Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Not just another success story...

Some of you will recall that in another blog post I posted a picture of jeans I wore when this journey started and then a picture of jeans I can wear comfortably now. Several friends suggested to me that I should take a picture of myself wearing those jeans so I could have proof of the change I don't see when I look in the mirror.

I decided to take it one step further and wear the outfit I wore when I started on this path to fitness. I have the tank top I wore. I love the color and it makes a great sleep shirt, especially in the summer. I am living in an old house with wiring that won't support an air conditioner in my bedroom and besides that, if I closed my bedroom door my three cats would assume I was up to something and make sleep impossible. As an aside I would like to mention that even on the warmest days this summer I have not been horribly uncomfortable. I actually get cold sometimes now, still an amazing feeling.

I've been thinking about taking the picture for several weeks, but not doing it. I suppose a part of me was worried what putting on those jeans would be like. What if they weren't that loose? What if they still fit? Yesterday I decided it was time to stop obsessing and take the picture already.

First, the before picture:
Picture 1: January 2012




Next, the right now picture:
  
Picture 2: July 30, 2013


Notice, I didn't say Picture 2 was the "after" picture. I'm not at my "after" yet. I'm not sure what after will look like, but I know I'm not there yet. I am seeing muscles in my arms now, still plenty of jiggle, but the muscles are there and it's nice to see them. I can actually see muscles all over my body now that I didn't before and I'm enjoying that so much.

The strength is nice too. I can flip 475 pound tractor tires. I knew I could flip 350 pounds, but last Friday Ben encouraged me to try the 475 pound tire. To my surprise I could flip it. Yes, it was heavier, but nothing I couldn't handle. I am finding when my mind tells me I have nothing left to give in a workout my body finds that little bit more to finish what I've started. I've earned the body I have now and I'm looking forward to see where I am in July 2014.

So what else is going on in my life? As much as I try not to think about it and pretend it isn't coming: Tough Mudder will be here soon. August 10 to be exact. I alternate between thinking I'll be okay, this is just one more exciting challenge to meet head-on and wondering if it's too late to find someone to do this in my place. I want the confidence in myself to be able to smile and  say I can do this. For the moment all I can do is force a little smile and say "I can do this" without having my voice shake too much. At least I'm past the point where I think about this and tear up.

That's about it for now. I plan a post after Mudder to let you know what the experience was like.

Thanks for reading: back to your regularly scheduled life.


Friday, July 5, 2013

Reflecting

Today I celebrated the 4th of July by hiking up Mt. Pisgah with 3 amazing friends. Carole, Sylvie and Ami made it fun. Yes, I just said fun. At one point on the trip down, Carole asked me if I could have ever imagined myself hiking a year ago. My answer was honest and immediate: No! I'd have laughed if someone told me I would choose to get so hot and sweaty.

Things change and I've definitely changed. In the last 18 months my physical appearance has changed. What might not be so apparent at first glance is how I've changed mentally. When I walked into the Derby studio the first time as a "mooser" I was skeptical. How could anyone possibly think they could change me? More importantly, why would anyone want to bother? I was 41 years old, overweight my entire life and convinced I didn't matter.

I'll be the first to admit I didn't start the program with the right attitude or mindset. I was scared to try and even more afraid to fail. As someone who has tried many "quick-fat-loss" and "miracle" diets I was really afraid to hope anything would work. I was also someone who frequently looked at the person in the mirror and thought "You again?! What a waste of space on this planet you are!" I wouldn't talk to my worst enemy that way, but I saw nothing wrong with talking to myself like that.

So when did things change? It wasn't right away, I did as I was told, but I didn't trust anyone. I don't imagine that's a surprise to my coach, but to his credit he didn't give up on me. He kept encouraging me and pushing me when I needed it. It had to be hard to work with me, I am shy and quiet and I tend toward one word answers a lot.

I kept going though and slowly I noticed I wasn't just showing up and going through the motions hoping not to make an ass of myself before the class ended. I made mistakes, some of which I handled with some grace and others that just made me burst into tears. Above all I still wanted to make someone proud and making myself proud just wasn't enough. Before my 6 free months ended I debated long and hard with myself about whether I wanted to continue.

For me the real turning point was in June 2012. I went away on vacation and I MISSED my classes and my friends. I had DVDs, I had workouts to do, but it wasn't the same doing them alone. I thought the shy girl in me would relish being alone so no one would see me make a mistake, but more of me missed my friends and my instructors. When I came home I knew what I wanted and I knew it was worth what I would need to pay.

Have I loved every second since I decided to make myself a priority and work to make me proud of myself? Um, hell no. There are days the alarm goes off or Abbey barks to remind me I need to get my lazy butt up and I want to pull the pillow over my head and go back to sleep. Yes, some days I do go back to sleep, but more often than not I get up and I go. Of course there are mornings I walk into the studio look at the board for the day's workout and seriously debate sneaking back out the door.

When people see the bruises on my legs from not really paying close attention to where that kettle bell actually is  or bruises on my chest from flipping a tractor tire they wince and smile at me like I might somehow be a little off. I probably am, but I like those bruises; I like the sore, tired muscles and the occasional injury is just fine too. Yes, I could stop, but if I stopped I'd miss the results even more.

I've discovered a new person, or maybe she's been in there all along, hiding, waiting for her chance to shine and be noticed. She reminds me when I look in the mirror that I need to be kind because that reflection is someone important. Someone who has things to offer the world and the people around her that no one else can offer. She deserves respect.

Oh yes, now that I've rambled on I have new numbers for you too.

Weight: 241 pounds
Body Fat Percentage: 28.2% (it finally went down !! -1.6%)
Hips: 48 in.
Waist: 38 in.
Thigh: 26.5 in.
Arm:14.25 in.

And I'll leave you with a couple of pictures. I posted them on my facebook page earlier this week, but here they are again.
January 2012
July 2, 2013