Sunday, July 29, 2012

I don't think so...

"My company's business model in 5 words: Create the illusion you care. . . You'd be shocked at how well it works."

I saw this on Facebook Saturday morning and I couldn't believe it. How crass, how rude...basically how condescending can someone get?? The person who posted it attempted to explain and backpedal on what they posted after some comments, but COME ON! Apparently this person doesn't know to ask "Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?" before they post. Seriously, even if that comment was not meant the way it sounded and the person who posted it is a wonderful person with only the best of intentions that comment is out there now and it can't be taken back.

The part that made probably shocked me the most was that this was posted on a fitness page. Yes, maybe more fitness professionals than I want to know about feel this way. I'm choosing to keep my head in the sand if that's the case. I BELIEVE that the fitness professional I have been lucky enough to work with for the past 7 months does NOT feel this way and would never post anything like this. I don't think Ben would bother to answer my every email and be so patient with me if he didn't really care about his clients. I trust that Ben, Tyler, Mary & Stacey care and want what's best for me and everyone else in class.

Rant over, but please remember once you say or write something it is out there and you can't take it back. You can explain it, but wouldn't it be easier if you just didn't say anything that might be misconstrued in the first place??  Nope, I'm not saying I'm perfect: I say and write things I'd like to take back all the time, but I'm learning. I try to filter most things through the idea of being kind, true and necessary and when I fail I own up to it.

So how have the past 2 weeks been? Mentally I am exhausted and completely spent. All I want to do is sleep and try to recuperate. Math has never been my strong suit, but I went into the Vermont Mathematics Initiative program anyway. I regret that choice deeply sometimes, but I know at the end of the day I am doing my part to improve math instruction for my students.

As far as exercise and nutrition go I have done my best to be careful. The exercise was easier than the nutrition as it has been right along for me. I enjoyed running and my Ben's Boot Camp DVDs. Nutrition wasn't as big a struggle as it could have been. My friends were there to keep me focused on eating well and encouraging me to keep exercising. One even told me I was developing a "cute little backside" (not the exact words used, but you get the meaning).

Now math is over for the summer and I have 3 weeks until school starts. I am going to spend the time working out, eating well and training for my half-marathon in January. I will also be trying to post regularly here. I'll have new measurements to post soon.

Thanks for reading

Sunday, July 22, 2012

The unknown...

So here I sit on a Sunday afternoon. I've checked into the hotel, redone the parts of my Algebra III homework from April that needed to be redone, set up my Calculus binder (formerly my supportive nutrition/warp speed binder, but that information outgrew the binder) and unpacked my things. Now I'd like to go home thank you very much. Yes, I am within 3 classes of completing my master's degree in curriculum and instruction with a specialization in K-8 mathematics, but right now if someone said "just go home," I swear I'd run them over if they didn't get out of my way fast enough. What gives??

I'll tell you what gives: I'm afraid. Calculus is an unknown. I try to avoid unknowns whenever possible in life. When the unknowns can't be avoided I retreat inside to peer out from behind my wall. Right now I'm standing beside the wall, ready to dive over it and hide at the slightest provocation. The worst of it is that I KNOW I am surrounded by people who care about me and would support me in a heartbeat if I asked for support. Not just my VMI cohort (though they are the closest now), but I have an address book full of people who would do what they could if  I asked. It's only Sunday, so right now I have no idea what I need: just that great big unknown in front of me and the strong urge to go into hiding.

So the question now isn't am I afraid, the question is what am I going to do with that fear? Funny you should ask: I have a plan for that! I am going to keep my schedule and routine as normal as I possibly can until I go home at the end of the week.

That means the following:
1. Get to bed by 11 pm so I can (hopefully) get some sleep (if sleep won't come I will take Melatonin).
2. Get up when the alarm goes off at 5 am.
3. Monday, Wednesday and Friday go for a 3 mile run (last week I managed to finish 3 miles in 30 minutes one day, I'm looking forward to seeing what I can do this week).
4. Tuesday and Thursday pop in a Ben's Bootcamp DVD and get some familiarity, comfort and a whole lot of sweat!
5. Eat supportively. Lean proteins and fibrous carbs for everyone!
6. There will be a cheat this week. Al's French Fry is right next to the hotel and I want a maple cremee sometime before I leave.
7. When the stress mounts I will move. I will not sit and hide wishing very much for a warm furry cat to hug: I will lace up my sneakers and MOVE.
8. I will take in what I can and give myself a break. I will not let the nasty little comments I still like to make to myself take root this week.

Number 8 is probably going to be the biggest challenge for me. I'm used to putting all the effort into the nutrition and exercise. It's really time to bring that same focus to bear on the mental "stuff". Does someone have a dumpster or 2 handy? Digging through the mental muck isn't going to be easy. Too bad there wasn't a "Biggest Mooser" competition for the mental garbage.

So, again, not the most uplifting post I've ever produced, but it's honest. At the end of the day I could make this blog all sunshine, roses and happiness, but that is not the reality and that is not me. I'm real with real thoughts and feelings and lots of worries.

Someone very special and dear to me once said that before you say something you should ask yourself 3 questions: 1. Is it true? 2. Is it necessary? 3. Is it kind? His mother told him that and it is amazing advice. My blog is true and I try to keep it kind (I'll never bash someone in these entries...if I need to do that I have a personal journal that will never be published anywhere: I write, rip out the page, tear it up and toss it). Lastly, I feel my blog is necessary. For me it is a way to fulfill my dream of being a writer and it might be encouraging for someone else to see me making this journey and see that it's not always a perfect, straight path: sometimes it twists and turns and I go backwards, but I keep going. I might not finish first, but I will finish. Watch me.

Back to your Sunday and thanks for reading!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

I'm back!

I'm home from vacation and ready to write. For those curious about where I've been and why I haven't updated my blog in some time I decided to do something really radical: I took a vacation. I spent 2 weeks with a dear friend in Roanoke, Virginia and on Staten Island, NY.

Nutrition was good overall. I did skip breakfast a few times, because I just wasn’t hungry, but I tried to remember what I’ve learned about supportive eating and follow that. I like my routines after all.
I also managed to keep up on exercising while enjoying time with my friend and her family. Really 30-35 minutes of exercise first thing in the morning didn't alter any plans and it gave me more energy to face the day. Some days I used the Ben's Bootcamp DVD's but many days I chose to make up my own routine and do that. Each session started with the warm up we do before Bootcamp workouts and I added holding a plank for 1 minute 30 seconds to the beginning and end of my workouts.

On days I chose not to do a DVD I usually did 50 burpees (some days 60), 45 seconds of high knees, 40 push ups (I can do about 15 on my toes now, I'm working for 20), 50 jump squats. I even found a way to do Bulgarian split squats using furniture (a note on that: be sure what you use DOES NOT slide across the floor or you could be in for a huge surprise. No injuries, but I got a good laugh).

I also did a couple of days swimming laps with my friend. She's a strong swimmer, me not so much. I did at least 20 lengths in the pool each time we went swimming. It was not easy getting in that bathing suit and then taking off the cover-up so I could swim. Let's be honest, I felt awkward and fat. The truth of the matter was not what I was "seeing" in the mirror. My friend told me I was definitely shrinking and the bathing suit looked great. That was gratifying to hear...so gratifying.

Taking compliments is still hard. I get the thank you part out just fine, then I have to remind myself to stop. There is no need to continue on with how I am not at my goal and I still have to shop in the Plus Size department in most stores (not Old Navy anymore though: WOO HOO!!!). Those things are true, but someone telling me how good I am looking does not need to know that. They deserve a heartfelt thank you. I don't mind sharing my goals and my progress, I do that frequently and freely. I need to be gracious and accept compliments as they are given.

More exciting news: I lost 2 more pounds on vacation. :) So the grand total since January 2012 is 38 pounds lost. I was not in town when measurements were done, so I don't have those numbers to report this time. I think that's okay though. I know things are continuing to change by the way my clothes are fitting and I don't want to be so caught up in numbers that I forget this transformation is about more than weight loss or body fat percentage. At the core of the transformation is knowing that I am worth the time and effort I am finally putting into myself.

For those of you wondering how airplane seats feel now I am thrilled to report that I fit easily and comfortably in the seats on JetBlue flights. When I fastened my seat belt yesterday I had to tighten it so it fit. I’m not great at judging length, but I probably had 9-10 inches of extra belt. I remember very clearly when the belt was adjusted to be as big as it would go and it was snug. Not anymore and not ever again.

Now I have 3 days at home to prepare for 2 weeks of VMI. The best news is I am in my third year of the program and in May 2013, if all goes according to plans, I will graduate from UVM with a master’s degree. I’ll let that thought carry me through Calculus July 23-July 27. That and knowing I can only do the best I can do, no one will get more than that. I will give the class and material 100%, but I will not worry myself sick over what I can’t quite process and understand yet. That’s something else this transformation has done for me: I’ve learned to listen to myself, I know my limits and when I need a break and I won’t apologize for that. If I won’t take care of myself I can’t expect anyone else to either.

I am not sure if I will post any updates in the next two weeks we’ll see how much homework I have to contend with, but definitely stay tuned.
As always thanks for reading!