Thursday, June 27, 2013

Hmmm.....

What do I have for you today?

Well, mostly a realization I've come to about it being okay to be who I am. I'm quiet and relatively shy. I open up to my friends and it takes me time to decide whether someone is my friend or not.

Lately, I have been trying to be someone I'm not. I've been trying to be more open and more vocal. There is nothing wrong with that and the person who suggested I try that is someone I respect more than I can adequately express. The fact is though, I'm not a vocal person. I'm much more comfortable flying under the radar. I do speak up when it is important and that won't change. What's going to change is me trying to be someone I am not. I know the suggestion came from wanting to help me realize a dream and I also hope this person will realize my decision is not me being stubborn or angry. My decision is me accepting the person I am.

I often feel as if I'm striving to be someone completely different from myself. It's not always a bad thing, the old me wouldn't have signed up for Tough Mudder or competed in so many 5Ks. The old me had a tendency to let people order her around when it was not at all what she wanted. The old me didn't know how to walk away from situations that weren't healthy or helpful. The old me didn't take care of herself, because to be brutally honest I hated myself.

I don't hate myself anymore. I can't say I always love everything about me, but I'm learning tolerance and acceptance.

Thanks for reading.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Confession time...

Naw, nothing earth shaking. If you saw the title and hoped I'd be emptying the skeletons out of my closet sorry to disappoint you. No skeletons coming out today. Maybe some other time.

Back to the title. I do have a confession to make: I love grocery shopping. I think it's fun to go into a store and buy things I can turn into yummy meals. Which leads to another confession...I don't just wander the outer edges of the store. The majority of what I buy and consume comes from the outer edges, but I cannot resist wandering down the chip, cracker and cookie aisles. It's cruel to do that to myself, I know it because I know good and well there is no way I'm going to buy the Oreos or the Doritos or any of the other junk I find there. That's one of the reasons I insist on going down those aisles. I like making it to the end without finding any of those things in my basket or cart.

There was a time not so long ago that those items naturally wound up in my basket and in my body. Did they make me happy? No- at the time I thought they did, but that's a problem with eating to deal with emotions: all the food in the world won't make you feel better. A bag of Oreos isn't going to make me happy. All it will do is make me feel rotten physically and emotionally. Do I eat the occasional Oreo? Of course I do...but when I plan a cheat now I make it worth the cheat. My new love: Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Therapy Ice Cream. I haven't checked the nutrition information and I don't plan to. It is a treat and a very occasional treat and I am NOT ruining it for myself by knowing the nutrition facts.

Oh wait, I did think of another confession...it's a wee little skeleton from the stack in my closet, but why not. you've read this far: you deserve a reward. I watch infomercials. Not just any infomercials, the "weight loss miracle" ones.  I know they won't do any good...but I still watch and want to believe. In the past I have also been known to invest my hard earned money in these "miracle cures". I'm smart enough to know there was no "quick-fix", but I was desperate and naive enough hope this time it really would work. The only thing that got thinner was my bank account.

While we're at it, I've been known to read the labels on the weight loss supplements on the shelves at Wal-Mart, Rite Aid and any other pharmacy or box store I happen to be in. Several of the Wal-Marts I shop in keep the protein powder I buy near those pills and I'm not above looking at the claims and wanting to believe them. Even now when I know my path to fitness and health I want those promises to be true.

It makes me kind of angry really. It doesn't seem fair and right to prey on people who are desperate and unhappy and will do anything to be different. I was one of those people (still am some days if we're 100% honest).

I don't have the answers for everyone. Really, there isn't one right answer for everyone. For me the path to fitness means working out at least 5 days per week, eating fibrous carbs, lean protein and some fat with every meal, eating more than 2 times per day, tracking what I eat and being patient with a process that isn't moving as quickly as I want.

In other news it's been an up and down kind of week for me. I completed the Mountain Mucker 5K Obstacle Course race on June 1. Now I'm training for Tough Mudder...and I'm even more scared than I was before. I can finish the course, I know I can, but I worry about most of the obstacles. Mountain Mucker showed me that I have a lot more upper body strength to gain so I can handle more obstacles and I need a ton more work on my endurance. I'm trusting my coach to provide training to prepare me as much as is possible. The real work comes from inside me: I have to develop the faith and confidence in myself that other people seem to have in me. I have to believe I can be an asset to my friends at Tough Mudder.

Wow...tall order!

Thanks for reading!