respect. I am firm with them, but they know I care about them and I will advocate for them.

At the end of the day I'd rather be a strong, good person than pretty. My strength will last a lot longer...

Thanks for reading!

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Working it Out

Eight workouts from January 5 to January 11 and seven workouts from January 12 to January 18. I feel like I might have that part of life under control at the moment.

Nutrition? Working on that too. At the moment in preparation for the Fortitude Fitness Systems Photo Shoot on Saturday, January 25 I am adjusting my food intake to more lean protein and veggies, less sodium and fruits. I know myself well enough to know I won't feel ready for my picture to be taken next Saturday, but I would like to be at a place where the idea doesn't make me laugh nervously and want to vomit.

Let's get back to my exercise. A couple of nervous laughs are clawing their way up and I'd rather not startle the dog by letting them loose. First off, I should probably offer a disclaimer like always check with your doctor before starting on a fitness program. Maybe I should, but let's be honest here: I didn't check with my doctor...I decided on this plan on my own and I'm not sure I'd change what I'm doing even if my doctor or the fitness professionals I work with told me to cut down a little. I'm stubborn, remember?

What was my favorite fitness moment of the past week? It was during personal training and it wasn't the step lunges or spider man push ups. It was getting to face off with the prowler again. The prowler is a big sled you can put weights on and push or pull around. It's heavy and it's fun. Maybe not flipping a 475 pound tire fun, but fun.

Anyhow, Thursday might I got a new prowler exercise to try: lay on the floor on my back at the other end of the studio from the prowler. Then use the rope tied to the prowler to pull it to me. I felt every muscle in both arms pulling that prowler. I did think at one point that I probably needed to be careful so I didn't pull the prowler into my head. Sadly that thought didn't stick with me and Ben's comment about one more pull then I could push it back didn't make me think it was as close as it was. So yes, in all my grace I pulled the prowler into my head. It hurt a little bit, mostly it startled me. You don't exactly expect something like that to happen....and it wouldn't if I paid more attention.

Then I experienced "monster walks". I'll try to describe it. Put 2 bands around your legs, right above the knees, squat down as low as you can while keeping your chest up and walk. It is every bit as awkward as it looks and painful too. By the time you've gone from one end of the studio to the other muscles you don't use all that often are screaming and that second trip looks about six miles long.

In other news, it was a rough week teaching. Periodically I discover even if I'm a good teacher I can't help every child. It hurts and it makes me angry. I didn't get into teaching to ever fail any child. Suffice it to say that I have spent too much time beating myself up over an incident that I don't really believe I could have stopped or turned around. Life doesn't offer do-overs, the rewind button is broken and sometimes, despite our best efforts, what is meant to be will be.

So this week having seven workouts was a blessing. I still had plenty of time to obsess and over think, but there were periods of time I could let it all go and just work on the stronger, more confident me.

Thanks for reading...

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Purpose

What is my purpose for being here?

It's interesting how many hours of thought and contemplation I've put into that question and how when I stopped thinking I found the answer. I can picture at least one reader smirking and shaking his head at this moment wondering when I will learn to listen. There are probably several of you doing that actually.

My world turned upside down for a time this week. One of my dearest friends, Eric,  had a massive heart attack. His fiancee, Hailey,  is another dear friend and when I think of one of them I think of the other. I couldn't imagine a world without him. Every free moment was spent praying, thinking positive thoughts, sending healing vibes and love. I wasn't the only one, the outpouring of love and support renewed my faith in humanity. I'm happy to report he is home recuperating.

I went out for a celebratory lunch with Jennifer, Hailey and Eric yesterday at Gusanoz. Can I just say: YUM! Love that restaurant.

Anyhow, on the way to Dartmouth Jen and I had a chance to talk. I think I shocked her at one point. We were talking about what brought us to Fortitude Fitness Systems. I told her it was my last ditch effort and she said "Oh, before surgery?" I debated letting it stay there and decided not to. I tend to edit myself a lot to be "acceptable" and "good".  At that moment and again tonight, I'm just going to be honest.

What I meant by last ditch effort and what I told Jennifer was I didn't want to live. I was miserable and unhealthy, I knew I couldn't continue that way and I had no desire to. Before I go any further let me make it crystal clear that I don't feel that way anymore. Life can messy, wonderful, scary and it is so precious. There will be no quitting here. Life isn't always easy, many days it's not fun, but it is my life and it is my job to make it as enjoyable as possible.

I've always been the too-sensitive worrier who wants to be perfect. I still worry, I definitely think too much, we won't even talk about my perfectionist tendencies, but the sensitivity is fading. Probably left that behind somewhere on Mount Snow last August too. I don't think I'll look for it when I'm there again on May 31, I can't say I miss it. It's pretty exhausting worrying all the time that you're going to let someone down or not be good enough.

I have discovered that my purpose is simply to be myself: To encourage people beginning their own journey when I can. To give my time and help freely when it is needed. To accept that what others see in me may never be what I see. To give every ounce of effort I have in my workouts so I don't leave feeling like I cheated.

Most of all my purpose is to live this life to the fullest and if it inspires other people that is wonderful. I'm going to continue working out, growing and changing.

On with your evening.

Thanks for reading.




Sunday, January 5, 2014

Something to Prove

Someone told me recently that I have nothing to prove to anyone. This comment, while true, got me thinking. Yes, I know I need to think less and do more. Thinking quite often gets me in trouble because it rouses some of those doubts that hang on no matter how many positive comments and/or compliments I get. I've come to the conclusion that some of my doubts are just hardwired in, they are a part of my personality. The part that drives me to be as good as I can be and then push to be even better. That's not necessarily a bad thing.

When the doubts become a real problem is when I let them clamor so loudly I do feel like I have something to prove. I've been in that place this week. Feeling as if I don't quite deserve what I've been given and in order to deserve it I need to be perfect. As soon as the idea that I need to be perfect enters my mind alarms go off. I'm drifting back into a place where the positive loop I'm trying hard to run in my head is replaced by the negative one. I don't want to hear "How could you screw that up? You can't do anything right! You suck, this change won't last." ever again. I have done a good job at throwing that loop tape out, but it's not gone. Just skulking around at the periphery of my life waiting for the opportunity to jump back in and attack.

So since I'm going to be honest, even if it makes me look and sound like I'm crazy: Yes, I DO feel like I need to prove something. What do I have to prove?

1. This transformation is NOT temporary. Those people waiting for me to fail are going to be waiting for something that is NOT going to happen.
2. I'm not the ugly little fat girl anymore.
3. I am not any one's doormat.
4. I deserve the title badass of the year.

To be completely fair and totally honest, I think the person I need to prove all of this to is myself. None of my friends, family, acquaintances or instructors seem to have the least bit of difficulty believing the things I struggle to believe.

I've accepted that people see things in me that I don't/can't see. I'm prepared to accept that the things I feel I have to prove only need to be proved to myself and I may never be able to make myself believe the good things completely.

Then again, if you had told me in 2012 I would ever look forward to getting drenched in sweat and feeling exhausted I would have laughed at you. Now a day when I don't get sweaty and really tired doesn't seem complete.

I'm a work in progress. I'm better than I was, but not as good as I will be with time, hard work and especially patience.

Thanks for reading!